“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” – Marry Engelbriet.
The first rain after a long hot day gets me thinking what I want to do with my depression.
I decided to write about it.
Some say that their past haunts them like old ghosts. As for me, my ghost is my childhood.
When I was young, I have a doll that was given by my parents. One fine day, my cousin came over to stay with us. And she cried and demanded to my doll, as someone elder sister, I was forced to give my doll to her. I did not throw tantrum. I did not cried. But I remembered, I was dead upset. I remembered I kept the grudge over this doll business for many years. I only remembered I hated this cousin of mine. But luckily, she did not stay long with us. After a period of time, I forgot about my doll.
But little did I know, I became protective over my belongings. I got upset and angry when people take away my things. However, as myself, I never confront people. Or should I say, I do not know how to confront people. Therefore, every time I become upset, I hide. I cried alone. I scolded the person for taking away my things. In fact, I programmed my brain I do not need the things anymore even though deep down in my heart, I wanted the things so much….
Whenever my things are taken away, my reactions will be automatic. Usually I will not confront and fight my things. I will allow my things to be taken away, then I will be upset with the person who took away my things and myself for not being able to protect my things.
When my sister chose my cousins and Jesus over me, I also showed the same response. I was really in bad shape. Everyone called me grumpy girl because I was grumpy all the time. Especially when my sister was around…. I became monster….
As I grew older, I started to drift away from her. For me it does not make any different to have her in my life or not. But little did I know, blood is thicker than water, I cannot get rid of her completely. She needs help. I did not walk away from her completely, but I just did not help her with my whole heart.
Even till today, I felt like I was thrown to the side and unwanted. I thought it was a contributing factor to why I ended up the way I am.
Sometimes bitterness clings on even when you know you should let it go….
Currently, I am still learning to let go.
I have to admit that I am still hoping to change the past. But I know there is no such thing.
Therefore, I am learning to accept my past.
And I want to prove to myself that I am worth.
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