This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Letter to the Myself, The depressive one....

Hello myself,

I think is about time i sent you this mail and as a reminder you some of the thoughts that you are going through now. i hope this letter will be a wake up notice to you if you ever succumb into another depression moment again, is not that i am cursing you but you never know what will happened to you in future, just like what happened to you now. Nobody would have guess you, the jovial and positive minded Xiao Xiao, diagnosed with moderate depression. Worse, the people you are hoping for support, left you there alone....

Do not worry Xiao Xiao, take your time to build your strength. One day, you will be stronger than today.

I know you are going through hard times. Your name is not up in the interview list for promotion. Your boss makes you her scapegoat. The administrator thinks you are nobody during meeting. Your specialist is giving you hard times. Your patient's progression is very slow. You are diagnosed with moderate depression. You need medication to make yourself sleep. Your friends stepped away from you because of your moods. They think you are contagious. Your sister is bipolar sufferer. You have bad childhood. Your sister push you away when you wanted to be with her. You become insecure and perceived things wrongly. You are losing yourself. You miss your old self.

Most of the times, you feel the life is crashing down on you, choking you, trashing you, and stabbing your heart. Then it buries you in the deep rubble and debris of life. Then left you there hanging here alone at the brink of break down.

I know it hurts!!!!

But girl, always remember you are not alone. There is always ME.... I'm there for you....

Do not forget, the worst time has passed. You just make yourself stand up with your own help, although the path is difficult, sad and pathetic. But never mind girl.... Somehow you will find the strength, whether from yourself, from Kiki even without anybody there for you....

You can begin your path by taking care of yourself. Make sure you eat and sleep enough. Make sure you stop self-purging anymore. Always find strength to resist that moment. Then, eat 3 proper meals a day. Sleep early and wake up early.

Is time for you to rediscover yourself.

Is time to explore yourself.

Is time to spend for yourself.

You do not need to be considerate for others anymore.

First thing you need to do is maintain what have you begun.

Even though, every morning you wake up with heart ache and flashbacks of your unhappiness, don't worry Xiao Xiao.... Embrace the heart ache, face the flashback and smile. Tell yourself you will be fine and smile.

Don't worry. I am here....

We will go through this together. Rest when need but don't give up.

Some people are not meant to be there for you. If they are meant to help you, they will be there for you, even though you never ask for it. They will pull you back when they see you drift apart. They will check it out on you, even though you look fine. If they step away from you, if they talk behind your back, if they call you 'celaka psy', you have have right to feel hurt but Xiao Xiao, these people are not your safety net, do not expect anything from them. Not even a word of 'hello'. Stop all your miracle thinking. Even they are not ok, they will not look for you because you also seemed not ok to them.

So Xiao Xiao. Be OK. Is ok..... Smile....

These people are not by your side. I will be. Although, me alone is not a strong safety net, I also not confident whether I can support you how long before I break. But think of it, at least got me.

I know you feel 'lost' and confused. Remained hopeful.

Treat yourself well. Eat well. Sleep well.


Xiao Xiao....

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