Is already two years since you left me...

Dear Kingkong,

How are you little boy? Where are you now little boy?  Somewhere that you are happy?

You know you have a little sister, right?

Her name is Kiki.

She is so different from you. In fact she is opposite of you. You are scared of balls, she loves balls. Anything bouncing also she likes. You are tough boy. You always show that you do not need love from me. Even till the day you left me, you still hang on till you saw everybody at home only you left us. You are such a tough boy. I am so proud of you. But Kiki is not like you. She always want attention from me and anybody. She is good at whining. I never hear you whine before.

By the way, Jie jie left home and came to foreign place already. Is already one month. Time really passed faster than we thought.

This place is very weird. Every time i go out, i need to wear a black cloak and also cover my hair. But, of course everybody does that, so i do not feel weird or out of space at all. Another problem with this place is jie jie can no longer drive because driving is illegal for women.

In surface, jie jie comes this place because jie jie wants to earn more money.

Living with Germophobia - Part 2

30 November 2013

My housemate, *Eugene, today insisted me to mop the floor because she found hair strands and my footprints very dirty in our common room.

I looked at her with my ‘dungu’ face, and then tried my best to pour out some tears from my eyes. Eugene saw my eyes filled with tears. She quickly sat nearer to me and she attempted to assure me that she just want a clean place to stay. However, she did not realised this ‘clean’ that she asked is rather too much for me to understand her definition of 'clean' due to her germophobia. I am not sure whether she realised she has germophobia but having me here will be a good help for her because she needs to adapt to people who does not have germophobia. Having strands of hair and some footprints on the floor do not make me fear and tiredness. Unlike her, she get anxiety and uneasiness if she sees foot prints on the marble floor. 

Living with Germophobia Part 1

All this while, i have been wondering why my room is not occupy for quite some times or my many tenants left the room and requested to move to another room even though is another building. For example, there is a Malaysian sister, *Kak Maria, used to stay in my room for around a year. But she left the room and requested to stay in another building despite these current room’s room location is really ideal. The current building i am staying is near the gate so it is easier to carry heavy items once i return from grocery shopping. It is also near the hospital, bank, bus stop and community centre. It is only less than 10 minutes walking distance. I wonder why this room left for me.

After few weeks observation, i realised my housemate is the reason, why people left my room and leave it empty for me to come in. 

My house mate is a Germophobia.

Germophobia is also known as Mysophobia refers to ‘fear of germs’ or ‘fear of dirt’. Is a kind of obsessive-complusive disorder. She has pathological fear of contamination and germs. Poor lady, always live with anxiousness and restlessness and she never knows is a disorder that needs medical attention. 

 For the past few weeks, i realised my housemate likes to clean the kitchen top. She does not clean like any typical person would clean a table. She would wipe the kitchen top, table and the stove while the stove is hot several times. She would scrub hard on the tops with wet clothes, follows with dry clothes. Then i observe how she washes her dishes. She uses all her energy to scrub her so-called non-stick frying pan till the frying pan is clean and shine. When i said clean and shine, is really clean and shine till the non-stick coating is no longer there.

Here is the proof…..

Your Brain is Torturing You....

We are a fool…. Our brain operates on neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters can come in form of adrenaline which give us the fight and flee reaction, dopamine which controls our coordination and body movement and even serotonin which controls our moods. 

Depression = Decrease Serotonin.

And what happened when you have depression, when we are in high stress level, our brain uses more serotonin hormone, and before our brain can replaces the used-serotonin, we force ourselves to function as norm as possible. Our brain never stops working. Even though we can sleep at night, but our brain works. And our brain works really fast. It gives you weird imagination and also wrong impressions. The point is depression makes you make lousy decision. It gives us nightmares, it wakes you up at wee hours, normally at around 4.00am. It makes you tired during day time despite you sleep 10 hours per day. It makes you feel insecure. You will lose confident in yourself. It makes you forgetful and scatterbrain at home and at work too.

But, i think the most difficult thing for me to handle is my brain turns against me. My mind constantly dig into my memory and pick the worst memory it can finds - my restrained childhood relationship, the low self-esteem keeps telling you that you will never find happiness, the critical inner child that keeps telling you that you are not good enough or even the troublemaker you keeps sounding that you are a burden to people surround you.

Your brain is torturing you….

And it always follow you….

Every time your mind begins to pick up with the world, your brain brings along this ‘garbage truck’. Your past can create new ideas/thoughts to torture you. Anybody who unluckily struck by this depression spell will always received the same ‘garbage truck’ in the mind. It will keep repeats till one day you think the only way to stop it is kill yourself. Believe me, i have been there. This spell is indeed a scary spell. And you will find yourself falls into the spell easily because you are tired to fight against it. You will be physically tired because you do not get the right sleep at night, and you will be mentally tired because your mind will keep repeating the same scenarios over and over again. 

Your brain will tell you:

- your friends will leave you once they know you have depression.

- you are a burden to your family and friends.

- you are going crazy and there is nowhere out except you stuck in your brain like this forever.

- you would be better off dead.

- you should probably jump off from this cliff.

Your brain is like a ‘video tape’ now. It will keep rewinds your worst stages of life. Your friends left you because you have depression. Your friends back mouthed you and said crazy psychopath. Frequent if not constant thoughts and preoccupations about past problems and issues is a sign of depression.

