Depression: Lesson or blessing?

"Some people pass through our lives in a shorter time frame than we had hoped to teach us things they never could have taught if they stayed"

View from Tabur Hike

It took me a year before i could open a hidden file that i virtually put in in hidden mode in my computer because the stuffs in the file give me flashbacks of a wonderful friendship that i thought is going to last forever in my life. Today i overcame my fear. I told myself is time to see whether the wound still hurt or not. Sad to say, the wound still feel pain. Although it no longer feels like a burning pain like fresh cut wound as before, but it is still painful.

Open this hidden file reminds me of a scene in Nurse Jackie when Jackie discovered her daughter, Grace is suffering from depression.

Grace : “It’s like I’m on the edge of having ten ideas all at once, only maybe, I don’t have to have them. Like I could say “freeze” and walk right up to them and see if I want to let them in or not. I don’t think they’re ever going to go away, but if I don’t want to think them, I don’t have to.”

Jackie: “No you don’t.”

Grace: “My heart is moving a little slower. I can’t tell. But it’s OK, it’s just for now.”

I took my time to rearrange the photos. It took me so long to figure out what to do with it. I clicked on the right click and attempted to move it to trash several times. My heart and brain are having tug-of-war now. 

The common sense brain said 'The photos are useless now. They no longer serve any purpose in your life anymore, So there is no point to use up the space in your computer now'. 

But the heart said 'Xiao Xiao, you are a human with heart. How could you cut off everything by just deleting the pictures. The pictures may vanished from your computer forever, but can it remove from your heart forever?'

I am calmer now.

When i looked back now, i feel the foolishness in me. I feel the silliness in me and i feel the stupidity in me. For some reasons, i am a late-boomer. For some people, they experience friendship breakup in primary and secondary schools. For me, i experience when i am adult and at the same time, when i felt into the depression. I thought these friends who knows the real me, will be there when i am down, will tolerate with my nonsense excuses, or will be waiting for me to snap out of it patiently. But, not only i receive their concern, care and love as i hoped to, i received penalty for being depressed, i received out-cast treatment as though i am psychotic patient that will harm people, i received hateful remarks.

But for some reasons, i decided to leave and come to foreign land. Surprisingly, the circle of friends here are superb. I learnt to be friends with other people again. I learnt to accept friendship. I learnt to trust people again. I learnt to make joke and laugh again. Although they do not know what i am going through, but i know these girls will accept what i was and what i am because i know for one thing, i am not the only one who leave home country because of running away from things, incidents and people that make them no longer can stay in their own home countries anymore.

Now that i am more mature than one year ago, i learnt lessons and blessing from the friends who i thought that will be my friends forever during my depression period.

Lesson Number One

Some people are not meant to stay in my life because they can only teach me to be stronger than before when they leave me in the depressed state.

Lesson Number Two

When one person chooses to leave my life, always believe another people will choose to come into my life, no matter how old am I.

Lesson Number Three

There are always space and room for an extra friend. And is always depend on me whether i am allowing this person to come into my life or not.

Lesson Number Four

No matter how dark the room I am in, somehow if I take one step at a time, I will find the pathway to the light of hope.

Lesson Number Five

Depression wakes me up and gives me clearer pictures on who and what I want in a person to be in my life as friend and even better, as family member.

Blessing Number One

My family will always be there for me, no matter what, no matter if I turn into monster, no matter if I leave and come back to them after some time. FAMILY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME.

Blessing Number Two

I learnt to map my future at my present state now.

Blessing Number Three

Despite some people leaves me when i was depressed, I just need to open my eyes and see there are also other people stay by my side quietly, looking out for me.

Blessing Number Four

Along the way, I meet new people and these new people can be the girls that will stay besides me for the rest of my life.

Blessing Number Five.

I am earning more than I ever have before.

If you think you are suffering now and feel alone, and you feel is difficult to count your blessings, do not worry. You are not the only one. I would say, go with your feeling, let it go through the phases of depression on its own, you do not need to be positive and nice all the time. But always remember one thing that is DO NOT AFRAID TO TRY AND FAIL. If today you cannot smile at 1 person, is just fine. Tomorrow, you must try to smile at 1 persons again. Same goes with the blessing, if today you cannot recall any blessing or any lessons, is OK. Tomorrow you try again.  Is fine to feel the fear. 

You Went for a Coffee Chat and You Went Home....

