This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

How My Depression Destroys My Friendship....

Is very difficult for me to write this post because I am still in denial in letting go sour friendship.

But, I think I should write a post about thing that matters to me the most.

Depression destroyed my friendship with my closest friends.These friends were one of my closest friends I ever have. Maybe is only me thinking we are close. But I guess it does not matter at this point.

Friends are my pillar of life. I depend on them like I depend on my parents. When I was young, she was never close with me. Therefore, I always go to friends as my support. They are the place where I look for refuge.

However, as I grow, some friends come and go in my life. Most of the friendship grows apart because different interest or move apart due to time. Usually I have no problems with that. However, the most painful about sour friendship is one that separates as a result of no reasons and unresolved conflict. It is still painful for me to let go friendship because of these reasons.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Blaming Game....

I start blaming myself for putting myself into depression.

I blamed myself for bringing my friends into this blaming game as well.

I blame her for not being there for me when I’m having tough time

I blame her for ignoring my messages

I blame her for not anymore messaging me as much as before

I blame her for scolding me without finding out what happened to me.

I even blame my childhood for turning myself into what am I today.

I blame my sister for choosing Jesus and my cousins over me

I blame Jesus for taking away my sister

I blame my cousins for taking away my sister as my playmates.

I blame my attitude for being possessive over friends.

I blame myself for not able to express my anger properly.

I blame myself for starting this blaming game.

Is like a vicious cycle.

So what if I start to blame myself and everybody in this world….

It did not make things better…. It only makes me worsen as a human being.

I want to stop blaming myself but I hardly cannot control this self-torture behaviour.

What should I do from now?