What Happened When You Shop in Foreign Land?

Always be prepared to wait outside the shop with cold wind blowing our faces. That is the reason i do not mind wearing my abaya and headscarf at all. 

The cool and dry air is giving me stuttering speech. However, the closeness of this people around me makes me feel warmth in this awkward situation.

We are the four foreign girls in black abaya, sitting outside a stationary shop because is prayer time in foreign land. 

Although is late and dark, but there are many cars pass by this place. I noticed a police car is driving the area several times. It feels fine. But we never let our guards down. We noticed a particular MVP drove past us twice. That is why we keep our guard. We will make sure safety is our priority. 

I am still adapting to their time. Foreign place has regular shop closing times according to the prayer time.  The first outing gave me a mental preparation for this outing except this time, instead of standing in the shopping mall while waiting for the shops to reopen again, we were standing outside the shop in cool air. burrrrrrr…….. I was wearing a short sleeves T-Shirts inside my black abaya. Dammit….

While waiting, some morons will drive their car past us, and makes stupid sounds to lure us. We will just ignore them and some of us will give them another killer glare, indicate if you come near us, you are dead meat!!!!!

There is a mosque nearby….. The azan is on now. Listening to the azan now reminds me of back home. Maybe back home, i will ignore it because i will be busy with my stuffs at home. But, not here, i am listening to it because there is nothing i can do here except rubbing our bodies because is cold….

But is fine, we are in foreign land…. is a different world….. 

IPhone's camera screen is fogged? No fear, use heated rice...

What do you do when your iPhone's camera screen is fogged with water and you cannot open the case and wipe off the fog? 

Do not laugh at my method. It will happen to you one day….

You frantically find the screwdriver to open the damn casing, when you realised the screw in this iPhone 4s need special screwdriver. Dammit Steve Job. Why would you make Apple lover's life difficult??? 

Well, this will be the better solution.

10 things to expect when you first step down on the foreign country's airport...

The moment you step on the ground of the foreign country, you must follow the follow the rule of foreign country.

Always prepare your abaya and head scarf. Put on the abaya before you step out from your plane.

Of course, in this foreign country big city, is more lenient, i do not need to cover the hair completely. However, always bring along a scarf in case the religious officers aka muttawa are around or on-duty.

What to expect in the airport?

1) Fill up the white card before you go line up at the custom counter. Make sure you have blue pen with you. Most of the official documents here required you to use blue pen instead of black pen. 

2) Expect to stand in line for looooooonnnnnngggggggg time.... The custom officers may take their own sweet time talking to each other or frequent coffee break or even just sit around linger. They will not speed up their work just because there are millions of people awaiting to pass the custom gates....

3) Expect to read certain body languages or expressions for certain instructions because half of the time, you can only communicate with broken English....

4) Never walk to another line just because the line is fast and shorter than your current one, because the officer will ask you to return to your original line, but you need to start all over again from the back of the line.

Hello.... Can You Help to Find 'Me'?

Today i read an old post by a dear Blogger named Noch Noch. Although Noch and I have never met in person before, but i believe is the big 'D' in us that brings us together even though physically we are far apart. We emailed each other when is needed. The best thing, she is now my no-pressure and no-obligation friend.

She wrote about she is still in 'suicidal' stage and is difficult for her to express because the word 'suicidal' is such a taboo word. Not only is difficult for her to share with other people, at the same this one word creates so much frustration for people around her, people who cared for her and people who knew her. For me, i have one additional burden. Not only this word burdens my family and friends, is also create tension among them. If ever i blurt that i feel 'suicidal' in front of them, they will keep telling me 'Don't think like this' or "why you think like this?'. And at the same time, for 'other friends', i am just seeking for attention.

Every day, i fight with myself on stopping myself from indulging into 'suicidal ideation'. I DO NOT HAVE SUICIDAL IDEATION. But, i do not see my purposes of living. In simple word, i lose myself to big 'D'. I succeeded brought myself out from 'D' but i lose my way. I cannot find myself. For some friends, i have turned not normal. That's why when i stop contacting them, they also stop contacting me.

IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I AM LOVING IT TO THE MAX!!!!!

The greatest sweetener of human life is friendship. To raise this to the highest pitch of enjoyment, is a secret which but few discover.....

26th September 2013

Is a year since i had a wonderful birthday celebration with my good friends during 2012.

However, time tested us. Our friendship drifted apart. Till today, it hurts me because the friendship ended with no concrete reason. 

I was waiting for this day to come. I am expecting my mood to be down. And my mood was really down. Other people thought i am down because nobody wishes me happy birthday or no celebration for me. Actually, is not. I am happy when somebody wishes me and gives me presents. But if i do not have any of that, i am still fine with it. However, this year, i am unusually down because of other reasons. Part of it is my depression but another part is the flashbacks of the great time of my birthday celebration with them. I remember i received long distance call from a good friend on that day. I remember they bought me my favourite chocolate mint baskin robbin ice cream. I also remember they dedicated a live happy birthday song from the live singer in the cafe. I remember we had good times.

That is why i dragged coming to today. 

I though i will never have good times anymore. I thought i will never find friends like them anymore. I thought i would never be this happy anymore. 

But, my thoughts are wrong.

