This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Monday, May 6, 2013

Goodbye Letter to A Friend....

Dear my friend,

I guess is time for me to bid goodbye.

I am sorry. I have to give up on this friendship. I want to let you know that I tried very hard to refrain myself from making this decision.

I have tried to salvage this friendship. i told you that I am feeling insecure and I know the problem is about me letting go. I also do not know why I have problem letting go this friendship. Part of me i want to hang on to this friendship. but part of me is already too tired to hang on to it, i wish you can pull me back to this friendship. Right at the moment, I feel I am the only one holding to this friendship. But, we have this topic so many times already. And you still do not know what to do.  i am so disappointed. 

Is much easier if you cut me out from your life, at least, I can grief and cry over it and then get over it. Although I will be hurt for life but at least I move on. 

In this  friendship, I feel my role as friend is replaced. I feel I no longer your priority as friend but at the same time,  you still want me in your life, but my role is just not the same anymore. As though i am nothing to you except be a vase.

Going into grey area is difficult for me in this matter. But life is not about black and white. I tried to create a grey environment for myself. I told myself time change, people change. But instead it makes me feel better, I feel worst. 

During therapy, when she told me to let go this friendship within myself, I cried and sobbed so hard. I feel so hurt. Why I am the one that have to let go? Why can't you hold on to me? I did not stop crying for half an hour.

This friendship is making me more depressed. I hardly can move on. And I hardly can tell anyone about this because it does not make sense why I am feeling this way. 

I feel like I went back to kindergarten, I am jealous over my friends' new friend. But as I outgrow myself so much, I no longer act like a child anymore. I do not know how to act like a child when friends neglected me, but as a child, I will throw tantrum and cry and get over it and find new friends. I wish I able to do that. But as an adult, we keep telling ourselves we should act like adult. Now, I act like an adult. I am upset that you replaced me with other friends and left me hanging here alone. I told you several times how I felt. You do not know what to do, therefore, u just kept quiet over it. And this happened several times. At the end, I kept to myself. I am upset. I kept to myself. I felt lonely. I kept to myself. I felt betrayed. I kept to myself. When I cannot take anymore, I cried to myself. Several times, I fall on my knees, hands cover my face, eyes drown with my tears. Voice stuttered. Sob getting louder.

You told me to come to you when I need an ear to listen. I do not know how to tell you that I am upset because you never ask me out for a movie. I do not how to tell you that I am upset because you did not wish me luck for my job interview. I do not know how to tell you that I am disappointed that you only ask me whether I go to the gathering instead you can ask me whether I want to go with you. I do not know how to tell you that i felt lonely because you allow me to isolate myself. I am sad because my existence seem so transparent to you. 

Many people told me life changes therefore human changes too. But I have been asking myself why our friendship changes? Is it because my depression? I guess if is my depression, I guess I have to shut my mouth from now. I never leave a friend at their worst stage of their life, I also wish my friend will not do that to me. 

Goodbye, my friend.

I know I should not hang on to you anymore. I hope ur life will be much better off without me.

Xiao Xiao 

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