This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

God Needs Better Assistants....

I also find it confusing.

But I guess all this while I was staying outside. I never know the actual fact of my family is suffering because of her.

Past two years, i came back home, I witnessed and experienced what my parents and brother experienced all the time with her.

Along the years since she suffers bipolar, she did many stupid things. Few significant issues like for cheated in internet scam, she lost 40k, mingled with people from Middle East via Internet, signed multiple packages n got herself credit card debts. We kept her credit card earlier but she went to sign up again... Refused to go out n helped in the stall. Now that she is jobless...

Father is forking out saving to cover her debts...

Initial I came back home to arrange my further studies. I guess I got to abandon the idea cause I think they will not able to support me already....

Initial, my result is not good at all. I thought I wanna go private n study. But I can't cause my dad was supporting her who was in UK then. During that time, conversion rate was high. And dad's business was close down for moment. That's why I went into government college. Now I completed my 5 years service n a long distance degree but both qualifications even Singapore also not recognize. So, I thought I want to go further my master in oversea, but now I have to abandon the idea.

I know bipolar is a long life disorder, is not something she wants and is difficult for her to control, but currently I am not in a position to give her support. Because I felt frustration already. I felt is not worth to help her anymore. But I cannot portray to her that i also have this emotion or else she will feel guilty. That is why  I am keeping to myself...

Telling me not to think too much is not helping me at all. At the moment like this, I cannot help but to think especially when I need to face my sister everyday

Thanks goodness good friend is checking out on me all the time. Asked me how was my mood, pull me bad when my mood was down. Shared with me that she is also bad mood. At least I feel secure in this friendship....

I am the CAUSE......

She insisted me to accompany her to meet her friends....

Out of sudden, She agreed to join the day care centre for a month....

That is why I agreed to join her because I want her to go to the day care centre. I feel even I cannot show my concern, at least I fulfill her request as a support...

I knew her friends; GL and SF, these two friends are her best friend since college times.

Both of them witnessed her transformation. They even witnessed her exorcism. I am grateful they are still so supportive over her but I am sure they are tired of her too as she lied lots during her manic stage.

She claimed she is out from her manic and depress stage now. That is why she wanted to clear things out now.

We met them in SF's house. It was a good choice because I cannot contained my emotions.

She explained to both of them about bipolar and claimed that many of her wrongdoings were during her manic stage.

Wrongdoings included got scammed by some guys. She got cheated RM60k. Lied around about her jobs and lifestyle. Involve in trans in temple.

She said nobody told her that she was in manic stage. Nobody talk to her over it.

She said I used the wrong ways to tell her. And it was not helping her. She said I was not supportive at all.

She said I am the CAUSE of she is not recovering....

My heart ache so much.....

I cried there.

I came back home and cried too..

I cried myself to sleep...

I told good friends. They were trying to help but my heart ache so much, I yet to feel any better....


Sunday, January 27, 2013

Kiki and Sunbathing....

Today I brought Kiki out for a run in the park nearby out house.

As usual, Kiki is superb happy and excited because it has been months since I allowed her to on loose leash.

Is already 11am. It was too hot for children to come out to play, therefor it was the right time.

It was raining few days ago and the grass is yet to be dried, in fact, it was muddy....

Kiki got herself muddy and wet...

So, I ended up bath her today... Right after her bathing, she ran around and shook herself dry.

And voila....

Enjoy herself under the sun...

She sunbathed herself now....

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Who are You to Them???

Dear Xiao xiao,

I am the other half yours.....

Why are you making yourself so pathetic, desperate and annoying?

Why are u torturing yourself with all this unnecessary emotional torture?

Why are feeling jealous over the bond they created?

Of course u are the one defeated.

You lost the closeness to one of them.

You are not anymore one of their center of attention.

You are no longer the person one of them depend on...

So, is ok if u bail one of them out.

Although you feel sad and disappointed with yourself because you no longer the interesting person and you are no longer in their priority list.

Xiao xiao,  is ok....

Take your time....

You can let them go...

They do not take you as priority, you also need to let them go. Do not prioritize them anymore.

I know you cannot do not prioritize anymore because you take of them as your sister already.

The sister you never have.

I know if you want to let go, you want to let go completely, the same way you did to her.

I know you will do that to protect yourself from getting hurt again.

But Xiao Xiao, one of them is not your sister.

They never say so...

Think about it slowly Xiao Xiao....

If you hang in to it, at least there is friendship.

If you let go, you will lost all of them.

After all, who are you to them?

Yours other half Xiao Xiao....

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Close yet Strangers.....

I know she is trying her best to bond with me.

She asked me out for movie but I declined.

She asked me out for shopping for her shoes but I declined.

As medical staff who read about bipolar, I understand about her condition and also the manifestation of the disorder. I know she is having difficult time to control her mood and herself.

I am tired. I am depressed. I am disappointed.

I am tired to be the support for her.

I am depressed and I lost my bubbly self.

I am disappointed with myself because I allowed myself to be depressed.