You heard of bad news, i am faraway from home. i am not celebrating Chinese New Year with my family and friends this year. i am also not going on family trip with them this year too. However you heard it, i know you immediately felt bad, you asked how to help, what can you do for me, you will pray for me. Whatever you did, i am grateful, even you did not say anything about it. You are a blessing to me. I am grateful that the fact my presence is important to you, that is why you spend time for me, even in your prayer.

However, as the time goes, you move on with your life, i moved on with mine. Life goes back to normal. You called, you asked, you caught up with me over a cup of coffee. You did what you could have done for a friend. Once the ordeal was done, the day was done too, and you went home. Back to your life, back to your love, back to those who make your world complete.

You came to me and then you went home.

But someone like me remains the same. After the cup of coffee, i went back home. I still feel bad about myself. The couch feels warm and cozy, but the heart still feels empty. Life is not anymore the same again for me and it never will be again. Where there was once laughter during the coffee chat, now is no longer there anymore. The short coffee chat seemed so long for me. There are clothes unpack, shoes scattered around, passport lied on the bed. So much to do and so many memories left to be remembered, processed and grieved to a lost friendship.

Friendship - Really Want To Say Good Bye

"Tears are forming in my eyes as i look into the sky. Just by looking, the memories flow. A day without you is painful. The longing rises. Love is crying and being scattered in the wind. My tears, my sad memories, my love whom i miss i always draw you out from the sky, yes i live in pain like this. Again today i live in pain."

Xiao Xiao

I am already out of Facebook world for almost half a year. And to tell the truth, sometimes i missed the connection with friends using Facebook. Sometimes i just want to know what is the latest thing they are up to. Sometimes i just want to know what is their latest status. And sometimes i just want to know how they are doing. Are they fine?

But i chose to stay out from it. Facebook is one of the world that i cannot return already. I feel all my sadness comes pouring in to my face. Knowing that they are fine while i am still tendering my broken heart makes me feel pathetic. Knowing they are doing as great as before without my presence is like adding salt to my wound. The feeling is painful and deep. Knowing that they are having fun during New Year. Knowing that my family members will be having family gathering without my presence will drag me more to depression.

There are a million reasons why a friendship may change over time. You grow older, relocate to another country for career sake, and sometimes start having your own family. Single girl like me will be like an extra in their new life. Is a fact that is normal that growing apart from old friends becomes part of our lives. I found myself feeling disconnected, and discovering that my best friends did not really know me at all. Our passions were no longer the same.

Sometimes i found myself telling myself to wait for a while. "Maybe it's just me," I thought. I tell myself maybe i need to try harder, initiate to message, whatsapp more or maybe write an lengthy email. I did. I wrote letters before i leave. I left presents for everyone of them before i leave because i knew days like this will come. My best friend, who had known me longer than anyone else, is no longer the same person i knew. We grown apart. And knowing this fact, i know my heart is aching and i can feel incredibly sad.

Is difficult for me to accept the fact that i am living my life now without the bond we had together. Sometimes at night, i woke up with anxiety, knowing myself that i need to let go this friendship but part of me refused to left go. And i cannot believe that i am letting this happen to my friendship.

One day, a friend sent me this....

And then, another friend said

"Take what you need, take what you can, and forgive the rest"

IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I AM LOVING IT TO THE MAX!!!!!

The greatest sweetener of human life is friendship. To raise this to the highest pitch of enjoyment, is a secret which but few discover.....

26th September 2013

Is a year since i had a wonderful birthday celebration with my good friends during 2012.

However, time tested us. Our friendship drifted apart. Till today, it hurts me because the friendship ended with no concrete reason. 

I was waiting for this day to come. I am expecting my mood to be down. And my mood was really down. Other people thought i am down because nobody wishes me happy birthday or no celebration for me. Actually, is not. I am happy when somebody wishes me and gives me presents. But if i do not have any of that, i am still fine with it. However, this year, i am unusually down because of other reasons. Part of it is my depression but another part is the flashbacks of the great time of my birthday celebration with them. I remember i received long distance call from a good friend on that day. I remember they bought me my favourite chocolate mint baskin robbin ice cream. I also remember they dedicated a live happy birthday song from the live singer in the cafe. I remember we had good times.

That is why i dragged coming to today. 

I though i will never have good times anymore. I thought i will never find friends like them anymore. I thought i would never be this happy anymore. 

But, my thoughts are wrong.

