Your Brain is Torturing You....

We are a fool…. Our brain operates on neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters can come in form of adrenaline which give us the fight and flee reaction, dopamine which controls our coordination and body movement and even serotonin which controls our moods. 

Depression = Decrease Serotonin.

And what happened when you have depression, when we are in high stress level, our brain uses more serotonin hormone, and before our brain can replaces the used-serotonin, we force ourselves to function as norm as possible. Our brain never stops working. Even though we can sleep at night, but our brain works. And our brain works really fast. It gives you weird imagination and also wrong impressions. The point is depression makes you make lousy decision. It gives us nightmares, it wakes you up at wee hours, normally at around 4.00am. It makes you tired during day time despite you sleep 10 hours per day. It makes you feel insecure. You will lose confident in yourself. It makes you forgetful and scatterbrain at home and at work too.

But, i think the most difficult thing for me to handle is my brain turns against me. My mind constantly dig into my memory and pick the worst memory it can finds - my restrained childhood relationship, the low self-esteem keeps telling you that you will never find happiness, the critical inner child that keeps telling you that you are not good enough or even the troublemaker you keeps sounding that you are a burden to people surround you.

Your brain is torturing you….

And it always follow you….

Every time your mind begins to pick up with the world, your brain brings along this ‘garbage truck’. Your past can create new ideas/thoughts to torture you. Anybody who unluckily struck by this depression spell will always received the same ‘garbage truck’ in the mind. It will keep repeats till one day you think the only way to stop it is kill yourself. Believe me, i have been there. This spell is indeed a scary spell. And you will find yourself falls into the spell easily because you are tired to fight against it. You will be physically tired because you do not get the right sleep at night, and you will be mentally tired because your mind will keep repeating the same scenarios over and over again. 

Your brain will tell you:

- your friends will leave you once they know you have depression.

- you are a burden to your family and friends.

- you are going crazy and there is nowhere out except you stuck in your brain like this forever.

- you would be better off dead.

- you should probably jump off from this cliff.

Your brain is like a ‘video tape’ now. It will keep rewinds your worst stages of life. Your friends left you because you have depression. Your friends back mouthed you and said crazy psychopath. Frequent if not constant thoughts and preoccupations about past problems and issues is a sign of depression.

Hello.... Can You Help to Find 'Me'?

Today i read an old post by a dear Blogger named Noch Noch. Although Noch and I have never met in person before, but i believe is the big 'D' in us that brings us together even though physically we are far apart. We emailed each other when is needed. The best thing, she is now my no-pressure and no-obligation friend.

She wrote about she is still in 'suicidal' stage and is difficult for her to express because the word 'suicidal' is such a taboo word. Not only is difficult for her to share with other people, at the same this one word creates so much frustration for people around her, people who cared for her and people who knew her. For me, i have one additional burden. Not only this word burdens my family and friends, is also create tension among them. If ever i blurt that i feel 'suicidal' in front of them, they will keep telling me 'Don't think like this' or "why you think like this?'. And at the same time, for 'other friends', i am just seeking for attention.

Every day, i fight with myself on stopping myself from indulging into 'suicidal ideation'. I DO NOT HAVE SUICIDAL IDEATION. But, i do not see my purposes of living. In simple word, i lose myself to big 'D'. I succeeded brought myself out from 'D' but i lose my way. I cannot find myself. For some friends, i have turned not normal. That's why when i stop contacting them, they also stop contacting me.

Friendship…..

Friendship is one of the most important elements of a happy life - but it can be tough to make new friends and tougher to maintain a true friendship.

The myth of the BFF can be tough to live up to. In Friends, you can see how supportive these 6 people with different characters, unrealistically maintain a long lasting friendships. But in reality, the myth is still a myth. Close friendships that crumble is very painful to watch even on-screen because it is so familiar for all of us. 

My close friends and I had been friends a year plus, and then, one fine day, nothing. I succumbed into big 'D'. On bad days, I turned quiet and isolated myself. On good days, i am ready to be connected but i shy away because i know these people will stopped returning my calls and messages. Although, deep down, i hope they won't give up on me. I hope they can continue be my source of inspiration just like those days. I hope we can still be continue be friends despite me not being myself. But in reality, months passed and i know my close friends had stopped being my close friends. Had, in fact, stop being my friend altogether. And the only reason i know is me being in big 'D'. 

