This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Safety Net - Where are you?

I thought I grew up independently. Mentally and emotionally.... I always thought I'm strong me mentally... But, year 2012 gives me a blow in my head. Gosh, Xiao Xiao, you overestimated yourself.

I always thought is just only me alone that can make myself happy and move forward. I guess this trait is resulted from being the unusual one in the family. The one that people neglected since young. Thus, i always find ways to entertain myself. But I taught myself not to depend on other people. I thought myself not to be too attach on other people too.

Among my friends, i always known to be independent one. You can throw me anywhere and anytime, and I can survive.

I always be the strong one in the family. especially with A in the house, everyone needs to be strong. One day, I thought I come back home because I want to relieve my parents' burden due to A.

But, who know, i'm weaker than i thought....

One fine day i become moody, down and insecure. My nightmares are more frequent and obvious. I woke up easily. I get tired easily too.

I never thought the day I fall into depression will come.

I do have a group of close friends but these people did not know what am i going through now. But i do not know if I ever voice out my need of safety net, I will get it or not. I am so afraid of rejection. I am afraid of burdening my friends as how I feel A is burdening me now.

Now, I afraid of disappointment. I afraid to trust, afraid to expose my vulnerabilities and afraid of rejection.

I used to have a circle of close friends that I thought can be my safety net. I thought this safety net will break my fall and also will catch me and make sure I am safe. But I guess my formation of safety net is weak, it broke while they are trying to catch me.

Another reason that chases people away is me being clingy to this safety net. Dependence had become toxic for me. When they left me, resentment set in. I had put so much effort into the relationship, I was there for them, and i am very sure i can be safety net for them anytime, but at the end, before I can form a stronger safety net, they stepped away from me.

I always know God did not create us to be single and alone. I hope some people out there, who are willing to carry me in this journey. Currently my journey is long, difficult and hard.

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