God is really great. He will gives you the person you need during the times. If He thinks you do not need them, He either takes them away from you or He makes them go away. Or if He thinks that you need certain friends during the tough times, He will gives you the friends you need, maybe is not the friends you want.... But is the friends you NEED.

I am grateful for all of you who makes my 2013 birthday celebration a blast. And girl, you know who are you. I want to say thank you for replacing my sadness with all this wonderful surprises. I am grateful because God gives me a friend like you during my tough times. I am grateful because you work hard to arrange this celebration birthday for me.... I am happy because you take away my tears with all these laughters with all of them.

I love the surprises you guys gave to me on my birthday despite i thought no one remember my birthday...

I love the cake so much despite you guys have an ugly penis on it.... 

I love the egg white despite i smell like an rotten egg at end of it....

I love the cake on my face despite i know i look ugly in picture in it...

i love the way you guys teased me for being sad because you guys thought i am upset cause there is no celebration for me despite you guys were holding so much excitement to throw the egg on me...

I love the laughter despite i feel like i want to cry during that time.

i love the birthday song you guys sang to me despite i feel is cheesy....

I love the booze you guys gave me that day despite i vomit like shit that day....

I love the companions from you guys despite the friendship we have is short period...

I love the friendship between us....

And i love my birthday celebration because of you guys. Is not because of what you guys gave me and did to me. Is because of the thought of me as your friend and colleagues. And because of that, you guys put so much effort in it. I really can feel my sense of belonging and sense of loving you guys as my friends.

I appreciate what you guys gave to me. Forever, i will hold on to this friendship as long as you allowed and also God permitted.....

Thank you, my friends.... 

I know i will be sad because i am leaving you guys soon. Leaving you guys for Saudi Arabia is my biggest regret because you guys are such a good companion and friend in my life. Your presence is very important in my road of recovery from depression. Although you guys do not know about it, but when you guys involve me in your life, you guys extend your hands to lead me and pull me back from being depressed. By just including me in your life, you guys are already my healers and saviours....

I am going to miss everyone of you.....

Friendship…..

Friendship is one of the most important elements of a happy life - but it can be tough to make new friends and tougher to maintain a true friendship.

The myth of the BFF can be tough to live up to. In Friends, you can see how supportive these 6 people with different characters, unrealistically maintain a long lasting friendships. But in reality, the myth is still a myth. Close friendships that crumble is very painful to watch even on-screen because it is so familiar for all of us. 

My close friends and I had been friends a year plus, and then, one fine day, nothing. I succumbed into big 'D'. On bad days, I turned quiet and isolated myself. On good days, i am ready to be connected but i shy away because i know these people will stopped returning my calls and messages. Although, deep down, i hope they won't give up on me. I hope they can continue be my source of inspiration just like those days. I hope we can still be continue be friends despite me not being myself. But in reality, months passed and i know my close friends had stopped being my close friends. Had, in fact, stop being my friend altogether. And the only reason i know is me being in big 'D'. 

Out of sudden, there was this silence…..

Paying It Forward - Is it worth?

What do you most value in your friends?

Their continued existence.” 

― Christopher Hitchens, Hitch

Every time i am down, i become more depressed. And then my soul dies a little.

Have i been feeling down till i woke up there is this heavy little weight in my chest? 

Yes, i have. 

And it seems kind of norm for women with PMS.

Sometimes i wish someone use a knife and cut my chest and take out the heart and take away the heaviness from me so that i feel a little light. 

Down and depression are normal emotions if it happened once in a while, but it's how we handle this emotions and how our friends response to this 'unusual-not-so-happy' side of me i find it intriguing.

I've had massive frequency of downs and depressed moments for the past two years. And how 'friends' react to this so-called-negative sides of me has always give me a wake-up call. 

"Hello, are these 'friends' ok with you being down?"

Reality check. Ta Da!!!

"Not everybody will be 'ok' with you for being sulking 24/7"

How to tackle ur loneliness?

Hike 1 - Tabur Hill - 2 1/2 hours of hike. One long rest in between.

"I am lonely,. And I am lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, i can see just how lonely i can be, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic."

I am alone....

Once again, i am alone... In this mossy forest that filled with sharp stones. Once slip, i will be history.

Yesterday, someone asked me 'Am i lonely?'. Without hesitation, i replied, 'Yes, i am'.....

They she asked a crucial question, 'Why do you think you feel lonely?'

I hesitated for few minutes.

"I feel lonely because when i tend to isolate myself, they allow me to drift away and reduce their contact times with me."

She asked " Are you afraid of being lonely or you are afraid of friends leaving you behind? "

I paused and thought awhile.

Tears streamed down my cheeks again.

I feel loneliness is a pain. Is an hollow pain which i feel completely alone and empty because there is no one to fill that hollow feeling. The hollow feeling is a result of my fear..... My fear of being alone. I am even afraid to go within my heart and allow this truth to surface that i am actually afraid to be alone. Thus, i did not allow myself to heal, instead i think myself as victim.

Fear of being lonely.....

You are Fully Alive when You Know Fear....

" Do one thing every day that scares you" - Eleanor Roosevelt

End of this year, i decided to go to a place that is completely opposite from what i am standing now. I will lose the comfort of home, family support and Kiki. Not only the place is completely opposite from what am i having now, i will also endure all the challenges and tests all on my own. I will lose contact with everybody i know, i care and i want to keep in touch. I even risk of losing friendships with many people because i am no longer can be in touch as i was before.