Out of sudden, there was this silence…..

Paying It Forward - Is it worth?

What do you most value in your friends?

Their continued existence.” 

― Christopher Hitchens, Hitch

Every time i am down, i become more depressed. And then my soul dies a little.

Have i been feeling down till i woke up there is this heavy little weight in my chest? 

Yes, i have. 

And it seems kind of norm for women with PMS.

Sometimes i wish someone use a knife and cut my chest and take out the heart and take away the heaviness from me so that i feel a little light. 

Down and depression are normal emotions if it happened once in a while, but it's how we handle this emotions and how our friends response to this 'unusual-not-so-happy' side of me i find it intriguing.

I've had massive frequency of downs and depressed moments for the past two years. And how 'friends' react to this so-called-negative sides of me has always give me a wake-up call. 

"Hello, are these 'friends' ok with you being down?"

Reality check. Ta Da!!!

"Not everybody will be 'ok' with you for being sulking 24/7"

How to tackle ur loneliness?

Hike 1 - Tabur Hill - 2 1/2 hours of hike. One long rest in between.

"I am lonely,. And I am lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, i can see just how lonely i can be, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic."

I am alone....

Once again, i am alone... In this mossy forest that filled with sharp stones. Once slip, i will be history.

Yesterday, someone asked me 'Am i lonely?'. Without hesitation, i replied, 'Yes, i am'.....

They she asked a crucial question, 'Why do you think you feel lonely?'

I hesitated for few minutes.

"I feel lonely because when i tend to isolate myself, they allow me to drift away and reduce their contact times with me."

She asked " Are you afraid of being lonely or you are afraid of friends leaving you behind? "

I paused and thought awhile.

Tears streamed down my cheeks again.

I feel loneliness is a pain. Is an hollow pain which i feel completely alone and empty because there is no one to fill that hollow feeling. The hollow feeling is a result of my fear..... My fear of being alone. I am even afraid to go within my heart and allow this truth to surface that i am actually afraid to be alone. Thus, i did not allow myself to heal, instead i think myself as victim.

Fear of being lonely.....

You are Fully Alive when You Know Fear....

" Do one thing every day that scares you" - Eleanor Roosevelt

End of this year, i decided to go to a place that is completely opposite from what i am standing now. I will lose the comfort of home, family support and Kiki. Not only the place is completely opposite from what am i having now, i will also endure all the challenges and tests all on my own. I will lose contact with everybody i know, i care and i want to keep in touch. I even risk of losing friendships with many people because i am no longer can be in touch as i was before.

Fear....

My emotions swung from clear to fear. Soon, it will turn terrifying. I know it sounded stupid. Why would i put myself in such situation? Why do i allow myself to take this step?

Because of one thing, i am more afraid to lose myself more than losing many things. For the past one year, i met many people. Some people came in to my life, left something and walked away. Some people came in to my life, left and came back, and this make me confused. Some people came in and never leave. I started to feel discomfort within myself. I started to feel myself is losing. I no longer cheerful and strong as before. I no longer hold on to certain things that i was last time. In fact, i am walking away from many things.

I felt crushed.

I Am Not Where I Thought I Would Be….

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world” – Mahatma Ghandi

When I left Ipoh, I thought KL would be the place that allow me to expand myself further. I was in my comfort zone, right after I graduated from my long distance degree. I passed with flying colors – it was second upper class –. Not too bad for lazy slog like me…..

I envisioned myself enroll in the Pilates for rehabilitation courses, that allowed me to travel to Singapore monthly and also perform my daily routines of practicing Pilates, which I cannot get in Ipoh.

I can see myself learning from all the seniors in whenever hospital I will posted to.

I can see myself spending more times with Kingkong, which I miss out when I was in Ipoh for 4 years.