God is really great. He will gives you the person you need during the times. If He thinks you do not need them, He either takes them away from you or He makes them go away. Or if He thinks that you need certain friends during the tough times, He will gives you the friends you need, maybe is not the friends you want.... But is the friends you NEED.

I am grateful for all of you who makes my 2013 birthday celebration a blast. And girl, you know who are you. I want to say thank you for replacing my sadness with all this wonderful surprises. I am grateful because God gives me a friend like you during my tough times. I am grateful because you work hard to arrange this celebration birthday for me.... I am happy because you take away my tears with all these laughters with all of them.

I love the surprises you guys gave to me on my birthday despite i thought no one remember my birthday...

I love the cake so much despite you guys have an ugly penis on it.... 

I love the egg white despite i smell like an rotten egg at end of it....

I love the cake on my face despite i know i look ugly in picture in it...

i love the way you guys teased me for being sad because you guys thought i am upset cause there is no celebration for me despite you guys were holding so much excitement to throw the egg on me...

I love the laughter despite i feel like i want to cry during that time.

i love the birthday song you guys sang to me despite i feel is cheesy....

I love the booze you guys gave me that day despite i vomit like shit that day....

I love the companions from you guys despite the friendship we have is short period...

I love the friendship between us....

And i love my birthday celebration because of you guys. Is not because of what you guys gave me and did to me. Is because of the thought of me as your friend and colleagues. And because of that, you guys put so much effort in it. I really can feel my sense of belonging and sense of loving you guys as my friends.

I appreciate what you guys gave to me. Forever, i will hold on to this friendship as long as you allowed and also God permitted.....

Thank you, my friends.... 

I know i will be sad because i am leaving you guys soon. Leaving you guys for Saudi Arabia is my biggest regret because you guys are such a good companion and friend in my life. Your presence is very important in my road of recovery from depression. Although you guys do not know about it, but when you guys involve me in your life, you guys extend your hands to lead me and pull me back from being depressed. By just including me in your life, you guys are already my healers and saviours....

I am going to miss everyone of you.....

Friendship…..

Friendship is one of the most important elements of a happy life - but it can be tough to make new friends and tougher to maintain a true friendship.

The myth of the BFF can be tough to live up to. In Friends, you can see how supportive these 6 people with different characters, unrealistically maintain a long lasting friendships. But in reality, the myth is still a myth. Close friendships that crumble is very painful to watch even on-screen because it is so familiar for all of us. 

My close friends and I had been friends a year plus, and then, one fine day, nothing. I succumbed into big 'D'. On bad days, I turned quiet and isolated myself. On good days, i am ready to be connected but i shy away because i know these people will stopped returning my calls and messages. Although, deep down, i hope they won't give up on me. I hope they can continue be my source of inspiration just like those days. I hope we can still be continue be friends despite me not being myself. But in reality, months passed and i know my close friends had stopped being my close friends. Had, in fact, stop being my friend altogether. And the only reason i know is me being in big 'D'. 

Out of sudden, there was this silence…..

How to tackle ur loneliness?

Hike 1 - Tabur Hill - 2 1/2 hours of hike. One long rest in between.

"I am lonely,. And I am lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, i can see just how lonely i can be, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic."

I am alone....

Once again, i am alone... In this mossy forest that filled with sharp stones. Once slip, i will be history.

Yesterday, someone asked me 'Am i lonely?'. Without hesitation, i replied, 'Yes, i am'.....

They she asked a crucial question, 'Why do you think you feel lonely?'

I hesitated for few minutes.

"I feel lonely because when i tend to isolate myself, they allow me to drift away and reduce their contact times with me."

She asked " Are you afraid of being lonely or you are afraid of friends leaving you behind? "

I paused and thought awhile.

Tears streamed down my cheeks again.

I feel loneliness is a pain. Is an hollow pain which i feel completely alone and empty because there is no one to fill that hollow feeling. The hollow feeling is a result of my fear..... My fear of being alone. I am even afraid to go within my heart and allow this truth to surface that i am actually afraid to be alone. Thus, i did not allow myself to heal, instead i think myself as victim.

Fear of being lonely.....

You are Fully Alive when You Know Fear....

" Do one thing every day that scares you" - Eleanor Roosevelt

End of this year, i decided to go to a place that is completely opposite from what i am standing now. I will lose the comfort of home, family support and Kiki. Not only the place is completely opposite from what am i having now, i will also endure all the challenges and tests all on my own. I will lose contact with everybody i know, i care and i want to keep in touch. I even risk of losing friendships with many people because i am no longer can be in touch as i was before.

