Your Brain is Torturing You....

We are a fool…. Our brain operates on neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters can come in form of adrenaline which give us the fight and flee reaction, dopamine which controls our coordination and body movement and even serotonin which controls our moods. 

Depression = Decrease Serotonin.

And what happened when you have depression, when we are in high stress level, our brain uses more serotonin hormone, and before our brain can replaces the used-serotonin, we force ourselves to function as norm as possible. Our brain never stops working. Even though we can sleep at night, but our brain works. And our brain works really fast. It gives you weird imagination and also wrong impressions. The point is depression makes you make lousy decision. It gives us nightmares, it wakes you up at wee hours, normally at around 4.00am. It makes you tired during day time despite you sleep 10 hours per day. It makes you feel insecure. You will lose confident in yourself. It makes you forgetful and scatterbrain at home and at work too.

But, i think the most difficult thing for me to handle is my brain turns against me. My mind constantly dig into my memory and pick the worst memory it can finds - my restrained childhood relationship, the low self-esteem keeps telling you that you will never find happiness, the critical inner child that keeps telling you that you are not good enough or even the troublemaker you keeps sounding that you are a burden to people surround you.

Your brain is torturing you….

And it always follow you….

Every time your mind begins to pick up with the world, your brain brings along this ‘garbage truck’. Your past can create new ideas/thoughts to torture you. Anybody who unluckily struck by this depression spell will always received the same ‘garbage truck’ in the mind. It will keep repeats till one day you think the only way to stop it is kill yourself. Believe me, i have been there. This spell is indeed a scary spell. And you will find yourself falls into the spell easily because you are tired to fight against it. You will be physically tired because you do not get the right sleep at night, and you will be mentally tired because your mind will keep repeating the same scenarios over and over again. 

Your brain will tell you:

- your friends will leave you once they know you have depression.

- you are a burden to your family and friends.

- you are going crazy and there is nowhere out except you stuck in your brain like this forever.

- you would be better off dead.

- you should probably jump off from this cliff.

Your brain is like a ‘video tape’ now. It will keep rewinds your worst stages of life. Your friends left you because you have depression. Your friends back mouthed you and said crazy psychopath. Frequent if not constant thoughts and preoccupations about past problems and issues is a sign of depression.

Therefore, here is what i want to tell you out  there:-

You are not alone. No matter what your brain tells you that in this world you are alone. Nobody will understand what you are going through now. 

NO!!!! THERE WILL BE A PERSON IN YOUR LIFE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH….. I CAN BE THE FIRST PERSON.

You cannot snap yourself out of it. If a friend tells you to snap it out or tell you that you think too much. 

STAY AWAY FROM THESE FRIENDS. THEY ARE HELPFUL BUT THEY ARE NOT USING THE RIGHT WAY. THEY SHOULD BE THE ONE THAT DRAGS YOU OUT FROM YOUR HOME OR YOUR WORK AND ACCOMPANY YOU TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST. BUT WITH ONE CONDITION, YOU ASK FOR HELP AND SAY YOU WANT TO GO TO SEEK HELP.

Depression is a common condition, mental health problems. Someone told me many women at least experienced one episode of depression in their life. And based on my experience, you do not need hospital admission. So do not be afraid to go see your doctor. Unless you want to wait for yourself to jump off the cliff or your parents found you cutting your wrist in your bathroom ———> this is called active suicidal thoughts. 

ASK FOR HELP. THERE IS NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

If you are depressed, expect your brain to be filled this ‘garbage truck’ - get ready for it. During this period, do not make major changes in your life, because you may have different perspective. You probably make the wrong decisions. 

I EXPERIENCED IT BEFORE THUS I AM SUFFERING FROM THE CONSEQUENCES. 

- Depression is a major mental illness that is common, therefore there are many drug companies supported many researchers. Out there, there are many professionals who spent years in studying about mental health. There are many psychiatrists, clinical psychologists and trained counsellor out there. So listen to them. 

NOT YOUR NEIGHBOURS, YOUR MOTHER’S COUSIN’S MOTHER IN LAW’S SISTER’S FRIEND, who will tell you that psychiatrist medications will make you go more crazy. 

Remember, this people do not have 1000 'video tape’ that keep on remind about your pasts and also 150km/h garbage truck that follow their brain anytime and anywhere they go. STICK WITH PROFESSIONAL OPINIONS. Depression is a mental health problem with chemical disorders. It is not cause by evil spirits or you are possessed by demons.

When you are depressed, you will may face the ugly truth of some people out there, no matter how close you are to them, no matter how much you do for them, no matter how great this person is to you, no matter how many parties you guys went together, no matter how much you life them more than your sister, they may walk out from your life because you are such a pain in your butt. Be prepared to be depressed because you are depressed your friends left you. Be prepared that they may not respond as how you want them to respond to your depression.

