This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Friendship - Really Want To Say Good Bye

"Tears are forming in my eyes as i look into the sky. Just by looking, the memories flow. A day without you is painful. The longing rises. Love is crying and being scattered in the wind. My tears, my sad memories, my love whom i miss i always draw you out from the sky, yes i live in pain like this. Again today i live in pain."
Xiao Xiao

I am already out of Facebook world for almost half a year. And to tell the truth, sometimes i missed the connection with friends using Facebook. Sometimes i just want to know what is the latest thing they are up to. Sometimes i just want to know what is their latest status. And sometimes i just want to know how they are doing. Are they fine?

But i chose to stay out from it. Facebook is one of the world that i cannot return already. I feel all my sadness comes pouring in to my face. Knowing that they are fine while i am still tendering my broken heart makes me feel pathetic. Knowing they are doing as great as before without my presence is like adding salt to my wound. The feeling is painful and deep. Knowing that they are having fun during New Year. Knowing that my family members will be having family gathering without my presence will drag me more to depression.

There are a million reasons why a friendship may change over time. You grow older, relocate to another country for career sake, and sometimes start having your own family. Single girl like me will be like an extra in their new life. Is a fact that is normal that growing apart from old friends becomes part of our lives. I found myself feeling disconnected, and discovering that my best friends did not really know me at all. Our passions were no longer the same.

Sometimes i found myself telling myself to wait for a while. "Maybe it's just me," I thought. I tell myself maybe i need to try harder, initiate to message, whatsapp more or maybe write an lengthy email. I did. I wrote letters before i leave. I left presents for everyone of them before i leave because i knew days like this will come. My best friend, who had known me longer than anyone else, is no longer the same person i knew. We grown apart. And knowing this fact, i know my heart is aching and i can feel incredibly sad.

Is difficult for me to accept the fact that i am living my life now without the bond we had together. Sometimes at night, i woke up with anxiety, knowing myself that i need to let go this friendship but part of me refused to left go. And i cannot believe that i am letting this happen to my friendship.

One day, a friend sent me this....

And then, another friend said

"Take what you need, take what you can, and forgive the rest"

Thursday, January 23, 2014

It tastes like a cup of espresso.....

It tastes like a cup of espresso.....

The bitter sweetness and sourness that linger in your taste bud. Is exactly similar as the taste of reality in life.

It also leaves the deep, smooth aftertaste of happiness in every trouble life.

The aromatic smell that lingers in the room, reminds the presence of life even though the cup is empty, it fathoms the meaning of life even though there is nothing there.

Same cup of espresso but gives me different meanings at different stage of my life.

It tastes bitter when i am alone and sadness came rushing into me. Different flashbacks of sadness and despair add to the heaviness of broken heart.

It tastes sourish when life gives you a big blow, at the worst stage of your life. Sometimes it tastes so sour till you forgot what is sweetness anymore.

It tastes sweet when life turns milder than you expecting.

I sat on my working desk, with a cup of espresso next to me. The aroma fills my room slowly. Even though is just a cup, it reminds you the presence of it. Just like my depression, even though i am feeling so much better now, but somehow, someday and sometimes, the feeling of heaviness in your heart pops out of nowhere to remind you that life is difficult and lonely.

Friday, January 17, 2014

"WELCOME" to foreign land... IS REALLY SUCKS....

For the first time, i felt that this is the bad incident that i experienced in foreign place.

I am already got used to the black cloak and headscarf and difficulty for women to travel alone in this foreign place. There is always a need for you to find a group of friends as companion, supportive and also advisors.

But, what happened to me is really unbelievable. For the first time, i feel like i want to cry because i find it difficult to live in this foreign place.

As a foreigner that works in the foreign place, is very important for me  to speed up the process for my working permit aka iqama. However, before the process of iqama, is important for me to receive an confirmation from the Council as an acknowledgement that i am a qualified healthcare worker. Therefore, besides filling up import ants documents, we need to send our documents to the council to verify the authentication of my qualifications from my home town. Not only that, i need to take an professional exam under an independent company.

After i verified my documents with the council, i submitted all the important documents to the clerk in the office. By the way, this clerk is one sweet lady who is superbly helpful who, speeds up the process of my application.  Thank you, Ms M. After three weeks, i received good news from her that the council gave me the eligibility number to proceed with my professional exam with the independent company. Therefore, without delay, i proceed with my application via online. During the application, i chose the independent company that i want to do my exam, but one mistake i made is, i chose the MALE section.

Therefore, today when i arrived 2 hours before my exam, the company refused to let me enter the exam hall because i am a female. And thank goodness, my driver is very helpful. He asked the company employee where should i take the exam then, he said is in another building. Then i asked the employee, i am eligible to take the exam there despite my address is here. He said yes. My driver asked the direction from the employee. And the kind driver detour to send me to the female section.

However, bad news came.