Paying It Forward - Is it worth?

What do you most value in your friends?

Their continued existence.” 

― Christopher Hitchens, Hitch

Every time i am down, i become more depressed. And then my soul dies a little.

Have i been feeling down till i woke up there is this heavy little weight in my chest? 

Yes, i have. 

And it seems kind of norm for women with PMS.

Sometimes i wish someone use a knife and cut my chest and take out the heart and take away the heaviness from me so that i feel a little light. 

Down and depression are normal emotions if it happened once in a while, but it's how we handle this emotions and how our friends response to this 'unusual-not-so-happy' side of me i find it intriguing.

I've had massive frequency of downs and depressed moments for the past two years. And how 'friends' react to this so-called-negative sides of me has always give me a wake-up call. 

"Hello, are these 'friends' ok with you being down?"

Reality check. Ta Da!!!

"Not everybody will be 'ok' with you for being sulking 24/7"

How to tackle ur loneliness?

Hike 1 - Tabur Hill - 2 1/2 hours of hike. One long rest in between.

"I am lonely,. And I am lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, i can see just how lonely i can be, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic."

I am alone....

Once again, i am alone... In this mossy forest that filled with sharp stones. Once slip, i will be history.

Yesterday, someone asked me 'Am i lonely?'. Without hesitation, i replied, 'Yes, i am'.....

They she asked a crucial question, 'Why do you think you feel lonely?'

I hesitated for few minutes.

"I feel lonely because when i tend to isolate myself, they allow me to drift away and reduce their contact times with me."

She asked " Are you afraid of being lonely or you are afraid of friends leaving you behind? "

I paused and thought awhile.

Tears streamed down my cheeks again.

I feel loneliness is a pain. Is an hollow pain which i feel completely alone and empty because there is no one to fill that hollow feeling. The hollow feeling is a result of my fear..... My fear of being alone. I am even afraid to go within my heart and allow this truth to surface that i am actually afraid to be alone. Thus, i did not allow myself to heal, instead i think myself as victim.

Fear of being lonely.....

You are Fully Alive when You Know Fear....

" Do one thing every day that scares you" - Eleanor Roosevelt

End of this year, i decided to go to a place that is completely opposite from what i am standing now. I will lose the comfort of home, family support and Kiki. Not only the place is completely opposite from what am i having now, i will also endure all the challenges and tests all on my own. I will lose contact with everybody i know, i care and i want to keep in touch. I even risk of losing friendships with many people because i am no longer can be in touch as i was before.

Fear....

My emotions swung from clear to fear. Soon, it will turn terrifying. I know it sounded stupid. Why would i put myself in such situation? Why do i allow myself to take this step?

Because of one thing, i am more afraid to lose myself more than losing many things. For the past one year, i met many people. Some people came in to my life, left something and walked away. Some people came in to my life, left and came back, and this make me confused. Some people came in and never leave. I started to feel discomfort within myself. I started to feel myself is losing. I no longer cheerful and strong as before. I no longer hold on to certain things that i was last time. In fact, i am walking away from many things.

I felt crushed.

Anxiety because of one Movie Outing...

She fetched me from dad's shop today... She came back from her gathering with,= the group of friends who are monitoring her and give her many encouragement to overcome her symptoms of laziness.

Out of blue, she asked me out for movie. Immediately, I feel nervousness creeping into me... I do not know how to reject her... But I seriously not ready to go out with her ....

I kept quiet......

After a while, I spoke up....

I told her I would prefer to see her improve in another way... For example like helping around the houses and shops. I told her I'm not ready to do this....

Sigh.... I think I hurt her.....

But I can't help it.... I really cannot get over this barrier.....

Thinking that I may be the cause of she is not recovering is making me feeling really regretful and guilty.....

How I wish I can be better person to her?

I Am Not Where I Thought I Would Be….

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world” – Mahatma Ghandi

When I left Ipoh, I thought KL would be the place that allow me to expand myself further. I was in my comfort zone, right after I graduated from my long distance degree. I passed with flying colors – it was second upper class –. Not too bad for lazy slog like me…..

I envisioned myself enroll in the Pilates for rehabilitation courses, that allowed me to travel to Singapore monthly and also perform my daily routines of practicing Pilates, which I cannot get in Ipoh.

I can see myself learning from all the seniors in whenever hospital I will posted to.

I can see myself spending more times with Kingkong, which I miss out when I was in Ipoh for 4 years.

However, things did not fall on places as I expected. Kingkong passed away within months I returned to KL. I did not enroll the Pilates courses because the price is too expensive. Family problems come in picture. Lifestyle in KL was too hectic for me. I ended up with dry skin and pimples all over my face. Little did I know, inside me, I was not happy and struggle within myself. And slowly, I lose myself.

But God is kind to me.

Guiltiness towards Close Friends 100%.... Sorry.....

I finally told Good friends about my problems....

 And good friend said she will monitor me morning and night....Which is true.... this silly girl really message me morning and night.... to check out whether my mood is down or not..... to see what i'm doing.....

I told her she did not need to do till this extend but i told her i appreciate her for doing this... In fact, i'm glad to know that she concerned about me....

But one day, good friend asked why i did not tell them about it......

I told her guiltiness.....

I told her i know they always concerned about me..... and superb proud that this group of friends are the best group i ever have..... Even though i have lousy her.... but i have good friends like them.... like her....

So much Anger but Is not Her fault....

10.30pm

I was watching TV. Then she called. I looked outside. I saw her car. The call indicated me to repark my car....

Immediately, I got angry.

WHY SHE CANNOT COME DOWN FROM HER CAR N REPARK THE CARS HERSELF AS I ALWAYS DO LAST TIME??????

I took few deep breaths......

I tried to distract myself from my anger.

But I cannot.....

Can feel my tears are boiling out again....

I took my car key and drive out.....

I cannot figure out why I am so angry at her. She did not do anything wrong.

She no longer lie down on sofa as usual.

She came back home early.

I guess the problem is me....

Tears still streaming down my cheek.....

Am becoming like her?

This morning I went to a hike. I'm expecting nobody will not be here cause is too early. But somehow she is here, not only she is here but she also arranged other people as well. Immediately, flashback came. I saw she and he talked behind my back, laughed and ignored me. Immediately i'm having palpitation and my mood went superb down.

I have no chance to tell them that my mood is bad. Maybe saying no chance is an excuse. I guess I cannot control my mood.... I wanted to tell them but when I saw their face, my mood completely went down.

I'm tired. Hardly sleep more than 3 hours. Although eyes close whole night but I'm having the same dream again.

She came home yesterday night after she did not come home the whole night. Immediately she slept on the couch as though she is back to her depress self. Immediately I can feel my temper raised. I took deep breath few times. I feel like scolding her. But I cannot. I can imagine my dad begs me to stop. That's why I cannot scold her. But this does not stop my temper. I slammed the cupboard and door. As though I'm showing my frustration but cannot do it directly at her. I asked J whether she is available for drink. Too bad, she is not available. I knew I have to leave the house or else I'll turn like a monster.

I continue with my task by mopping the floor. Then she rolled towards on the couch and said let me help you carry the pail of water?

Immediately I cannot stop myself. I shouted at her. ' IF YOU WANT TO HELP, PLEASE GET UP AND START BE YOURSELF'. I can feel my tears are boiling up. I took a deep breath again. She wants to tell me something but I stopped her. I told her, 'PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO ME, IF YOU TALK, I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO SLAP YOU FOR BEING LIKE THIS'