Hello.... Can You Help to Find 'Me'?

Today i read an old post by a dear Blogger named Noch Noch. Although Noch and I have never met in person before, but i believe is the big 'D' in us that brings us together even though physically we are far apart. We emailed each other when is needed. The best thing, she is now my no-pressure and no-obligation friend.

She wrote about she is still in 'suicidal' stage and is difficult for her to express because the word 'suicidal' is such a taboo word. Not only is difficult for her to share with other people, at the same this one word creates so much frustration for people around her, people who cared for her and people who knew her. For me, i have one additional burden. Not only this word burdens my family and friends, is also create tension among them. If ever i blurt that i feel 'suicidal' in front of them, they will keep telling me 'Don't think like this' or "why you think like this?'. And at the same time, for 'other friends', i am just seeking for attention.

Every day, i fight with myself on stopping myself from indulging into 'suicidal ideation'. I DO NOT HAVE SUICIDAL IDEATION. But, i do not see my purposes of living. In simple word, i lose myself to big 'D'. I succeeded brought myself out from 'D' but i lose my way. I cannot find myself. For some friends, i have turned not normal. That's why when i stop contacting them, they also stop contacting me.

While i am losing my way to find myself, i also lose many things. Is not because i purposely want to get out of my way, it just that i does not have any more energy to show myself or i do not know which part of myself to show people. The happy-wanna-be me or the 'still-in-remission me? Not only i do not know which one of me to show people, i also confused which part of me to show to whom. For people who doesn't know i am in big 'D', i probably can be the happy-wanna-be me. For people who know the vulnerable part of me. Can i show i am happy even though they know i 'still-in-remission'? Will i look fake to them?

More often than not, I wake up with the first 15 minutes of enlightenment moment before my brain filled with thoughts. And the moment the thoughts congest my brain, my heart begins to feel heavy. I enjoy the first 15 minutes of my awake time. Then the rest of the day, I feel heavy and weak. Nothing make me more tired when i consciously have to put the thoughts ' I am not good enough that is why my 'other friends' left me' or 'Now, i am the out-cast one because i am the weird one' or 'i am losing my role as good friend to a friend who matters to me to someone else' out of my head. Every day, every hour, every minute and every second, i am dueling inside my head. Nothing makes it more difficult to do when all these illusions turn reality right in front of my eyes.

Very tiring....

So i make sure i go to work. I try to make myself busy. If i am lucky, i would have one friend who does not mind of me being whatever i want, ask me out for a movie or drink after work. Or else, i will go home. Kiki will be there for me. I will be quiet. But inside my brain is not quiet. I start thinking about everything. About big 'D' in me. About my next stint in Taif. About my 'other friends'. About the happiest time i have with 'other friends'. About if i never have big 'D' will things turn differently between me and 'other friends'. My heart begins to ache, and slowly tears drown my eyes and streamed down my cheeks. And the end, i cry to myself again.

What a pathetic life i have now.......

(I am sure the 'other friends' are laughing at me now too.... They are happily drinking somewhere; i am crying myself to sleep every night....)

So many times i sat on my couch and then i started to think ; Am i that useless? My patients are happy with me. I am going to earn more money. I am going to fulfill my wish to 'tour around Europe'. Kiki is going to miss me. Nobody will be there to train her to be the best dog in the world. Nobody is going to bring her to hiking anymore. Then i think. "well, all that won't matter anyways whether i am here or not, Kiki will adapt, friends will move on their life, patients will still improve without me. And even the 'other friends' had moved on even i am here. My existence to them has lost. I am nobody to them anymore. 

But i guess that's life.... 

Hello,

Are you there?

I am looking for myself.

Can you Help Me to find myself back?

Xiao Xiao....