Fear....

My emotions swung from clear to fear. Soon, it will turn terrifying. I know it sounded stupid. Why would i put myself in such situation? Why do i allow myself to take this step?

Because of one thing, i am more afraid to lose myself more than losing many things. For the past one year, i met many people. Some people came in to my life, left something and walked away. Some people came in to my life, left and came back, and this make me confused. Some people came in and never leave. I started to feel discomfort within myself. I started to feel myself is losing. I no longer cheerful and strong as before. I no longer hold on to certain things that i was last time. In fact, i am walking away from many things.

I felt crushed.

I Am Not Where I Thought I Would Be….

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world” – Mahatma Ghandi

When I left Ipoh, I thought KL would be the place that allow me to expand myself further. I was in my comfort zone, right after I graduated from my long distance degree. I passed with flying colors – it was second upper class –. Not too bad for lazy slog like me…..

I envisioned myself enroll in the Pilates for rehabilitation courses, that allowed me to travel to Singapore monthly and also perform my daily routines of practicing Pilates, which I cannot get in Ipoh.

I can see myself learning from all the seniors in whenever hospital I will posted to.

I can see myself spending more times with Kingkong, which I miss out when I was in Ipoh for 4 years.

However, things did not fall on places as I expected. Kingkong passed away within months I returned to KL. I did not enroll the Pilates courses because the price is too expensive. Family problems come in picture. Lifestyle in KL was too hectic for me. I ended up with dry skin and pimples all over my face. Little did I know, inside me, I was not happy and struggle within myself. And slowly, I lose myself.

But God is kind to me.

Guiltiness towards Close Friends 100%.... Sorry.....

I finally told Good friends about my problems....

 And good friend said she will monitor me morning and night....Which is true.... this silly girl really message me morning and night.... to check out whether my mood is down or not..... to see what i'm doing.....

I told her she did not need to do till this extend but i told her i appreciate her for doing this... In fact, i'm glad to know that she concerned about me....

But one day, good friend asked why i did not tell them about it......

I told her guiltiness.....

I told her i know they always concerned about me..... and superb proud that this group of friends are the best group i ever have..... Even though i have lousy her.... but i have good friends like them.... like her....

Am becoming like her?

This morning I went to a hike. I'm expecting nobody will not be here cause is too early. But somehow she is here, not only she is here but she also arranged other people as well. Immediately, flashback came. I saw she and he talked behind my back, laughed and ignored me. Immediately i'm having palpitation and my mood went superb down.

I have no chance to tell them that my mood is bad. Maybe saying no chance is an excuse. I guess I cannot control my mood.... I wanted to tell them but when I saw their face, my mood completely went down.

I'm tired. Hardly sleep more than 3 hours. Although eyes close whole night but I'm having the same dream again.

She came home yesterday night after she did not come home the whole night. Immediately she slept on the couch as though she is back to her depress self. Immediately I can feel my temper raised. I took deep breath few times. I feel like scolding her. But I cannot. I can imagine my dad begs me to stop. That's why I cannot scold her. But this does not stop my temper. I slammed the cupboard and door. As though I'm showing my frustration but cannot do it directly at her. I asked J whether she is available for drink. Too bad, she is not available. I knew I have to leave the house or else I'll turn like a monster.

I continue with my task by mopping the floor. Then she rolled towards on the couch and said let me help you carry the pail of water?

Immediately I cannot stop myself. I shouted at her. ' IF YOU WANT TO HELP, PLEASE GET UP AND START BE YOURSELF'. I can feel my tears are boiling up. I took a deep breath again. She wants to tell me something but I stopped her. I told her, 'PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO ME, IF YOU TALK, I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO SLAP YOU FOR BEING LIKE THIS'

Goodbye Letter to A Friend....

Dear my friend,

I guess is time for me to bid goodbye.

I am sorry. I have to give up on this friendship. I want to let you know that I tried very hard to refrain myself from making this decision.

I have tried to salvage this friendship. i told you that I am feeling insecure and I know the problem is about me letting go. I also do not know why I have problem letting go this friendship. Part of me i want to hang on to this friendship. but part of me is already too tired to hang on to it, i wish you can pull me back to this friendship. Right at the moment, I feel I am the only one holding to this friendship. But, we have this topic so many times already. And you still do not know what to do.  i am so disappointed. 