But at the same time, I feel guilty because I have to show her I am tired to support her anymore.

I know I am asking for too much.

I want her to be better but I cannot give her what she wants.

I know she always wants us to be close but I cannot.

Is very difficult to tell her and my parents that currently I am having my own issues to settle. And I am hanging on to it. I also have to depend on my friends for emotional support to climb up back.

As much as she is affecting me, I believe I'm affecting her as well. Thus, I called it even.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Part 4 - The girl needs help.....

In any normal circumstances, who wants to even befriend with psychopath. What some more want to be close with one? Plus who wants to mingle with moody brat like the girl.

Another thing the girl've learned is she does not own friends. And she has no control over her friends. The girl needs to change her way of thinking instead of the situation.

Right at the moment, the girl is filled with multiple emotions.

Sad because situation has changed.

Reluctant to let go of the closeness she bonded with her newly found friends.

Upset with herself for being such a pain.

Angry with herself for not able to control her distorted thoughts.

Disappointed with herself for not being able to conquer her emotions.

Clueless about the next step. Should the girl let go this friendship?

Lonely because she is doing this on her own.

Guilty towards her friends because these people are not suppose to be involved or affected because of the girl.

The girl is lost.

She knew she needs help. But not any ordinary help. The girl needs emotional help cause the girl knew what to do already. But, she feels weak and lonely to go through this alone.

But it seemed tall one, thin one and good friend did not know how to handle her. And the girl also did not know how to tell them because the girl felt ridiculous too.

One fine day, the cat city one told the girl to channel all of her yearning for help and attention from the tall one, thin one and good friend to her.

Cat city one messaged the girl 24/7 to check out of the girl...

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Part 3 - Nightmare repeating.... repeating... repeating....

The girl returned to concrete jungle. But she forgot that she will turn into bitter girl again once she steps her foot into the house. She forgot but she always knew that she and her sister cannot stay in the same house together. She forgot she will turn weak if she ever stays with her sister in the same house.

She forgot everything till recently.

The girl returned home.

She worked with a torturous empress, who scolded her every other day till the empress found that after all this girl did not deserve the scolding anymore.

Everyday she returned home and looked at the four wall.

She hated her workplace.

She did not perform her best at what she does the best as movement doctor.

She was bored and clueless.

She lost her best companion to old age.

She lost her sense of direction.

Day after day, the girl not only losing herself, she also sees her sister losing herself too.

Back in rainforest, she only listened to brother's voice of disappointment over her sister. But, now that she is back home, the girl witnessed the sister's antic. The girl experienced disappointment too. Now that she is at home, she sees how her sister turns into different person everyday. Everyday, she sees her dad walks upstairs, knocks her sister's room and asked her sister to take her medication.

Once upon a time, her sister was someone who were smart, well-loved by everybody, went to expensive school, worked in expensive country and had high pay job.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Part 2 - As time passes....

Time heals the wound, at least for temporary moment.

The girl's sister was in expensive country. Everybody is proud of her sister and amazed cause her sister was working in expensive country. But the girl was nobody because the girl had nothing.

However, the girl moved on. She found herself an opportunity to study with support from her dirty kingdom. Although her kingdom is a dirty kingdom, at least she got her free education. The girl enjoyed her free education, she met many good friends as well as many good enemies who taught her many valuable lessons.

The girl've learned no matter how close a person with another person, the another person will still backstab you by bad mouthing you when you were asleep, at least the another person thought you are asleep.

The girl've learned 'real' friend was a person who spread bad rumors about you at the same time consoled you because you were down because of the rumor.

The girl've learned the whole class will boikot you because you were close with the teachers

The girl've learned not to be so blur because it was too late to know the thruth after 5 years the in incident happened because there was nothing you can do anymore.

But the most valuable lesson she learnt during her free education is true and sincere friend will be there for you no matter what you become and where you end up and always know how to handle your moodiness. She met 'cat city' girl.

One fine day, the girl's sister caught a bug. And her sister was not well in expensive country. The bug changed her sister into another person. On and off, her sister will turn different person.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Part 1 - Bitter girl....

Once upon a time, there was a girl who has a happy family. This girl was young, bubbly and energetic. However, her existence was overshadowed by her sister all the time. This girl has a sister, who is smart, hardworking, too scorer and well-received by everyone in her family. However, the girl did not mind, instead she was happy for her sister. She was proud because her sister was her mentor, idol and sister. She had someone she can look up to as role model....

However, as the girl and the sister grew up, the sister found a new circle of 'friends' and also new God. The girl was devastated.

One fine day, the sister told the girl that her God is better than the girl's God. The girl's God is just a stone. The girl turned confused. Her sister was condemning other people religion. The girl knew something was not right. But at the same time, she was angry at her sister for being ignorance and she was sad because her sister was no longer the sister she knew.

Her sister had newly found 'friends' and the girl cannot accept her sister's new God. Slowly the girl stepped back. Thus, she grew apart from her sister. Her sister also the same. They went into different pathway.

The girl felt left out.

The girl felt neglected.

The girl felt betrayed.