I Am Not Where I Thought I Would Be….

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world” – Mahatma Ghandi

When I left Ipoh, I thought KL would be the place that allow me to expand myself further. I was in my comfort zone, right after I graduated from my long distance degree. I passed with flying colors – it was second upper class –. Not too bad for lazy slog like me…..

I envisioned myself enroll in the Pilates for rehabilitation courses, that allowed me to travel to Singapore monthly and also perform my daily routines of practicing Pilates, which I cannot get in Ipoh.

I can see myself learning from all the seniors in whenever hospital I will posted to.

I can see myself spending more times with Kingkong, which I miss out when I was in Ipoh for 4 years.

However, things did not fall on places as I expected. Kingkong passed away within months I returned to KL. I did not enroll the Pilates courses because the price is too expensive. Family problems come in picture. Lifestyle in KL was too hectic for me. I ended up with dry skin and pimples all over my face. Little did I know, inside me, I was not happy and struggle within myself. And slowly, I lose myself.

But God is kind to me.

Although I was alone and not happy with my life in KL, I met great friends. These friends make my life without Kingkong easier and makes me rethink about my future. That’s when I thought about my master and working outside Malaysia.

But God is only kind to me few months….. For once, a friend told me ‘God needs better assistant.’ I agreed.

Something happened and I completely lost myself. This lesson is so difficult for me that I hardly can become my old self. I hardly can hold on to my previous principles of being good friends anymore. Not only I cannot find myself, my role was replaced by people. Slowly people walk away from me. 

The moment people walk away from me, it gives me a reality check that life is not as naive as I thought. People may not be nice to you just because you are nice to them. People may not be there for you during tough times just because you are there for them. People are people. They need to protect themselves. If you are bringing them down, the first thing they need to do is to make sure they are not down together with you. So, they walk away from you. Whether they do it in sudden or slowly….. The action still hurts me even though I understand the situation.

This situation shouted at me and told me maybe I am not in a place which I thought I would be……

Therefore, I asked myself few questions.

1. IS IT REALLY AS BAD AS IT APPEARS TO BE?

Are you progressing well with your current job? Are you happy with your current job? Are you in your comfort zone? If you are a senior, do your juniors look up to you as the person who they can approach. If not, maybe is time for you to consider the next destination.  You may want to ask whether the next destination is as bad as what other people or media described? if the next destination is bad, what is your safety net? Do you have anybody you can depend on?

I may not turn back times. But is these friends worth to have again? Do they want you back into your life anymore? What would happen if they return to your life? Can you pretend things will still be the same as before? Or will the friendship becomes stronger because it went through all the tough times?

2. ARE YOU PUTTING UNNECESSARY PRESSURE ON YOURSELF?

Whether you’re recovering from an illness or starting to plan to leave your current comfort zone, it can be very terrifying and I often feel like I will never going to get there. Therefore, I always remember to give myself a break and be kind to myself. I always tell myself other people even your closest friend can scold you ‘celaka psy’, left you at the lowest point, take you as attention seeker or even slowly walk away from you, but I cannot allow myself do that to myself.

Take time to step back and look at what you’ve achieved, even is tiny things. Give yourself a pat on your back, and tell yourself ‘Good job’. If something is worth a try, it’s worth taking time over and really pace yourself. A bit of patience and a sprinkle of hope, and you will get there someday.

3. WHOSE EXPECTATIONS ARE YOU FIGHTING WITH – YOURS OR SOMEONE ELSE’S?

As much as I wanted to blame people who left me at the lowest point, friend that replaced my role in another friend’s life, friend that stop trying to hold on to our friendship when I feel like letting go, and government that gave me lousy salary despite how much I like Malaysia’s weather and foods, I realized is expectations I’d place on myself were incredible. These expectations were energy zapping and pulled me down. No matter how difficult, everyday I try my best to let it go….. I am still in the midst of releasing it.

4. WHAT CAN YOU LEARN FROM THE SITUATION?

As much as this sounded so cliché, I am learning to embrace these words.

‘Everything happens for a reason’

I forgot those words for quite a long time….

Now, the biggest lesson for me was learning to accept myself as who I am now. I learned that my talents and skills are unique that at the end of the day, people want and remember you for who are you, not for what job you are doing.

5. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU COULD DO TODAY TO MOVE YOURSELF CLOSER TO YOUR IDEAL LIFE?

There is no time like the present. Take baby steps. Your dream life is just waiting for you to run toward them with open arms. 

All you have to do is say yes.

Stop sabotage yourself with all the demoralise words.

Stop telling yourself you have nowhere to go.

Stop punishing yourself even though u want to do it so badly.