Fear....

My emotions swung from clear to fear. Soon, it will turn terrifying. I know it sounded stupid. Why would i put myself in such situation? Why do i allow myself to take this step?

Because of one thing, i am more afraid to lose myself more than losing many things. For the past one year, i met many people. Some people came in to my life, left something and walked away. Some people came in to my life, left and came back, and this make me confused. Some people came in and never leave. I started to feel discomfort within myself. I started to feel myself is losing. I no longer cheerful and strong as before. I no longer hold on to certain things that i was last time. In fact, i am walking away from many things.

I felt crushed.

Anxiety because of one Movie Outing...

She fetched me from dad's shop today... She came back from her gathering with,= the group of friends who are monitoring her and give her many encouragement to overcome her symptoms of laziness.

Out of blue, she asked me out for movie. Immediately, I feel nervousness creeping into me... I do not know how to reject her... But I seriously not ready to go out with her ....

I kept quiet......

After a while, I spoke up....

I told her I would prefer to see her improve in another way... For example like helping around the houses and shops. I told her I'm not ready to do this....

Sigh.... I think I hurt her.....

But I can't help it.... I really cannot get over this barrier.....

Thinking that I may be the cause of she is not recovering is making me feeling really regretful and guilty.....

How I wish I can be better person to her?

I Am Not Where I Thought I Would Be….

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world” – Mahatma Ghandi

When I left Ipoh, I thought KL would be the place that allow me to expand myself further. I was in my comfort zone, right after I graduated from my long distance degree. I passed with flying colors – it was second upper class –. Not too bad for lazy slog like me…..

I envisioned myself enroll in the Pilates for rehabilitation courses, that allowed me to travel to Singapore monthly and also perform my daily routines of practicing Pilates, which I cannot get in Ipoh.

I can see myself learning from all the seniors in whenever hospital I will posted to.

I can see myself spending more times with Kingkong, which I miss out when I was in Ipoh for 4 years.

However, things did not fall on places as I expected. Kingkong passed away within months I returned to KL. I did not enroll the Pilates courses because the price is too expensive. Family problems come in picture. Lifestyle in KL was too hectic for me. I ended up with dry skin and pimples all over my face. Little did I know, inside me, I was not happy and struggle within myself. And slowly, I lose myself.

But God is kind to me.

Guiltiness towards Close Friends 100%.... Sorry.....

I finally told Good friends about my problems....

 And good friend said she will monitor me morning and night....Which is true.... this silly girl really message me morning and night.... to check out whether my mood is down or not..... to see what i'm doing.....

I told her she did not need to do till this extend but i told her i appreciate her for doing this... In fact, i'm glad to know that she concerned about me....

But one day, good friend asked why i did not tell them about it......

I told her guiltiness.....

I told her i know they always concerned about me..... and superb proud that this group of friends are the best group i ever have..... Even though i have lousy her.... but i have good friends like them.... like her....

So much Anger but Is not Her fault....

10.30pm

I was watching TV. Then she called. I looked outside. I saw her car. The call indicated me to repark my car....

Immediately, I got angry.

WHY SHE CANNOT COME DOWN FROM HER CAR N REPARK THE CARS HERSELF AS I ALWAYS DO LAST TIME??????

I took few deep breaths......

I tried to distract myself from my anger.

But I cannot.....

Can feel my tears are boiling out again....

I took my car key and drive out.....

I cannot figure out why I am so angry at her. She did not do anything wrong.

She no longer lie down on sofa as usual.

She came back home early.

I guess the problem is me....

Tears still streaming down my cheek.....

Am becoming like her?

This morning I went to a hike. I'm expecting nobody will not be here cause is too early. But somehow she is here, not only she is here but she also arranged other people as well. Immediately, flashback came. I saw she and he talked behind my back, laughed and ignored me. Immediately i'm having palpitation and my mood went superb down.

I have no chance to tell them that my mood is bad. Maybe saying no chance is an excuse. I guess I cannot control my mood.... I wanted to tell them but when I saw their face, my mood completely went down.

I'm tired. Hardly sleep more than 3 hours. Although eyes close whole night but I'm having the same dream again.

She came home yesterday night after she did not come home the whole night. Immediately she slept on the couch as though she is back to her depress self. Immediately I can feel my temper raised. I took deep breath few times. I feel like scolding her. But I cannot. I can imagine my dad begs me to stop. That's why I cannot scold her. But this does not stop my temper. I slammed the cupboard and door. As though I'm showing my frustration but cannot do it directly at her. I asked J whether she is available for drink. Too bad, she is not available. I knew I have to leave the house or else I'll turn like a monster.

I continue with my task by mopping the floor. Then she rolled towards on the couch and said let me help you carry the pail of water?

Immediately I cannot stop myself. I shouted at her. ' IF YOU WANT TO HELP, PLEASE GET UP AND START BE YOURSELF'. I can feel my tears are boiling up. I took a deep breath again. She wants to tell me something but I stopped her. I told her, 'PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO ME, IF YOU TALK, I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO SLAP YOU FOR BEING LIKE THIS'

She is Back....

Yesterday night she didn't come back home. Dad said she will be in her friend's house. I know where is it but who was she with, none of us know. Why we did not find out???? Why I did not drive to the place and find out? I guess we do not want to know the truth.

