What do you most value in your friends?
Their continued existence.”
― Christopher Hitchens, Hitch
Every time i am down, i become more depressed. And then my soul dies a little.
Have i been feeling down till i woke up there is this heavy little weight in my chest?
Yes, i have.
And it seems kind of norm for women with PMS.
Sometimes i wish someone use a knife and cut my chest and take out the heart and take away the heaviness from me so that i feel a little light.
Down and depression are normal emotions if it happened once in a while, but it's how we handle this emotions and how our friends response to this 'unusual-not-so-happy' side of me i find it intriguing.
I've had massive frequency of downs and depressed moments for the past two years. And how 'friends' react to this so-called-negative sides of me has always give me a wake-up call.
"Hello, are these 'friends' ok with you being down?"
Reality check. Ta Da!!!
"Not everybody will be 'ok' with you for being sulking 24/7"
In fact, the person you thought that will accept this 'part' of you may not be that considerate and understand what's going on in my brain.
During my big 'D', i somehow turned desperate and needy. Desperate and needy sounded like taboo words for them and me. Someone needs to fill my needs- constant reminders to stop me from thinking negative, constant assurance because of my insecurity of losing everything, be the one to iniatie everything constantly because of my fear and expectations- from messaging to movie outings.
As much as i want all these from them, it's not i need their attention 24/7 even though i sounded like one desperate and needy bitch. But, i thought i deserve to ask for help for this because i'm always there for them. As much i ask for all these is as much i have given to them. Why can't they be there for me as how i am there for them? They know i will be there if only one phone call or even one whatsapp message. They know me well enough as a friend that in nature, i am not this 'unusual-not-so-happy' or 'so-called-negative' person. For some reasons, i have no choice that i am down. For some reasons, i have no choice but wake up early morning and feel heavy in my heart. For some reasons, i have no choice but cries halfway during conversations. I really have no choice. I did not choose to be what am i now. But, i can choose to move on with this big 'D' with life. I thought to choose to move with a little 'help' or 'support' from them. Little did i know, i will not get the 'help or support'. Not that i did not get help, i even 'outcasted'. People stay away from me because i am 'contagious'. I thought i am doing the right thing by sharing what am i going through with them, my insecureness, my 'bitter mortification', my big 'D' side, my real emotions, because you do not act when you with your real friends. i am truthful because i trust them and i know them.
There is another part of me in terrible and unceasing emotional pain, and the impossibility of sharing or expressing how i feel was an another component of the pain and also a contributing factor in making more down. I hope i can able to express certain context as it were - For example, i probably just want somebody to assure me that i am not alone, but i ended up conveying the message that i am desperate fro every friends to be there for me literally physically right in front of me. I probably want to be priority in someone's life, but i ended up sound like needy bitch who wants every second of another person's time.
The fact that i am 'outcasted' and lost my role as good friend to them was also additional stress for my mood being down.
Right at the moment, i am learning to be 'me' again. Slowly, i am climbing back but i am in midst of fighting with myself to allow myself to believe that i still can find a group of 'them' that can accept this part of me.
Make peace with yourself Xiao Xiao…..
The old 'them' left me alone in my own darkness. i hardly can find myself now
i've always believed in 'paying it forward'. I have supported so many friends because these people helped me when i need help. But now, i am doubting this belief.
While i am waiting for 'them' to appear again in my life, i always tell myself,
"Do not worry, you still have yourself to be there for you."
No comments:
Post a Comment