This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Sunday, March 31, 2013

How My Depression Destroys My Friendship....

Is very difficult for me to write this post because I am still in denial in letting go sour friendship.

But, I think I should write a post about thing that matters to me the most.

Depression destroyed my friendship with my closest friends.These friends were one of my closest friends I ever have. Maybe is only me thinking we are close. But I guess it does not matter at this point.

Friends are my pillar of life. I depend on them like I depend on my parents. When I was young, she was never close with me. Therefore, I always go to friends as my support. They are the place where I look for refuge.

However, as I grow, some friends come and go in my life. Most of the friendship grows apart because different interest or move apart due to time. Usually I have no problems with that. However, the most painful about sour friendship is one that separates as a result of no reasons and unresolved conflict. It is still painful for me to let go friendship because of these reasons.

When I'm depressed, my perception into everything has changed. And this affect my life so much. It is not only affect my life, it also affects my other friends.

I became insecure, suspicious and green-eyed monster.

I became exactly like little Xiao Xiao. It was exactly when I was young, I turned into a bitter girl when the relationship between me and her turned sour. And now past is repeating. I became a bitter girl. And slowly my close friends step back from me. When I realized it, it was too late. I tried to rectify but the more i rectify, the worsen the situation become.

When I am depressed, I do not feel as connected as I normally do. Besides that, I cannot access self-love too. Therefore, I cannot feel the need to care and live for others. The more I depressed, the quieter my heart become. It is continuum.

Not only that, I misread situation, I perceive things wrongly too, and I always need assurance from friends.

All of these contribute to the damage of my friendship with my close friends.

I believe anybody will walk away from people like me. I cannot blame them because I also walk away from her..... It feels like karma.

I hate my depression. I hate when depression turns me into monster and my friends have to walk out from my life. I hate when my depression destroyed my friendship, something I depend on like I depend on my parents.

However, no matter how much negative thoughts I am having now. I believe as long the friends are there, we must hold on to it. Even there are conflicts, both parties must come out and talk it out. Therefore, I believe if can, friendship can last a lifetime.

I hope time heals heart.

I hope time will allows me to be better person.

I hope time will makes my close friends who drifted away from me to understand what am I going through now and come back to support me, so I do not need to walk this path alone....

It feels lonely now...

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