" Do one thing every day that scares you" - Eleanor Roosevelt
End of this year, i decided to go to a place that is completely opposite from what i am standing now. I will lose the comfort of home, family support and Kiki. Not only the place is completely opposite from what am i having now, i will also endure all the challenges and tests all on my own. I will lose contact with everybody i know, i care and i want to keep in touch. I even risk of losing friendships with many people because i am no longer can be in touch as i was before.
Fear....
My emotions swung from clear to fear. Soon, it will turn terrifying. I know it sounded stupid. Why would i put myself in such situation? Why do i allow myself to take this step?
Because of one thing, i am more afraid to lose myself more than losing many things. For the past one year, i met many people. Some people came in to my life, left something and walked away. Some people came in to my life, left and came back, and this make me confused. Some people came in and never leave. I started to feel discomfort within myself. I started to feel myself is losing. I no longer cheerful and strong as before. I no longer hold on to certain things that i was last time. In fact, i am walking away from many things.
I felt crushed.
When we're trying something new we can feel we turn fragile and vulnerable, and any little thing can dent our confidence and stop us from making a step forward. When someone u look upon to, leave you or disagree with your decision, it feels like they do not agree or even approve your decision. And this is painful - especially when the person is someone we admire and crave for approval.
I wanted so much for their support, or even champion what i was doing. But, i was not the lucky one. Not that i did not get their support, i also feel they are distancing away from me. Naturally, i also distance myself from them.
Why did i distance myself from them?
I need to carry on, feel the pain but moving through it anyway.
I gave myself few choices.
1- Stop, retreat and return to my safe world. There will be no risk of anybody will be hurt except me. There will be no risk of feeling unlovable because i follow what everyone wants. So that everybody around is happy except me. Maybe i can act to be happy as well.
2 - Rationalize their behaviors - I meant 'What is their problems???' Is not like they are there for me during my tough times. Is not like they are going to tell the government to revamp their salary system for me. Is not like they are there for me.
3 - Carry one with my plan. Feel the fear of taking different path from others. And also the pain of being alone in this journey but keep on moving.
To be honest, choice number 1 was so tempting. Having an excuse not to be 'out there'. feeling exposed and vulnerable was very enticing. I could go back to being safe, anonymous and totally invisible. Even though i would be silently dying inside every day. But at least, i do not end up hurting anybody.
Therefore, at the end, i chose choice 3 - but with different perspective. These people are not cruel and vicious people. They react as not what i expect them because they see things from different perspective. One may worry to end up like me, that is why she walks away from me. One may worry that i end up in a hole from another hole. One may worry i will lose myself more because i will be alone there.
I cannot control how other people reacts. I cannot control people to be understanding and supportive. I only can shift my perspective towards their reactions. I realized that we're on different paths. No matter how i wish we can walk the same path. No matter how i wish they can hold on to me when i drift away. No matter how i wish things do not need to turn this way. At the end, it is just not their thing. It is my thing. It is my sense of self. I am still human. Of course it will feels great when they did not leave me alone and be supportive instead. But, that is out of my control.
My dad told me 'I am glad you are afraid, this means you are aware of your decision. I will be worry if you are not afraid means you have no insight where are you going, and that scares me.'
Inside my nest, i will feel safe and warm.
But outside the nest is alone and fear, but that is where we learn to fly
Therefore, you will feel the fear of being alone, you will feel the fear of hurting others because of your decisions and you will feel the fear of collapsing and knowing there are nobody there to pull you back. But at least, you are awake, alive and fully human.
You know your fears, which means you are fully alive....
Do not worry.... Take a step forward....
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