Friendship…..

Friendship is one of the most important elements of a happy life - but it can be tough to make new friends and tougher to maintain a true friendship.

The myth of the BFF can be tough to live up to. In Friends, you can see how supportive these 6 people with different characters, unrealistically maintain a long lasting friendships. But in reality, the myth is still a myth. Close friendships that crumble is very painful to watch even on-screen because it is so familiar for all of us. 

My close friends and I had been friends a year plus, and then, one fine day, nothing. I succumbed into big 'D'. On bad days, I turned quiet and isolated myself. On good days, i am ready to be connected but i shy away because i know these people will stopped returning my calls and messages. Although, deep down, i hope they won't give up on me. I hope they can continue be my source of inspiration just like those days. I hope we can still be continue be friends despite me not being myself. But in reality, months passed and i know my close friends had stopped being my close friends. Had, in fact, stop being my friend altogether. And the only reason i know is me being in big 'D'. 

Out of sudden, there was this silence…..

And this silence bothered me the most. Not only this silence that disturbed me days and nights, the fact that i felt that i couldn't speak of what happened between us to anyone else. It felt almost to trivial to mention. 

It seemed that women are loath to confront each other when a relationship is failing. Although i am experiencing this myself, i am still puzzled as to why it should happen. Is it my silent due to my big 'D' contributes so much to the connectivity between us. Once i am silent, our friendship follows as well…..

It was just one year ago, we went on trip together, we cooked and ate dinner together. they taught how to swim, we said farewell together, we supported each other when one of us needs to make big life decision to let each other knows that you can fall on us anytime and anywhere. Back then, we would spend whole days and nights talking. Why, then, were we so uncomfortable in airing our grievances with one another as adults? Where did the silence between us come from?

The 'online' status in whatsapp but you are not the person they wanna be connected with had become reminder of me is not anymore the priority in their life. And i feel like a failure and the situation becomes painful for me to face. Part of me will always wonder where they are and how they are doing. But i also always wonder are they experiencing what i am experiencing now? 

Am i just a passer-by in their life? Someone who came into their life, but did not leave anything behind for them to remember me as their 'close friend'. 

It hurts…...