This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Looking For Support Friends - Are You There?

5 minutes ago, I had a small chat with a friend and we were having small chat about 'support' via whatsapp.

She said she is having final exam soon. I told her 'good luck' and asked her what can I do for her?

She said 'Nothing'.

I am shocked. And I asked her 'You do not even need moral support?'

My friend believes 'support' is very subjective and depends on individual.

She said 'Ultimately what people do and say may influence ur choice but it is still up to you to put effort and make the decision.'

Somehow the negative of me implied what she said is...

'You are weak, you need more support. I'm not you. I do not need support like you.'

This is the danger of being depressed and if the other party knew i am depressed. i tends to put myself in their shoes and make silly assumptions. What makes it worst is everything I perceived whatever they said negatively.

I did not confront her about it. Instead, I asked her the meaning of her statement and whether is it related to me. She said is just general statement. And I believe her. There is nothing wrong with her statement. She is right.

However, i have a different view on support. I think when a person asked for support does not meant the person is not helping herself. The person really needs help, that is why the person ask for help.
Everyday I have been struggling with my internal struggle. I confront my negative thoughts, I acknowledge my negative feelings. I withhold to show my negative emotions. All these needs lots of effort and strength. Sometimes, I am tired and I rest. That is why sometimes I cry alone. But crying alone feels lonely. I thought it would be nice to have a shoulder to cry on. That is why I show my vulnerable side to the person I thought I can depend on. But, human does makes mistake. I make wrong assumption. It seemed not every shoulder I can cry on.

i believe no matter how strong a person is, the person always needs support in whatever they are doing or anything a person want to achieve. Even though, the support is virtual or the person feels she does not need it, but with genuine support from anybody, the person can feels that she/he is not alone to go through the tough times. In fact, it is much more easier to walk the stormy journey alone because during the journey, someone is there for you and at the end of the journey, someone is waiting for you.

Before i succumb into the journey of depression, I always believe to provide my maximum support to my family members and friends within my ability, whenever they are going through the tough times.

That is why, when my friends, who knew that I am in this journey of depression, were not there for me as I expected them to do. I become more depressed.

I knew i should not used the word 'I expected' because expectations kill everything.... And putting false hope will demoralizes my process of recovering from depression.

But, if you read further, my expectation is very simple. And just because I am asking for support, this does not meant I am not walking this journey. No matter what, this journey of depression is my journey. I still need to walk this journey on my own. But I certainly feel better and ease if someone is there to support me.

Therefore, I am looking for support not because i am not doing anything. i am making a step to help myself, but i worry i cannot finish the journey. i scared i give up without me noticing it. That's why i am looking for support. I do not see anything wrong with it, but I got to admit sometimes I feel vulnerable when I bare my weaknesses like this.

I just want a friend who will walk along with me in this journey of depression, if I am walking too slow, this friend will hold my hand and pull me along.

I just want a friend who will assure me that they are still my friend even though this friend cannot hold my hand and pull me along because I am walking too slow or under any circumstances, this friend can assure me 'Xiao Xiao, I cannot help you but do not worry, I will wait for you at the end of the journey.' What this friend can do is treat me as usual. Make things as normal as possible. Do not assume and make assumption on my condition. Allow me to walk at my own pace.

I just want a friend who did not cut me out completely from their life because I am having depression. If I am such a nuisance to them, I hope they have a flashback of the good times we had and the person I was. If they cannot walk along with me or wait for me at the end of the journey, tell me and explain to me in person so at least I understand their circumstances and i will stop disturb them.

I just want a friend who cares for me...

I just want a friend who will hold my hand and pull me out from my bed when I am unable to get up early morning.

I just want a friend who will Whatsapp me and tell me 'no matter what are you feeling today, just share with me.'

I just want a friend who will appear in front of my house, just to make sure I am fine.

I just want a friend, who will buy movie tickets in advance and instruct me to accompany her to watch movie.

I just want a friend, who will threaten to report police if I do not reply her call.

I just want a friend, who will force me to go out to eat dinner even though I keep refuse, cause she knows that I need to eat.

Actually, all above meant I just want a friend who can be silent with me in my moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with me in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with me the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

Am I asking for too much?

Anyone of you out there really think I am weak because I ask for support for my journey?

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