Goodbye Letter to A Friend....

Dear my friend,

I guess is time for me to bid goodbye.

I am sorry. I have to give up on this friendship. I want to let you know that I tried very hard to refrain myself from making this decision.

I have tried to salvage this friendship. i told you that I am feeling insecure and I know the problem is about me letting go. I also do not know why I have problem letting go this friendship. Part of me i want to hang on to this friendship. but part of me is already too tired to hang on to it, i wish you can pull me back to this friendship. Right at the moment, I feel I am the only one holding to this friendship. But, we have this topic so many times already. And you still do not know what to do.  i am so disappointed. 

Is much easier if you cut me out from your life, at least, I can grief and cry over it and then get over it. Although I will be hurt for life but at least I move on. 

In this  friendship, I feel my role as friend is replaced. I feel I no longer your priority as friend but at the same time,  you still want me in your life, but my role is just not the same anymore. As though i am nothing to you except be a vase.

Going into grey area is difficult for me in this matter. But life is not about black and white. I tried to create a grey environment for myself. I told myself time change, people change. But instead it makes me feel better, I feel worst. 

During therapy, when she told me to let go this friendship within myself, I cried and sobbed so hard. I feel so hurt. Why I am the one that have to let go? Why can't you hold on to me? I did not stop crying for half an hour.


This friendship is making me more depressed. I hardly can move on. And I hardly can tell anyone about this because it does not make sense why I am feeling this way. 

I feel like I went back to kindergarten, I am jealous over my friends' new friend. But as I outgrow myself so much, I no longer act like a child anymore. I do not know how to act like a child when friends neglected me, but as a child, I will throw tantrum and cry and get over it and find new friends. I wish I able to do that. But as an adult, we keep telling ourselves we should act like adult. Now, I act like an adult. I am upset that you replaced me with other friends and left me hanging here alone. I told you several times how I felt. You do not know what to do, therefore, u just kept quiet over it. And this happened several times. At the end, I kept to myself. I am upset. I kept to myself. I felt lonely. I kept to myself. I felt betrayed. I kept to myself. When I cannot take anymore, I cried to myself. Several times, I fall on my knees, hands cover my face, eyes drown with my tears. Voice stuttered. Sob getting louder.

You told me to come to you when I need an ear to listen. I do not know how to tell you that I am upset because you never ask me out for a movie. I do not how to tell you that I am upset because you did not wish me luck for my job interview. I do not know how to tell you that I am disappointed that you only ask me whether I go to the gathering instead you can ask me whether I want to go with you. I do not know how to tell you that i felt lonely because you allow me to isolate myself. I am sad because my existence seem so transparent to you. 

Many people told me life changes therefore human changes too. But I have been asking myself why our friendship changes? Is it because my depression? I guess if is my depression, I guess I have to shut my mouth from now. I never leave a friend at their worst stage of their life, I also wish my friend will not do that to me. 

Goodbye, my friend.

I know I should not hang on to you anymore. I hope ur life will be much better off without me.

Xiao Xiao