This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Breath.... It's okay..... Breath

Autumn leaves

Words can become habit, and habit can become you.- Shiau Lee

There are some things in life that despite how eloquently we spill ink onto paper, the depth of our loneliness and anguish is never fully encompassed. Words fall short when you begin to dive into experiences that have crippled you, that have broken your spirit, that have changed you for the worst before the better.

Massive transition from Saudi Arabia to UK in 3 months. From the day i touched down KLIA, going around KL, spent time with my grandma, find doctor for her, rehabilitate her because she was bed bound for 1 month before i come back, i cannot imagine why everybody in the family thought she is getting old and need to be on bed bound when she is actually rather strong for her age. And spend time with my family members and Kiki as well. After so many years of leaving abroad, home is where family and Kiki be. Therefore, no matter where i go, my family and Kiki are always my home...

 Now, in Nottingham, i was having difficult time to adjust to everything here. The weather, social support and study environment. And my negative mind keeps introduce negative thoughts. I was afraid financial issue because i am not working, and i am worry about the weather, lack of serotonin because lack of sunshine around, and also the cold in a country that is famous for its rain and wet weather, lack of exercises despite i walk most of the time. And at the end, will i pass my Master?

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Chinese New Year Eve

Today is Chinese New Year eve, but for some reason, I am still in Saudi Arabia. It is indeed a sad atmosphere for me here. I keep looking at the CCTV, my family is busy, spring cleaning the house at last minute. This is tradition for us. My dad's business only close on Chinese New Year Eve, thus, we usually would not take any leave at all till the day before Chinese New Year Eve because there will be many orders from customers. It seemed braised duck is one of a must dish for Teo Chew family gathering.

Cold and foggy day in Al Hada

I feel the spam of sadness for past one week. I feel sad because I know I will be celebrating CNY in Saudi Arabia alone and also two of my friends are leaving my current hospital for another hospital in the same town. Although they are still around, I think it makes a lot of different because most of my times I spent are with them and also with Little E. And Little E is in Malaysia already.

So, this Chinese New Year is also a new beginning with me with slight different atmosphere. I guess is also a good training for me to learn how to really live on my own. After all, the reason I left Malaysia from beginning is to stay far away from people I know and learn to live on my own and deal with my own sadness. And also to learn to release attachment with my family.

Happy Chinese New Year....


Monday, January 4, 2016

Sister, Happy New Year. I hope you gain the strength to stand up all over again.

Happy New Year 2016.

Unfortunately, this new year of 2016 is not a good beginning for my sister. Once again my sister had another manic attack from her bipolar disorder. I can imagine how disappoint she feels towards herself because she took so much effort and time to recover from her previous depressive attack one year ago. When she recovers fully, she stand on her feet again, and start to find her life all over again. She lost her jobs. Her close friends left her. Some of the relatives gives her discriminate looks during gathering. And her inconsiderate younger sister left her with her family members. And she even has difficult time to find her other half. But, i am proud of her because she did not give up despite how much troubles and despairs she felt along the way with her illness, she falls and she climbs up all over again.

However, things turn the wrong way when she overestimated herself and not only her fault but also us, because we takes things for granted. We thought she understands her illness well after so many episodes of falls, and she will takes responsible to take care of herself. But, little did we know, she stopped taking her medications and also her appointments with psychiatrist.

Lately, my sister told me good news that she found a wonderful guy that accepts as who is she, i guess their relationship just begins. And few months ago, she found a good job too. It seemed her boss treats her well too.

Now, my sister is in hospital, recuperating from her manic attack. Although, in surface, she is another person but deep down i know she is sad because she cannot control herself anymore.

Dear sister, let's not give up together. Let's us gather our strength to stand up all over again. Xiao...