This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Hello.... Can You Help to Find 'Me'?

Today i read an old post by a dear Blogger named Noch Noch. Although Noch and I have never met in person before, but i believe is the big 'D' in us that brings us together even though physically we are far apart. We emailed each other when is needed. The best thing, she is now my no-pressure and no-obligation friend.

She wrote about she is still in 'suicidal' stage and is difficult for her to express because the word 'suicidal' is such a taboo word. Not only is difficult for her to share with other people, at the same this one word creates so much frustration for people around her, people who cared for her and people who knew her. For me, i have one additional burden. Not only this word burdens my family and friends, is also create tension among them. If ever i blurt that i feel 'suicidal' in front of them, they will keep telling me 'Don't think like this' or "why you think like this?'. And at the same time, for 'other friends', i am just seeking for attention.

Every day, i fight with myself on stopping myself from indulging into 'suicidal ideation'. I DO NOT HAVE SUICIDAL IDEATION. But, i do not see my purposes of living. In simple word, i lose myself to big 'D'. I succeeded brought myself out from 'D' but i lose my way. I cannot find myself. For some friends, i have turned not normal. That's why when i stop contacting them, they also stop contacting me.