I Am Not Where I Thought I Would Be….

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world” – Mahatma Ghandi

When I left Ipoh, I thought KL would be the place that allow me to expand myself further. I was in my comfort zone, right after I graduated from my long distance degree. I passed with flying colors – it was second upper class –. Not too bad for lazy slog like me…..

I envisioned myself enroll in the Pilates for rehabilitation courses, that allowed me to travel to Singapore monthly and also perform my daily routines of practicing Pilates, which I cannot get in Ipoh.

I can see myself learning from all the seniors in whenever hospital I will posted to.

I can see myself spending more times with Kingkong, which I miss out when I was in Ipoh for 4 years.

However, things did not fall on places as I expected. Kingkong passed away within months I returned to KL. I did not enroll the Pilates courses because the price is too expensive. Family problems come in picture. Lifestyle in KL was too hectic for me. I ended up with dry skin and pimples all over my face. Little did I know, inside me, I was not happy and struggle within myself. And slowly, I lose myself.

But God is kind to me.

Guiltiness towards Close Friends 100%.... Sorry.....

I finally told Good friends about my problems....

 And good friend said she will monitor me morning and night....Which is true.... this silly girl really message me morning and night.... to check out whether my mood is down or not..... to see what i'm doing.....

I told her she did not need to do till this extend but i told her i appreciate her for doing this... In fact, i'm glad to know that she concerned about me....

But one day, good friend asked why i did not tell them about it......

I told her guiltiness.....

I told her i know they always concerned about me..... and superb proud that this group of friends are the best group i ever have..... Even though i have lousy her.... but i have good friends like them.... like her....

So much Anger but Is not Her fault....

10.30pm

I was watching TV. Then she called. I looked outside. I saw her car. The call indicated me to repark my car....

Immediately, I got angry.

WHY SHE CANNOT COME DOWN FROM HER CAR N REPARK THE CARS HERSELF AS I ALWAYS DO LAST TIME??????

I took few deep breaths......

I tried to distract myself from my anger.

But I cannot.....

Can feel my tears are boiling out again....

I took my car key and drive out.....

I cannot figure out why I am so angry at her. She did not do anything wrong.

She no longer lie down on sofa as usual.

She came back home early.

I guess the problem is me....

Tears still streaming down my cheek.....

Am becoming like her?

This morning I went to a hike. I'm expecting nobody will not be here cause is too early. But somehow she is here, not only she is here but she also arranged other people as well. Immediately, flashback came. I saw she and he talked behind my back, laughed and ignored me. Immediately i'm having palpitation and my mood went superb down.

I have no chance to tell them that my mood is bad. Maybe saying no chance is an excuse. I guess I cannot control my mood.... I wanted to tell them but when I saw their face, my mood completely went down.

I'm tired. Hardly sleep more than 3 hours. Although eyes close whole night but I'm having the same dream again.

She came home yesterday night after she did not come home the whole night. Immediately she slept on the couch as though she is back to her depress self. Immediately I can feel my temper raised. I took deep breath few times. I feel like scolding her. But I cannot. I can imagine my dad begs me to stop. That's why I cannot scold her. But this does not stop my temper. I slammed the cupboard and door. As though I'm showing my frustration but cannot do it directly at her. I asked J whether she is available for drink. Too bad, she is not available. I knew I have to leave the house or else I'll turn like a monster.

I continue with my task by mopping the floor. Then she rolled towards on the couch and said let me help you carry the pail of water?

Immediately I cannot stop myself. I shouted at her. ' IF YOU WANT TO HELP, PLEASE GET UP AND START BE YOURSELF'. I can feel my tears are boiling up. I took a deep breath again. She wants to tell me something but I stopped her. I told her, 'PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO ME, IF YOU TALK, I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO SLAP YOU FOR BEING LIKE THIS'

She is Back....

Yesterday night she didn't come back home. Dad said she will be in her friend's house. I know where is it but who was she with, none of us know. Why we did not find out???? Why I did not drive to the place and find out? I guess we do not want to know the truth.

So she came back at 6pm. First thing she did is lying down on the couch just the way she has been doing past two weeks....

We did not speak a word.

I withhold my anger.

For the sake of what...... I also do not understand myself anymore.

Good friend is right. I must have deeply hurt last time.

Home is not Like Home Anymore...

I came home. And as usual, she is lying on the couch again. I looked at the table, used plates and cups scattered on the table.

Today is already 4th day she did nothing again... She refused to get up again from bed again....

And this sight breaks my heart.

I spoke to brother...

 He said ' Just scold her, tell people nobody will understand, keep to ourself, we will suffer, might as well just scold her'

Brother is right..... No matter how much you tell anybody, nobody will understand what we are going through.

Spoke to her again today but I did not get any response from her. I guess it doesn't matter to her....

Today's mood : Depressed to max...

Goodbye Letter to A Friend....

Dear my friend,

I guess is time for me to bid goodbye.

I am sorry. I have to give up on this friendship. I want to let you know that I tried very hard to refrain myself from making this decision.

I have tried to salvage this friendship. i told you that I am feeling insecure and I know the problem is about me letting go. I also do not know why I have problem letting go this friendship. Part of me i want to hang on to this friendship. but part of me is already too tired to hang on to it, i wish you can pull me back to this friendship. Right at the moment, I feel I am the only one holding to this friendship. But, we have this topic so many times already. And you still do not know what to do.  i am so disappointed. 

Is much easier if you cut me out from your life, at least, I can grief and cry over it and then get over it. Although I will be hurt for life but at least I move on. 

In this  friendship, I feel my role as friend is replaced. I feel I no longer your priority as friend but at the same time,  you still want me in your life, but my role is just not the same anymore. As though i am nothing to you except be a vase.

Going into grey area is difficult for me in this matter. But life is not about black and white. I tried to create a grey environment for myself. I told myself time change, people change. But instead it makes me feel better, I feel worst. 

During therapy, when she told me to let go this friendship within myself, I cried and sobbed so hard. I feel so hurt. Why I am the one that have to let go? Why can't you hold on to me? I did not stop crying for half an hour.

Safety Net - Where are you?

I thought I grew up independently. Mentally and emotionally.... I always thought I'm strong me mentally... But, year 2012 gives me a blow in my head. Gosh, Xiao Xiao, you overestimated yourself.

I always thought is just only me alone that can make myself happy and move forward. I guess this trait is resulted from being the unusual one in the family. The one that people neglected since young. Thus, i always find ways to entertain myself. But I taught myself not to depend on other people. I thought myself not to be too attach on other people too.

Among my friends, i always known to be independent one. You can throw me anywhere and anytime, and I can survive.

I always be the strong one in the family. especially with A in the house, everyone needs to be strong. One day, I thought I come back home because I want to relieve my parents' burden due to A.

But, who know, i'm weaker than i thought....

One fine day i become moody, down and insecure. My nightmares are more frequent and obvious. I woke up easily. I get tired easily too.

I never thought the day I fall into depression will come.