Is much easier if you cut me out from your life, at least, I can grief and cry over it and then get over it. Although I will be hurt for life but at least I move on. 

In this  friendship, I feel my role as friend is replaced. I feel I no longer your priority as friend but at the same time,  you still want me in your life, but my role is just not the same anymore. As though i am nothing to you except be a vase.

Going into grey area is difficult for me in this matter. But life is not about black and white. I tried to create a grey environment for myself. I told myself time change, people change. But instead it makes me feel better, I feel worst. 

During therapy, when she told me to let go this friendship within myself, I cried and sobbed so hard. I feel so hurt. Why I am the one that have to let go? Why can't you hold on to me? I did not stop crying for half an hour.

Looking For Support Friends - Are You There?

5 minutes ago, I had a small chat with a friend and we were having small chat about 'support' via whatsapp.

She said she is having final exam soon. I told her 'good luck' and asked her what can I do for her?

She said 'Nothing'.

I am shocked. And I asked her 'You do not even need moral support?'

My friend believes 'support' is very subjective and depends on individual.

She said 'Ultimately what people do and say may influence ur choice but it is still up to you to put effort and make the decision.'

Somehow the negative of me implied what she said is...

'You are weak, you need more support. I'm not you. I do not need support like you.'

Missing home....

I am beginning to miss everything....

I miss home...

I miss my parents...

I miss Kiki....

Most important, 

I miss myself....

Will I ever find back myself?

Losing myself to depression

When I am depressed, my perception about many things changes. Most of the time, I perceived things negatively. Is kind of not me.

I was known as 'kai xin guo' among my family members and my close friends. I always want to cheer up the scene, but not the attention seeking type, is more of just want to make everybody happy.

Few days ago, my patient told me that I am such a pleasant girl, my personality is so uplifting and motivating, so much determination and persistence in encouraging my patients to perform exercises. She is happy to have me as her therapist because I give her lots of encouragements to do her exercises. I have so much determination and persistence in me.

Ah.... Determination and Persistence.... I seriously think I am losing myself. I no longer recognize these words in myself. I equally miss the words 'drive' and 'motivation'. 'Sigh....'

My patient did not know, under this happy and confidence face, lies a depressed heart. I am hanging on there. Like a walking corpse. Dead walking around ward. Dead sitting in the meeting. Every morning, I forced myself to smile to everybody. I forced myself to look determine to motivate my patients.

Little did this patient know, this smiley face cried again this morning while on the way coming to work.

Little did this patient know, this cheerful personality girl, almost breakdown when her other patient was pouring out his sad and depress emotions because his wife left him. For a therapist, is a big 'no way'. I should not get involve into patient's life so deep emotionally and mentally. This girl is not in the right 'state of mind' anymore as a therapist.

Along the way, I kept a distance from everyone including my close friends and my family member. I only talk when necessary, I only laugh when necessary. The more I depressed, the quieter my heart become.

8 reasons why people step away from depressive people.

Today I woke up with such a blue feeling. I went to work with gloomy mood.

Yesterday night was sleepless night for me.

Why people step away from people with depression?

1) People think depressive people are faking it to get attention - Actually these depressive feeling is not FAKE... You really can wake up with gloomy mood, thinking this is the end of the world.

2) People think depressive people just desperate and want attention - If they want attention, they would not wait till they get depression and seek for it, they will seek for attention even they are not depress, they just want help and support because they know they are losing themselves.

3) People think depressive people are weak people - How do you define WEAK? Is so subjective. One person's weakness may be another person's strength. What looks like strength can really be weakness too.

4) People think depressive people's mood are contagious, it can affect other people. - Well, if is contagious, there goes the whole world, everybody will be depression. According to US, 1 out of 10 American at one point got clinical depression. You can imagine how depress this country can become if is contagious.

How My Depression Destroys My Friendship....

Is very difficult for me to write this post because I am still in denial in letting go sour friendship.

But, I think I should write a post about thing that matters to me the most.

Depression destroyed my friendship with my closest friends.These friends were one of my closest friends I ever have. Maybe is only me thinking we are close. But I guess it does not matter at this point.

Friends are my pillar of life. I depend on them like I depend on my parents. When I was young, she was never close with me. Therefore, I always go to friends as my support. They are the place where I look for refuge.

However, as I grow, some friends come and go in my life. Most of the friendship grows apart because different interest or move apart due to time. Usually I have no problems with that. However, the most painful about sour friendship is one that separates as a result of no reasons and unresolved conflict. It is still painful for me to let go friendship because of these reasons.