All of us, who experienced depressions or are having depression now, will always look for ways to escape. When we say escape, it means escape from this torturing ‘video tape’ or garbage truck, mentally and emotionally. Common methods of escaping from depression are excessive alcohol usage, drugs, sexual relationships, changing jobs (that’s what i chose——> and i am regretting to the maximum now), etc. 

I have a close friend, who keeps staying in hotel instead her home because she said she needs space to herself. Usually, you will find this methods do not work or do not bring any benefits towards your recovery.

 MOST IMPORTANT - DON’T MAKE ANY CHANGES, GET HELP FROM PROFESSIONAL.

- Do not assume all medications for psychiatric problems are the same. There are medications that will improve your moods and there are medications that will calm you down. Just because your doctor gave you medications to calm you down, does not meant you are not depressed. 

FOLLOW THE DOCTOR’S ORDER AND ALWAYS BE HONEST WITH HIM/HER ABOUT YOUR MOOD CHANGES. I USED MOOD DIARY WHEN I AM ON MEDICATIONS, SO THAT I CAN SHOW HIM MY MOOD CHANGES THROUGHOUT THE THERAPY. 

- If you are on medications, please do not expect you are taking ‘miracle pill’ that will take all your sadness away and only leave the happiness with you. THERE IS NO IMMEDIATE RECOVERY. And seeing the doctor is your first responsibility. The next step are also your responsibilities. Find peace with yourself. Find ways to acknowledge your problems. If needed, stay away from people who makes you sad. 

- Besides seeing your psychiatrist, i highly recommend anybody with depression to see clinical psychologist. However, it is a tricky process to find a proper and good clinical psychologist in Malaysia. First, the number of clinical psychologists are too minimal here. And another reason is all of us have different personalities, styles and attitudes. The same person that are suitable with me, may not be suitable with you. But, for one thing, i am very sure if a clinical psychologist tells you that ‘she does not believe in medication, get the hell out of there. 

We already past 2012. Modern medicine is everywhere. Based of my experience, there are many inexperienced therapists with under training out there, or there are many counsellors claim they are trained clinical psychologists. I am sorry, i do not have a database of clinical psychologists in Malaysia with me. If i have, i would share with you. The only thing i know, there are only 4 clinical psychologists in Malaysia’s government hospitals. The rest are counsellors. 

- And do not be fool by yourself, you maybe depressed but you are not stupid. Most of the time, we have tendency to hid the truth or manipulate the stories around so that we can make ourselves like a victim in the whole situation. You are depressed, not coward. Be brave to admit it and be brave to take a step to rectify it. Stop making yourself like a victim of the situation. Stop asking for pity. Be honest with yourself. 

- And most important, do not forget, when you have depression, you are not the only one is affected with the whole situation. Your family will be affected. Your friends will be affected. Your ‘garbage truck’ is running in your brain, thinking of every bad thing that has been done, said or not done. And the people around you can hear it. They are there. So, be kind and thankful to them who stand by you throughout the whole ordeal. Allow forgiveness to come to those who leave you throughout the ordeal. They maybe your friend, but they are human too. 

Your ‘video tape’ and ‘garbage truck’ may affect them as much as it affects you. If you are unlucky, you will meet the closest friend you have will be the worst nightmare, not that she is not helping you as you expect because the closeness that you has, instead she steps on you and pushes you deeper into the depression deeper than you thought. 

There is a proverb by Buddha

 ‘If you cannot help a person, at least do not hurt them’. 

Stay away. There is nothing can be done anymore. 

Conclusion

In this era, depression is no longer similar as AIDS with no cure, many people recover from depression with professional helps. Depression hits anybody. Even children have depression too. Most of the depression period is short period, with serotonin returns once stress level reduces. But if depression comes and stays with you. Do not hesitate to look for help from professionals. Do not stop looking around for family members and friends who will be there to help you. When you ask, you will get it.

p.s:- THIS POST I WANT TO DEDICATE TO A FRIEND, WHO COMES INTO MY DEPRESSION PHASE AND BRINGS ME OUT FROM IT EVEN THOUGH WE ARE NOT CLOSE. THE GIRL WHO ALWAYS FINDS WAYS TO IMPROVE MY SELF-ESTEEM AND LACK OF CONFIDENCE IN STARTING A NEW FRIENDSHIP ALL OVER AGAIN. THE GIRL WHO WILL FIND WAYS TO REPLACE THE OLD MEMORIES I HAD BEFORE. THE GIRL WHO I CALLED MY FRIEND.