This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Saturday, February 1, 2014

You Went for a Coffee Chat and You Went Home....

You heard of bad news, i am faraway from home. i am not celebrating Chinese New Year with my family and friends this year. i am also not going on family trip with them this year too. However you heard it, i know you immediately felt bad, you asked how to help, what can you do for me, you will pray for me. Whatever you did, i am grateful, even you did not say anything about it. You are a blessing to me. I am grateful that the fact my presence is important to you, that is why you spend time for me, even in your prayer.

However, as the time goes, you move on with your life, i moved on with mine. Life goes back to normal. You called, you asked, you caught up with me over a cup of coffee. You did what you could have done for a friend. Once the ordeal was done, the day was done too, and you went home. Back to your life, back to your love, back to those who make your world complete.

You came to me and then you went home.

But someone like me remains the same. After the cup of coffee, i went back home. I still feel bad about myself. The couch feels warm and cozy, but the heart still feels empty. Life is not anymore the same again for me and it never will be again. Where there was once laughter during the coffee chat, now is no longer there anymore. The short coffee chat seemed so long for me. There are clothes unpack, shoes scattered around, passport lied on the bed. So much to do and so many memories left to be remembered, processed and grieved to a lost friendship.

Time passes and the wounds are not healed. Sometimes, life feels OK to me. But then, a birthday, holiday, a celebration occurs and the loss emerges all over again. Sometime life is normal, and for no real reason at all, the LOSS comes right back, like it happened again just yesterday.

When the loneliness, emptiness and tears emerged, somehow and someway, i manage to put a mask and continue interact and communicate with the public. But, once i am back to my comfortable room and my cup of espresso, the mask is removed, the real face is the honest and raw. The headaches, loss of appetite came back again all because the grief emerged out of nowhere. Not to mention, the hurt and the anger that sits in me because it is difficult to face the loneliness and emptiness....

Days pass, holiday passes, milestone completed my grieving towards my depression and my loss in friendships, despite what mask i put on my face today or what other people perceived my expression today. I always remember, it's a face, a show, an act, although it is not always real, but it is also not always fake.

When you have a friend who is like me, who is going hard times to collect pieces of herself, even after a coffee chat, remember that this person is going home with an empty shell in her, thanks to life that was not she asked for, but was handed to her. Give her more than sympathy or judgement, give her endless amount of time to grieve her own way, give her support the way you want people give to you during your hard times. For that one act of kindness and grace, she will be forever grateful for you. She will becomes more than friend to you. She will become better because she knows she is not alone.....

By the way, Happy Chinese New Year to you and me.... Hope the year of horses gallops to you with happiness, love and also life....

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