So she came back at 6pm. First thing she did is lying down on the couch just the way she has been doing past two weeks....

We did not speak a word.

I withhold my anger.

For the sake of what...... I also do not understand myself anymore.

Good friend is right. I must have deeply hurt last time.

Home is not Like Home Anymore...

I came home. And as usual, she is lying on the couch again. I looked at the table, used plates and cups scattered on the table.

Today is already 4th day she did nothing again... She refused to get up again from bed again....

And this sight breaks my heart.

I spoke to brother...

 He said ' Just scold her, tell people nobody will understand, keep to ourself, we will suffer, might as well just scold her'

Brother is right..... No matter how much you tell anybody, nobody will understand what we are going through.

Spoke to her again today but I did not get any response from her. I guess it doesn't matter to her....

Today's mood : Depressed to max...

Goodbye Letter to A Friend....

Dear my friend,

I guess is time for me to bid goodbye.

I am sorry. I have to give up on this friendship. I want to let you know that I tried very hard to refrain myself from making this decision.

I have tried to salvage this friendship. i told you that I am feeling insecure and I know the problem is about me letting go. I also do not know why I have problem letting go this friendship. Part of me i want to hang on to this friendship. but part of me is already too tired to hang on to it, i wish you can pull me back to this friendship. Right at the moment, I feel I am the only one holding to this friendship. But, we have this topic so many times already. And you still do not know what to do.  i am so disappointed. 

Is much easier if you cut me out from your life, at least, I can grief and cry over it and then get over it. Although I will be hurt for life but at least I move on. 

In this  friendship, I feel my role as friend is replaced. I feel I no longer your priority as friend but at the same time,  you still want me in your life, but my role is just not the same anymore. As though i am nothing to you except be a vase.

Going into grey area is difficult for me in this matter. But life is not about black and white. I tried to create a grey environment for myself. I told myself time change, people change. But instead it makes me feel better, I feel worst. 

During therapy, when she told me to let go this friendship within myself, I cried and sobbed so hard. I feel so hurt. Why I am the one that have to let go? Why can't you hold on to me? I did not stop crying for half an hour.

Safety Net - Where are you?

I thought I grew up independently. Mentally and emotionally.... I always thought I'm strong me mentally... But, year 2012 gives me a blow in my head. Gosh, Xiao Xiao, you overestimated yourself.

I always thought is just only me alone that can make myself happy and move forward. I guess this trait is resulted from being the unusual one in the family. The one that people neglected since young. Thus, i always find ways to entertain myself. But I taught myself not to depend on other people. I thought myself not to be too attach on other people too.

Among my friends, i always known to be independent one. You can throw me anywhere and anytime, and I can survive.

I always be the strong one in the family. especially with A in the house, everyone needs to be strong. One day, I thought I come back home because I want to relieve my parents' burden due to A.

But, who know, i'm weaker than i thought....

One fine day i become moody, down and insecure. My nightmares are more frequent and obvious. I woke up easily. I get tired easily too.

I never thought the day I fall into depression will come.

Looking For Support Friends - Are You There?

5 minutes ago, I had a small chat with a friend and we were having small chat about 'support' via whatsapp.

She said she is having final exam soon. I told her 'good luck' and asked her what can I do for her?

She said 'Nothing'.

I am shocked. And I asked her 'You do not even need moral support?'

My friend believes 'support' is very subjective and depends on individual.

She said 'Ultimately what people do and say may influence ur choice but it is still up to you to put effort and make the decision.'

Somehow the negative of me implied what she said is...

'You are weak, you need more support. I'm not you. I do not need support like you.'

Missing home....

I am beginning to miss everything....

I miss home...

I miss my parents...

I miss Kiki....

Most important, 

I miss myself....

Will I ever find back myself?

Letter to the Myself, The depressive one....

Hello myself,

I think is about time i sent you this mail and as a reminder you some of the thoughts that you are going through now. i hope this letter will be a wake up notice to you if you ever succumb into another depression moment again, is not that i am cursing you but you never know what will happened to you in future, just like what happened to you now. Nobody would have guess you, the jovial and positive minded Xiao Xiao, diagnosed with moderate depression. Worse, the people you are hoping for support, left you there alone....

Do not worry Xiao Xiao, take your time to build your strength. One day, you will be stronger than today.

I know you are going through hard times. Your name is not up in the interview list for promotion. Your boss makes you her scapegoat. The administrator thinks you are nobody during meeting. Your specialist is giving you hard times. Your patient's progression is very slow. You are diagnosed with moderate depression. You need medication to make yourself sleep. Your friends stepped away from you because of your moods. They think you are contagious. Your sister is bipolar sufferer. You have bad childhood. Your sister push you away when you wanted to be with her. You become insecure and perceived things wrongly. You are losing yourself. You miss your old self.

Most of the times, you feel the life is crashing down on you, choking you, trashing you, and stabbing your heart. Then it buries you in the deep rubble and debris of life. Then left you there hanging here alone at the brink of break down.

I know it hurts!!!!

Losing myself to depression

When I am depressed, my perception about many things changes. Most of the time, I perceived things negatively. Is kind of not me.

I was known as 'kai xin guo' among my family members and my close friends. I always want to cheer up the scene, but not the attention seeking type, is more of just want to make everybody happy.