However, things did not fall on places as I expected. Kingkong passed away within months I returned to KL. I did not enroll the Pilates courses because the price is too expensive. Family problems come in picture. Lifestyle in KL was too hectic for me. I ended up with dry skin and pimples all over my face. Little did I know, inside me, I was not happy and struggle within myself. And slowly, I lose myself.

But God is kind to me.

Blaming Game....

I start blaming myself for putting myself into depression.

I blamed myself for bringing my friends into this blaming game as well.

I blame her for not being there for me when I’m having tough time

I blame her for ignoring my messages

I blame her for not anymore messaging me as much as before

I blame her for scolding me without finding out what happened to me.

I even blame my childhood for turning myself into what am I today.

I blame my sister for choosing Jesus and my cousins over me

I blame Jesus for taking away my sister

I blame my cousins for taking away my sister as my playmates.

I blame my attitude for being possessive over friends.

I blame myself for not able to express my anger properly.

I blame myself for starting this blaming game.

Is like a vicious cycle.

So what if I start to blame myself and everybody in this world….

It did not make things better…. It only makes me worsen as a human being.

I want to stop blaming myself but I hardly cannot control this self-torture behaviour.

What should I do from now?

My Thoughts....

Today is really a bad day for me.

I cried several times. I hardly can control myself. But I also realized even after I cried, I only feel better and relieved for a moment.

Crying is just a way to relieve my symptoms but it still did not solve my problems.

I seriously need to get hold of myself. I am so worry I am losing myself.I am worry I cannot control myself anymore and go into manic attack.

My thoughts are all negative. No matter how hard to push myself to think positively, I hardly can get hold of any positive thoughts.

Although she said tried cognitive behavioral therapy first, but somehow I feel I need medications help now.

Should I or should I not?

I am the CAUSE......

She insisted me to accompany her to meet her friends....

Out of sudden, She agreed to join the day care centre for a month....

That is why I agreed to join her because I want her to go to the day care centre. I feel even I cannot show my concern, at least I fulfill her request as a support...

I knew her friends; GL and SF, these two friends are her best friend since college times.

Both of them witnessed her transformation. They even witnessed her exorcism. I am grateful they are still so supportive over her but I am sure they are tired of her too as she lied lots during her manic stage.

She claimed she is out from her manic and depress stage now. That is why she wanted to clear things out now.

We met them in SF's house. It was a good choice because I cannot contained my emotions.

She explained to both of them about bipolar and claimed that many of her wrongdoings were during her manic stage.

Wrongdoings included got scammed by some guys. She got cheated RM60k. Lied around about her jobs and lifestyle. Involve in trans in temple.

She said nobody told her that she was in manic stage. Nobody talk to her over it.

She said I used the wrong ways to tell her. And it was not helping her. She said I was not supportive at all.

She said I am the CAUSE of she is not recovering....

My heart ache so much.....

I cried there.

I came back home and cried too..

I cried myself to sleep...

I told good friends. They were trying to help but my heart ache so much, I yet to feel any better....

😢😢😢

Part 4 - The girl needs help.....

In any normal circumstances, who wants to even befriend with psychopath. What some more want to be close with one? Plus who wants to mingle with moody brat like the girl.

Another thing the girl've learned is she does not own friends. And she has no control over her friends. The girl needs to change her way of thinking instead of the situation.

Right at the moment, the girl is filled with multiple emotions.

Sad because situation has changed.

Reluctant to let go of the closeness she bonded with her newly found friends.

Upset with herself for being such a pain.

Angry with herself for not able to control her distorted thoughts.

Disappointed with herself for not being able to conquer her emotions.

Clueless about the next step. Should the girl let go this friendship?

Lonely because she is doing this on her own.

Guilty towards her friends because these people are not suppose to be involved or affected because of the girl.

The girl is lost.

She knew she needs help. But not any ordinary help. The girl needs emotional help cause the girl knew what to do already. But, she feels weak and lonely to go through this alone.

But it seemed tall one, thin one and good friend did not know how to handle her. And the girl also did not know how to tell them because the girl felt ridiculous too.

One fine day, the cat city one told the girl to channel all of her yearning for help and attention from the tall one, thin one and good friend to her.

Cat city one messaged the girl 24/7 to check out of the girl...