This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Monday, July 22, 2013

How to tackle ur loneliness?

Hike 1 - Tabur Hill - 2 1/2 hours of hike. One long rest in between.

"I am lonely,. And I am lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, i can see just how lonely i can be, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic."

I am alone....

Once again, i am alone... In this mossy forest that filled with sharp stones. Once slip, i will be history.

Yesterday, someone asked me 'Am i lonely?'. Without hesitation, i replied, 'Yes, i am'.....

They she asked a crucial question, 'Why do you think you feel lonely?'

I hesitated for few minutes.

"I feel lonely because when i tend to isolate myself, they allow me to drift away and reduce their contact times with me."

She asked " Are you afraid of being lonely or you are afraid of friends leaving you behind? "

I paused and thought awhile.

Tears streamed down my cheeks again.

I feel loneliness is a pain. Is an hollow pain which i feel completely alone and empty because there is no one to fill that hollow feeling. The hollow feeling is a result of my fear..... My fear of being alone. I am even afraid to go within my heart and allow this truth to surface that i am actually afraid to be alone. Thus, i did not allow myself to heal, instead i think myself as victim.

Fear of being lonely.....

Fear of being lonely because no friends are around me at this point of time.

I feel I am never the one will be invited in any friends' gathering.

I feel my presence is never in this circle of friends till they validated my role in their life.

Friends meant everything for me. I will do anything to keep us together. I will, if needed, compromise and sacrifice myself and my happiness, in order to have and hold onto my friends.

This is me. Xiao Xiao

This belief worsen the worst stage of my life, especially when friends reduce their contact times with me during the worst stage of my life, whether intentionally or unintentionally. 

This fear is fueled and exaggerated by certain memories that related to certain occasions that are related to these friends. My brain has been programmed, my brain told me my life is not complete unless i have these friends.

Is time for me to face my fear...


Before i allow myself to heal, i must allow myself to feel the pain of loneliness, and then i embrace it.

I hike. i sat on this rock. And this rock is very near the edge of the hill. I look down. I myself,'Is either you jump down and allow your body to smash the stones below and feel the physical pain or allow myself to feel the pain of loneliness.'

 I replay the worst scenario of loneliness. I bring out the pain of loneliness.

I took out my phone. I look at it very long time. Nobody message me. Nobody whatsapp me as usual anymore. I look at my whatsapp. These people are online. I also online. But nobody is there to connect with me. They are connecting with each other but not me. I can feel the pain. The pain of loneliness. I can feel my tears are drowning my eyes. Slowly my eyes couldn't contain the tears anymore, slowly tears streaming down my cheeks. I hardly can control my voice. I chuckles. I sobs. Is so painful. I put my forehead on both of my knees. Tears wet my shoes...... I am going to do it without anybody.

'Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to human experience. But never again use another person's body or emotions as scratching post for your own unfulfilled yearnings. ' Elizabeth Gilbert. 


When my tears stop draining out, i look up. I touched my chest. I told myself, 'Xiao xiao, this is painful. i know. Embrace this pain. It hurts. Is so hurt. Is so hurt to know that you no longer their priority. Is so hurt to face the reality that your friend shut you out from her life completely. Is so hurt that you are no longer exist in her mind , especially in the morning like last time. Is so hurt that you no longer receive 'Good Morning' anymore like last time. Is so hurt to know that you will only receive whatsapp message once a week compare to last time you receive whatsapp message every hour. Is so hurt to know is time to let go of these memories of good time that you will never have from today. Is so hurt to know that only you appreciate this friendship so much but for them, these friendship seemed nothing to them.'

I know this pain is there. I embrace it. I acknowledge this pain.

I was crying deeply because my heart is releasing the sadness, which i have been holding onto for a very long time.

'If one day you meet someone like me, a loner, no matter what she/he tells you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. it's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.'


The pain in my chest is still there. The good memories i have with my friends are still lingering in my mind.

This is what i tell myself.

"But today, i want to be the one choose to be alone. I want to be alone not because i need to be alone. When i want to be alone, i will be alone. When i want to around people, i will be around them. My time alone will be productive because i choose it to be."

I create the scenario and face the pain of loneliness. I watch myself succumb into the sadness. I cry my sadness out. And when i am done, i change the reality by telling myself that i choose to be alone with myself.
Rather than resist or delay the healing process of my wounded self.

'I am stronger than Depression and i am braver than Loneliness and nothing will exhaust me.' Elizabeth Gilbert.

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