This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Paying It Forward - Is it worth?

What do you most value in your friends?
Their continued existence.” 
― Christopher Hitchens, Hitch

Every time i am down, i become more depressed. And then my soul dies a little.
Have i been feeling down till i woke up there is this heavy little weight in my chest? 

Yes, i have. 

And it seems kind of norm for women with PMS.

Sometimes i wish someone use a knife and cut my chest and take out the heart and take away the heaviness from me so that i feel a little light. 

Down and depression are normal emotions if it happened once in a while, but it's how we handle this emotions and how our friends response to this 'unusual-not-so-happy' side of me i find it intriguing.

I've had massive frequency of downs and depressed moments for the past two years. And how 'friends' react to this so-called-negative sides of me has always give me a wake-up call. 

"Hello, are these 'friends' ok with you being down?"

Reality check. Ta Da!!!

"Not everybody will be 'ok' with you for being sulking 24/7"
In fact, the person you thought that will accept this 'part' of you may not be that considerate and understand what's going on in my brain.

During my big 'D', i somehow turned desperate and needy. Desperate and needy sounded like taboo words for them and me. Someone needs to fill my needs- constant reminders to stop me from thinking negative, constant assurance because of my insecurity of losing everything, be the one to iniatie everything constantly because of my fear and expectations- from messaging to movie outings. 

As much as i want all these from them, it's not i need their attention 24/7 even though i sounded like one desperate and needy bitch. But, i thought i deserve to ask for help for this because i'm always there for them. As much i ask for all these is as much i have given to them. Why can't they be there for me as how i am there for them? They know i will be there if only one phone call or even one whatsapp message. They know me well enough as a friend that in nature, i am not this 'unusual-not-so-happy' or 'so-called-negative' person. For some reasons, i have no choice that i am down. For some reasons, i have no choice but wake up early morning and feel heavy in my heart. For some reasons, i have no choice but cries halfway during conversations. I really have no choice. I did not choose to be what am i now. But, i can choose to move on with this big 'D' with life. I thought to choose to move with a little 'help' or 'support' from them. Little did i know, i will not get the 'help or support'. Not that i did not get help, i even 'outcasted'. People stay away from me because i am 'contagious'. I thought i am doing the right thing by sharing what am i going through with them, my insecureness, my 'bitter mortification', my big 'D' side, my real emotions, because you do not act when you with your real friends. i am truthful because i trust them and i know them. 

There is another part of me in terrible and unceasing emotional pain, and the impossibility of sharing or expressing how i feel was an another component of the pain and also a contributing factor in making more down. I hope i can able to express certain context as it were - For example, i probably just want somebody to assure me that i am not alone, but i ended up conveying the message that i am desperate fro every friends to be there for me literally physically right in front of me. I probably want to be priority in someone's life, but i ended up sound like needy bitch who wants every second of another person's time. 

The fact that i am 'outcasted' and lost my role as good friend to them was also additional stress for my mood being down.

Right at the moment, i am learning to be 'me' again. Slowly, i am climbing back but i am in midst of fighting with myself to allow myself to believe that i still can find a group of 'them' that can accept this part of me. 

Make peace with yourself Xiao Xiao…..

The old 'them' left me alone in my own darkness. i hardly can find myself now

i've always believed in 'paying it forward'. I have supported so many friends because these people helped me when i need help. But now, i am doubting this belief. 

While i am waiting for 'them' to appear again in my life, i always tell myself,

"Do not worry, you still have yourself to be there for you."

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