Few days ago, my patient told me that I am such a pleasant girl, my personality is so uplifting and motivating, so much determination and persistence in encouraging my patients to perform exercises. She is happy to have me as her therapist because I give her lots of encouragements to do her exercises. I have so much determination and persistence in me.

Ah.... Determination and Persistence.... I seriously think I am losing myself. I no longer recognize these words in myself. I equally miss the words 'drive' and 'motivation'. 'Sigh....'

My patient did not know, under this happy and confidence face, lies a depressed heart. I am hanging on there. Like a walking corpse. Dead walking around ward. Dead sitting in the meeting. Every morning, I forced myself to smile to everybody. I forced myself to look determine to motivate my patients.

Little did this patient know, this smiley face cried again this morning while on the way coming to work.

Little did this patient know, this cheerful personality girl, almost breakdown when her other patient was pouring out his sad and depress emotions because his wife left him. For a therapist, is a big 'no way'. I should not get involve into patient's life so deep emotionally and mentally. This girl is not in the right 'state of mind' anymore as a therapist.

Along the way, I kept a distance from everyone including my close friends and my family member. I only talk when necessary, I only laugh when necessary. The more I depressed, the quieter my heart become.

8 reasons why people step away from depressive people.

Today I woke up with such a blue feeling. I went to work with gloomy mood.

Yesterday night was sleepless night for me.

Why people step away from people with depression?

1) People think depressive people are faking it to get attention - Actually these depressive feeling is not FAKE... You really can wake up with gloomy mood, thinking this is the end of the world.

2) People think depressive people just desperate and want attention - If they want attention, they would not wait till they get depression and seek for it, they will seek for attention even they are not depress, they just want help and support because they know they are losing themselves.

3) People think depressive people are weak people - How do you define WEAK? Is so subjective. One person's weakness may be another person's strength. What looks like strength can really be weakness too.

4) People think depressive people's mood are contagious, it can affect other people. - Well, if is contagious, there goes the whole world, everybody will be depression. According to US, 1 out of 10 American at one point got clinical depression. You can imagine how depress this country can become if is contagious.

How My Depression Destroys My Friendship....

Is very difficult for me to write this post because I am still in denial in letting go sour friendship.

But, I think I should write a post about thing that matters to me the most.

Depression destroyed my friendship with my closest friends.These friends were one of my closest friends I ever have. Maybe is only me thinking we are close. But I guess it does not matter at this point.

Friends are my pillar of life. I depend on them like I depend on my parents. When I was young, she was never close with me. Therefore, I always go to friends as my support. They are the place where I look for refuge.

However, as I grow, some friends come and go in my life. Most of the friendship grows apart because different interest or move apart due to time. Usually I have no problems with that. However, the most painful about sour friendship is one that separates as a result of no reasons and unresolved conflict. It is still painful for me to let go friendship because of these reasons.

Blaming Game....

I start blaming myself for putting myself into depression.

I blamed myself for bringing my friends into this blaming game as well.

I blame her for not being there for me when I’m having tough time

I blame her for ignoring my messages

I blame her for not anymore messaging me as much as before

I blame her for scolding me without finding out what happened to me.

I even blame my childhood for turning myself into what am I today.

I blame my sister for choosing Jesus and my cousins over me

I blame Jesus for taking away my sister

I blame my cousins for taking away my sister as my playmates.

I blame my attitude for being possessive over friends.

I blame myself for not able to express my anger properly.

I blame myself for starting this blaming game.

Is like a vicious cycle.

So what if I start to blame myself and everybody in this world….

It did not make things better…. It only makes me worsen as a human being.

I want to stop blaming myself but I hardly cannot control this self-torture behaviour.

What should I do from now?

I am not the only one.... He also feels the same....

17th January 2013, 1.44am

I woke up from my sleep again.

This time because I was sneezing non-stop....

I woke up to clear my nose.

I walked to my toilet.

When I walked out the toilet, my not so little brother stood in front of me..

He said 'I don't know what is dad and mom thinking??'

I asked 'what happened?'

My Thoughts....

Today is really a bad day for me.

I cried several times. I hardly can control myself. But I also realized even after I cried, I only feel better and relieved for a moment.

Crying is just a way to relieve my symptoms but it still did not solve my problems.

I seriously need to get hold of myself. I am so worry I am losing myself.I am worry I cannot control myself anymore and go into manic attack.

My thoughts are all negative. No matter how hard to push myself to think positively, I hardly can get hold of any positive thoughts.

Although she said tried cognitive behavioral therapy first, but somehow I feel I need medications help now.

Should I or should I not?

My Childhood, My Ghost....

“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” – Marry Engelbriet.

The first rain after a long hot day gets me thinking what I want to do with my depression. 

I decided to write about it.

Some say that their past haunts them like old ghosts. As for me, my ghost is my childhood.

When I was young, I have a doll that was given by my parents. One fine day, my cousin came over to stay with us. And she cried and demanded to my doll, as someone elder sister, I was forced to give my doll to her. I did not throw tantrum. I did not cried. But I remembered, I was dead upset. I remembered I kept the grudge over this doll business for many years. I only remembered I hated this cousin of mine. But luckily, she did not stay long with us. After a period of time, I forgot about my doll.

