Losing myself to depression

When I am depressed, my perception about many things changes. Most of the time, I perceived things negatively. Is kind of not me.

I was known as 'kai xin guo' among my family members and my close friends. I always want to cheer up the scene, but not the attention seeking type, is more of just want to make everybody happy.

Few days ago, my patient told me that I am such a pleasant girl, my personality is so uplifting and motivating, so much determination and persistence in encouraging my patients to perform exercises. She is happy to have me as her therapist because I give her lots of encouragements to do her exercises. I have so much determination and persistence in me.

Ah.... Determination and Persistence.... I seriously think I am losing myself. I no longer recognize these words in myself. I equally miss the words 'drive' and 'motivation'. 'Sigh....'

My patient did not know, under this happy and confidence face, lies a depressed heart. I am hanging on there. Like a walking corpse. Dead walking around ward. Dead sitting in the meeting. Every morning, I forced myself to smile to everybody. I forced myself to look determine to motivate my patients.

Little did this patient know, this smiley face cried again this morning while on the way coming to work.

Little did this patient know, this cheerful personality girl, almost breakdown when her other patient was pouring out his sad and depress emotions because his wife left him. For a therapist, is a big 'no way'. I should not get involve into patient's life so deep emotionally and mentally. This girl is not in the right 'state of mind' anymore as a therapist.

Along the way, I kept a distance from everyone including my close friends and my family member. I only talk when necessary, I only laugh when necessary. The more I depressed, the quieter my heart become.


I kept a distance away because when I depressed, I do not understand what happened. I tend to listen to my depressed heart and this can cause havoc. Which is true. Havoc happened to me all the time every time I listened to my depressed heart.

I make wrong judgement. I always need to ask again and over again in case i make wrong assumption. i crave for assurance from close ones. I become insecure.

In fact, i have a close friend got so annoyed with me. The friend told me to stay away from her. My mood must be contagious enough till it affected her. For her, i probably sounded pathetic and desperate.

I know I have been writing this issue repeatedly in other posts because this incident still deeply hurt me despite I understand.

Losing myself to depression is not something I want.

Do you understand that?