This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Friendship - Really Want To Say Good Bye

"Tears are forming in my eyes as i look into the sky. Just by looking, the memories flow. A day without you is painful. The longing rises. Love is crying and being scattered in the wind. My tears, my sad memories, my love whom i miss i always draw you out from the sky, yes i live in pain like this. Again today i live in pain."
Xiao Xiao

I am already out of Facebook world for almost half a year. And to tell the truth, sometimes i missed the connection with friends using Facebook. Sometimes i just want to know what is the latest thing they are up to. Sometimes i just want to know what is their latest status. And sometimes i just want to know how they are doing. Are they fine?

But i chose to stay out from it. Facebook is one of the world that i cannot return already. I feel all my sadness comes pouring in to my face. Knowing that they are fine while i am still tendering my broken heart makes me feel pathetic. Knowing they are doing as great as before without my presence is like adding salt to my wound. The feeling is painful and deep. Knowing that they are having fun during New Year. Knowing that my family members will be having family gathering without my presence will drag me more to depression.

There are a million reasons why a friendship may change over time. You grow older, relocate to another country for career sake, and sometimes start having your own family. Single girl like me will be like an extra in their new life. Is a fact that is normal that growing apart from old friends becomes part of our lives. I found myself feeling disconnected, and discovering that my best friends did not really know me at all. Our passions were no longer the same.

Sometimes i found myself telling myself to wait for a while. "Maybe it's just me," I thought. I tell myself maybe i need to try harder, initiate to message, whatsapp more or maybe write an lengthy email. I did. I wrote letters before i leave. I left presents for everyone of them before i leave because i knew days like this will come. My best friend, who had known me longer than anyone else, is no longer the same person i knew. We grown apart. And knowing this fact, i know my heart is aching and i can feel incredibly sad.

Is difficult for me to accept the fact that i am living my life now without the bond we had together. Sometimes at night, i woke up with anxiety, knowing myself that i need to let go this friendship but part of me refused to left go. And i cannot believe that i am letting this happen to my friendship.

One day, a friend sent me this....

And then, another friend said

"Take what you need, take what you can, and forgive the rest"

I know the friendship is not over yet. I did not need to feel to let go. I do not need to be obliged to do leave any friendship.

Therefore, there are three things i want to tell myself every time when there is a need of me really want to say good bye to my friendship.

1. Take what people have to offer, and forgive the rest.

Sometimes i feel there is an expectation from my best friend to put me as the priority. I feel our friendship deserves some attention from her. I expected her to let go certain thing in order to make me  feel secure with our friendship. But without knowing i am expecting in our friendship, i am also create a burden in our friendship. My expectation is her burden. I cannot expect her to do the same as my other friends who done great things for me. Some friends who will endure my hours of crying spell. Some friends will planned a surprise birthday celebration with you. Some friends will know when you need a hug, Some friends will always message and keep in touch with you because she knows you are going through a difficult times. Some friends will keep updating you about her life so that you do not feel left out even though you are far apart. Of course, you have some friends that downgrade you from close friend to stranger. And also some friends who never contact you despite you know your friendship is as close as best friend.

"Each friendship is unique to me. And each friendship offers me unique experience and lessons to learn about life."

Therefore, i am learning to value each friendship. I learn to be grateful to the friendships that give me a sense of belonging in their life. I learn to forgive to the friendship that give me a sense of courage to let go because it is what it is.

2. Give Only What You Can

Throughout the life, i find myself oblige to every friendship that comes to me.  Someone told me that if a friendship starts to feel like an obligation means i am trying to hard to give too much.

"Friendship is the best when they are mutually beneficial"

I have many things and amazing experiences to share and i know my best friend would want what am able to give and share, and not expecting more than what i am capable to give.

3. Keep The Memories Close

Now that i am faraway. I feel i am more grateful person. I am grateful for the good times my best friend shared with me. I laugh over the old times we had together. Although i am moving on, but i never forget the way my friends tried to connect with me.

People come into our lives for particular reasons, and thing are likely to change. 

"God will give you the person you need during that time and also take away the person you do not need during the time because God knows that who is the right person to be there for you at the right time. "

Every time, i feel there is a need of me want to really say good bye to anything. I tell myself this three things. Even though there is a friendship that i can no longer to have, i tell myself this a is a good experience. It makes you appreciate other friends so much. It makes me learn what i need and what i can do to a friendship.

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