 But little did I know, I became protective over my belongings. I got upset and angry when people take away my things. However, as myself, I never confront people. Or should I say, I do not know how to confront people. Therefore, every time I become upset, I hide. I cried alone. I scolded the person for taking away my things. In fact, I programmed my brain I do not need the things anymore even though deep down in my heart, I wanted the things so much….

Whenever my things are taken away, my reactions will be automatic. Usually I will not confront and fight my things. I will allow my things to be taken away, then I will be upset with the person who took away my things and myself for not being able to protect my things.

When my sister chose my cousins and Jesus over me, I also showed the same response. I was really in bad shape. Everyone called me grumpy girl because I was grumpy all the time. Especially when my sister was around…. I became monster….

God Needs Better Assistants....

I also find it confusing.

But I guess all this while I was staying outside. I never know the actual fact of my family is suffering because of her.

Past two years, i came back home, I witnessed and experienced what my parents and brother experienced all the time with her.

Along the years since she suffers bipolar, she did many stupid things. Few significant issues like for cheated in internet scam, she lost 40k, mingled with people from Middle East via Internet, signed multiple packages n got herself credit card debts. We kept her credit card earlier but she went to sign up again... Refused to go out n helped in the stall. Now that she is jobless...

Father is forking out saving to cover her debts...

Initial I came back home to arrange my further studies. I guess I got to abandon the idea cause I think they will not able to support me already....

Initial, my result is not good at all. I thought I wanna go private n study. But I can't cause my dad was supporting her who was in UK then. During that time, conversion rate was high. And dad's business was close down for moment. That's why I went into government college. Now I completed my 5 years service n a long distance degree but both qualifications even Singapore also not recognize. So, I thought I want to go further my master in oversea, but now I have to abandon the idea.

I know bipolar is a long life disorder, is not something she wants and is difficult for her to control, but currently I am not in a position to give her support. Because I felt frustration already. I felt is not worth to help her anymore. But I cannot portray to her that i also have this emotion or else she will feel guilty. That is why  I am keeping to myself...

Telling me not to think too much is not helping me at all. At the moment like this, I cannot help but to think especially when I need to face my sister everyday

Thanks goodness good friend is checking out on me all the time. Asked me how was my mood, pull me bad when my mood was down. Shared with me that she is also bad mood. At least I feel secure in this friendship....

I am the CAUSE......

She insisted me to accompany her to meet her friends....

Out of sudden, She agreed to join the day care centre for a month....

That is why I agreed to join her because I want her to go to the day care centre. I feel even I cannot show my concern, at least I fulfill her request as a support...

I knew her friends; GL and SF, these two friends are her best friend since college times.

Both of them witnessed her transformation. They even witnessed her exorcism. I am grateful they are still so supportive over her but I am sure they are tired of her too as she lied lots during her manic stage.

She claimed she is out from her manic and depress stage now. That is why she wanted to clear things out now.

We met them in SF's house. It was a good choice because I cannot contained my emotions.

She explained to both of them about bipolar and claimed that many of her wrongdoings were during her manic stage.

Wrongdoings included got scammed by some guys. She got cheated RM60k. Lied around about her jobs and lifestyle. Involve in trans in temple.

She said nobody told her that she was in manic stage. Nobody talk to her over it.

She said I used the wrong ways to tell her. And it was not helping her. She said I was not supportive at all.

She said I am the CAUSE of she is not recovering....

My heart ache so much.....

I cried there.

I came back home and cried too..

I cried myself to sleep...

I told good friends. They were trying to help but my heart ache so much, I yet to feel any better....

😢😢😢

Kiki and Sunbathing....

Today I brought Kiki out for a run in the park nearby out house.

As usual, Kiki is superb happy and excited because it has been months since I allowed her to on loose leash.

Is already 11am. It was too hot for children to come out to play, therefor it was the right time.

It was raining few days ago and the grass is yet to be dried, in fact, it was muddy....

Kiki got herself muddy and wet...

So, I ended up bath her today... Right after her bathing, she ran around and shook herself dry.

And voila....

Enjoy herself under the sun...

She sunbathed herself now....

Who are You to Them???

Dear Xiao xiao,

I am the other half yours.....

Why are you making yourself so pathetic, desperate and annoying?

Why are u torturing yourself with all this unnecessary emotional torture?

Why are feeling jealous over the bond they created?

Of course u are the one defeated.

You lost the closeness to one of them.

You are not anymore one of their center of attention.

You are no longer the person one of them depend on...

So, is ok if u bail one of them out.

Although you feel sad and disappointed with yourself because you no longer the interesting person and you are no longer in their priority list.

Xiao xiao,  is ok....

Take your time....

You can let them go...

They do not take you as priority, you also need to let them go. Do not prioritize them anymore.

I know you cannot do not prioritize anymore because you take of them as your sister already.

The sister you never have.

I know if you want to let go, you want to let go completely, the same way you did to her.

I know you will do that to protect yourself from getting hurt again.

But Xiao Xiao, one of them is not your sister.

They never say so...

Think about it slowly Xiao Xiao....

If you hang in to it, at least there is friendship.

If you let go, you will lost all of them.

After all, who are you to them?

Yours other half Xiao Xiao....

Close yet Strangers.....

I know she is trying her best to bond with me.

She asked me out for movie but I declined.

She asked me out for shopping for her shoes but I declined.

