This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Depression: Lesson or blessing?

"Some people pass through our lives in a shorter time frame than we had hoped to teach us things they never could have taught if they stayed"

View from Tabur Hike
It took me a year before i could open a hidden file that i virtually put in in hidden mode in my computer because the stuffs in the file give me flashbacks of a wonderful friendship that i thought is going to last forever in my life. Today i overcame my fear. I told myself is time to see whether the wound still hurt or not. Sad to say, the wound still feel pain. Although it no longer feels like a burning pain like fresh cut wound as before, but it is still painful.

Open this hidden file reminds me of a scene in Nurse Jackie when Jackie discovered her daughter, Grace is suffering from depression.

Grace : “It’s like I’m on the edge of having ten ideas all at once, only maybe, I don’t have to have them. Like I could say “freeze” and walk right up to them and see if I want to let them in or not. I don’t think they’re ever going to go away, but if I don’t want to think them, I don’t have to.”

Jackie: “No you don’t.”

Grace: “My heart is moving a little slower. I can’t tell. But it’s OK, it’s just for now.”

I took my time to rearrange the photos. It took me so long to figure out what to do with it. I clicked on the right click and attempted to move it to trash several times. My heart and brain are having tug-of-war now. 

The common sense brain said 'The photos are useless now. They no longer serve any purpose in your life anymore, So there is no point to use up the space in your computer now'. 

But the heart said 'Xiao Xiao, you are a human with heart. How could you cut off everything by just deleting the pictures. The pictures may vanished from your computer forever, but can it remove from your heart forever?'

I am calmer now.

When i looked back now, i feel the foolishness in me. I feel the silliness in me and i feel the stupidity in me. For some reasons, i am a late-boomer. For some people, they experience friendship breakup in primary and secondary schools. For me, i experience when i am adult and at the same time, when i felt into the depression. I thought these friends who knows the real me, will be there when i am down, will tolerate with my nonsense excuses, or will be waiting for me to snap out of it patiently. But, not only i receive their concern, care and love as i hoped to, i received penalty for being depressed, i received out-cast treatment as though i am psychotic patient that will harm people, i received hateful remarks.

But for some reasons, i decided to leave and come to foreign land. Surprisingly, the circle of friends here are superb. I learnt to be friends with other people again. I learnt to accept friendship. I learnt to trust people again. I learnt to make joke and laugh again. Although they do not know what i am going through, but i know these girls will accept what i was and what i am because i know for one thing, i am not the only one who leave home country because of running away from things, incidents and people that make them no longer can stay in their own home countries anymore.

Now that i am more mature than one year ago, i learnt lessons and blessing from the friends who i thought that will be my friends forever during my depression period.

Lesson Number One
Some people are not meant to stay in my life because they can only teach me to be stronger than before when they leave me in the depressed state.

Lesson Number Two
When one person chooses to leave my life, always believe another people will choose to come into my life, no matter how old am I.

Lesson Number Three
There are always space and room for an extra friend. And is always depend on me whether i am allowing this person to come into my life or not.

Lesson Number Four
No matter how dark the room I am in, somehow if I take one step at a time, I will find the pathway to the light of hope.

Lesson Number Five
Depression wakes me up and gives me clearer pictures on who and what I want in a person to be in my life as friend and even better, as family member.

Blessing Number One
My family will always be there for me, no matter what, no matter if I turn into monster, no matter if I leave and come back to them after some time. FAMILY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME.

Blessing Number Two
I learnt to map my future at my present state now.

Blessing Number Three
Despite some people leaves me when i was depressed, I just need to open my eyes and see there are also other people stay by my side quietly, looking out for me.

Blessing Number Four
Along the way, I meet new people and these new people can be the girls that will stay besides me for the rest of my life.

Blessing Number Five.
I am earning more than I ever have before.

If you think you are suffering now and feel alone, and you feel is difficult to count your blessings, do not worry. You are not the only one. I would say, go with your feeling, let it go through the phases of depression on its own, you do not need to be positive and nice all the time. But always remember one thing that is DO NOT AFRAID TO TRY AND FAIL. If today you cannot smile at 1 person, is just fine. Tomorrow, you must try to smile at 1 persons again. Same goes with the blessing, if today you cannot recall any blessing or any lessons, is OK. Tomorrow you try again.  Is fine to feel the fear.