Blaming Game....

I start blaming myself for putting myself into depression.

I blamed myself for bringing my friends into this blaming game as well.

I blame her for not being there for me when I’m having tough time

I blame her for ignoring my messages

I blame her for not anymore messaging me as much as before

I blame her for scolding me without finding out what happened to me.

I even blame my childhood for turning myself into what am I today.

I blame my sister for choosing Jesus and my cousins over me

I blame Jesus for taking away my sister

I blame my cousins for taking away my sister as my playmates.

I blame my attitude for being possessive over friends.

I blame myself for not able to express my anger properly.

I blame myself for starting this blaming game.

Is like a vicious cycle.

So what if I start to blame myself and everybody in this world….

It did not make things better…. It only makes me worsen as a human being.

I want to stop blaming myself but I hardly cannot control this self-torture behaviour.

What should I do from now?

My Thoughts....

Today is really a bad day for me.

I cried several times. I hardly can control myself. But I also realized even after I cried, I only feel better and relieved for a moment.

Crying is just a way to relieve my symptoms but it still did not solve my problems.

I seriously need to get hold of myself. I am so worry I am losing myself.I am worry I cannot control myself anymore and go into manic attack.

My thoughts are all negative. No matter how hard to push myself to think positively, I hardly can get hold of any positive thoughts.

Although she said tried cognitive behavioral therapy first, but somehow I feel I need medications help now.

Should I or should I not?

My Childhood, My Ghost....

“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” – Marry Engelbriet.

The first rain after a long hot day gets me thinking what I want to do with my depression. 

I decided to write about it.

Some say that their past haunts them like old ghosts. As for me, my ghost is my childhood.

When I was young, I have a doll that was given by my parents. One fine day, my cousin came over to stay with us. And she cried and demanded to my doll, as someone elder sister, I was forced to give my doll to her. I did not throw tantrum. I did not cried. But I remembered, I was dead upset. I remembered I kept the grudge over this doll business for many years. I only remembered I hated this cousin of mine. But luckily, she did not stay long with us. After a period of time, I forgot about my doll.

 But little did I know, I became protective over my belongings. I got upset and angry when people take away my things. However, as myself, I never confront people. Or should I say, I do not know how to confront people. Therefore, every time I become upset, I hide. I cried alone. I scolded the person for taking away my things. In fact, I programmed my brain I do not need the things anymore even though deep down in my heart, I wanted the things so much….

Whenever my things are taken away, my reactions will be automatic. Usually I will not confront and fight my things. I will allow my things to be taken away, then I will be upset with the person who took away my things and myself for not being able to protect my things.

When my sister chose my cousins and Jesus over me, I also showed the same response. I was really in bad shape. Everyone called me grumpy girl because I was grumpy all the time. Especially when my sister was around…. I became monster….

God Needs Better Assistants....

I also find it confusing.

But I guess all this while I was staying outside. I never know the actual fact of my family is suffering because of her.

Past two years, i came back home, I witnessed and experienced what my parents and brother experienced all the time with her.

Along the years since she suffers bipolar, she did many stupid things. Few significant issues like for cheated in internet scam, she lost 40k, mingled with people from Middle East via Internet, signed multiple packages n got herself credit card debts. We kept her credit card earlier but she went to sign up again... Refused to go out n helped in the stall. Now that she is jobless...

Father is forking out saving to cover her debts...

Initial I came back home to arrange my further studies. I guess I got to abandon the idea cause I think they will not able to support me already....

Initial, my result is not good at all. I thought I wanna go private n study. But I can't cause my dad was supporting her who was in UK then. During that time, conversion rate was high. And dad's business was close down for moment. That's why I went into government college. Now I completed my 5 years service n a long distance degree but both qualifications even Singapore also not recognize. So, I thought I want to go further my master in oversea, but now I have to abandon the idea.

I know bipolar is a long life disorder, is not something she wants and is difficult for her to control, but currently I am not in a position to give her support. Because I felt frustration already. I felt is not worth to help her anymore. But I cannot portray to her that i also have this emotion or else she will feel guilty. That is why  I am keeping to myself...

Telling me not to think too much is not helping me at all. At the moment like this, I cannot help but to think especially when I need to face my sister everyday

Thanks goodness good friend is checking out on me all the time. Asked me how was my mood, pull me bad when my mood was down. Shared with me that she is also bad mood. At least I feel secure in this friendship....