As medical staff who read about bipolar, I understand about her condition and also the manifestation of the disorder. I know she is having difficult time to control her mood and herself.

I am tired. I am depressed. I am disappointed.

I am tired to be the support for her.

I am depressed and I lost my bubbly self.

I am disappointed with myself because I allowed myself to be depressed.

But at the same time, I feel guilty because I have to show her I am tired to support her anymore.

I know I am asking for too much.

I want her to be better but I cannot give her what she wants.

I know she always wants us to be close but I cannot.

Is very difficult to tell her and my parents that currently I am having my own issues to settle. And I am hanging on to it. I also have to depend on my friends for emotional support to climb up back.

As much as she is affecting me, I believe I'm affecting her as well. Thus, I called it even.

Part 4 - The girl needs help.....

In any normal circumstances, who wants to even befriend with psychopath. What some more want to be close with one? Plus who wants to mingle with moody brat like the girl.

Another thing the girl've learned is she does not own friends. And she has no control over her friends. The girl needs to change her way of thinking instead of the situation.

Right at the moment, the girl is filled with multiple emotions.

Sad because situation has changed.

Reluctant to let go of the closeness she bonded with her newly found friends.

Upset with herself for being such a pain.

Angry with herself for not able to control her distorted thoughts.

Disappointed with herself for not being able to conquer her emotions.

Clueless about the next step. Should the girl let go this friendship?

Lonely because she is doing this on her own.

Guilty towards her friends because these people are not suppose to be involved or affected because of the girl.

The girl is lost.

She knew she needs help. But not any ordinary help. The girl needs emotional help cause the girl knew what to do already. But, she feels weak and lonely to go through this alone.

But it seemed tall one, thin one and good friend did not know how to handle her. And the girl also did not know how to tell them because the girl felt ridiculous too.

One fine day, the cat city one told the girl to channel all of her yearning for help and attention from the tall one, thin one and good friend to her.

Cat city one messaged the girl 24/7 to check out of the girl...

Part 3 - Nightmare repeating.... repeating... repeating....

The girl returned to concrete jungle. But she forgot that she will turn into bitter girl again once she steps her foot into the house. She forgot but she always knew that she and her sister cannot stay in the same house together. She forgot she will turn weak if she ever stays with her sister in the same house.

She forgot everything till recently.

The girl returned home.

She worked with a torturous empress, who scolded her every other day till the empress found that after all this girl did not deserve the scolding anymore.

Everyday she returned home and looked at the four wall.

She hated her workplace.

She did not perform her best at what she does the best as movement doctor.

She was bored and clueless.

She lost her best companion to old age.

She lost her sense of direction.

Day after day, the girl not only losing herself, she also sees her sister losing herself too.

Back in rainforest, she only listened to brother's voice of disappointment over her sister. But, now that she is back home, the girl witnessed the sister's antic. The girl experienced disappointment too. Now that she is at home, she sees how her sister turns into different person everyday. Everyday, she sees her dad walks upstairs, knocks her sister's room and asked her sister to take her medication.

Once upon a time, her sister was someone who were smart, well-loved by everybody, went to expensive school, worked in expensive country and had high pay job.

Part 2 - As time passes....

Time heals the wound, at least for temporary moment.

The girl's sister was in expensive country. Everybody is proud of her sister and amazed cause her sister was working in expensive country. But the girl was nobody because the girl had nothing.

However, the girl moved on. She found herself an opportunity to study with support from her dirty kingdom. Although her kingdom is a dirty kingdom, at least she got her free education. The girl enjoyed her free education, she met many good friends as well as many good enemies who taught her many valuable lessons.

The girl've learned no matter how close a person with another person, the another person will still backstab you by bad mouthing you when you were asleep, at least the another person thought you are asleep.

The girl've learned 'real' friend was a person who spread bad rumors about you at the same time consoled you because you were down because of the rumor.

The girl've learned the whole class will boikot you because you were close with the teachers

The girl've learned not to be so blur because it was too late to know the thruth after 5 years the in incident happened because there was nothing you can do anymore.

But the most valuable lesson she learnt during her free education is true and sincere friend will be there for you no matter what you become and where you end up and always know how to handle your moodiness. She met 'cat city' girl.

One fine day, the girl's sister caught a bug. And her sister was not well in expensive country. The bug changed her sister into another person. On and off, her sister will turn different person.

Part 1 - Bitter girl....

Once upon a time, there was a girl who has a happy family. This girl was young, bubbly and energetic. However, her existence was overshadowed by her sister all the time. This girl has a sister, who is smart, hardworking, too scorer and well-received by everyone in her family. However, the girl did not mind, instead she was happy for her sister. She was proud because her sister was her mentor, idol and sister. She had someone she can look up to as role model....

However, as the girl and the sister grew up, the sister found a new circle of 'friends' and also new God. The girl was devastated.

One fine day, the sister told the girl that her God is better than the girl's God. The girl's God is just a stone. The girl turned confused. Her sister was condemning other people religion. The girl knew something was not right. But at the same time, she was angry at her sister for being ignorance and she was sad because her sister was no longer the sister she knew.

Her sister had newly found 'friends' and the girl cannot accept her sister's new God. Slowly the girl stepped back. Thus, she grew apart from her sister. Her sister also the same. They went into different pathway.

The girl felt left out.

The girl felt neglected.

The girl felt betrayed.