This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

It tastes like a cup of espresso.....

It tastes like a cup of espresso.....

The bitter sweetness and sourness that linger in your taste bud. Is exactly similar as the taste of reality in life.

It also leaves the deep, smooth aftertaste of happiness in every trouble life.

The aromatic smell that lingers in the room, reminds the presence of life even though the cup is empty, it fathoms the meaning of life even though there is nothing there.

Same cup of espresso but gives me different meanings at different stage of my life.

It tastes bitter when i am alone and sadness came rushing into me. Different flashbacks of sadness and despair add to the heaviness of broken heart.

It tastes sourish when life gives you a big blow, at the worst stage of your life. Sometimes it tastes so sour till you forgot what is sweetness anymore.

It tastes sweet when life turns milder than you expecting.

I sat on my working desk, with a cup of espresso next to me. The aroma fills my room slowly. Even though is just a cup, it reminds you the presence of it. Just like my depression, even though i am feeling so much better now, but somehow, someday and sometimes, the feeling of heaviness in your heart pops out of nowhere to remind you that life is difficult and lonely.

i have a good friend who will be right there for me whenever i tumble down into my spiral of bitter emotion. I met and make new friends in foreign place. I am going to move in to a new room with a wonderful housemate. Somehow, when i am alone, flashbacks just came to me, without knocking, without knowing, i can feel tears boiling into my eyes sockets. Is difficult to erase the memories because good memories give me a sense of belonging and bad memories give me a sense of loneliness. I have a good family supports. They knew i am going hard times. They worry about me. They try hard to give me happiness. I can feel their love.

Just like a cup of black espresso....

With a sip of it, it lingers in my mouth, i can taste the bitterness, sweetness and sourish in this sip.

Just like my life,

During the times, when i feel  that everything is on top of me, i can feel the bitterness. The stingy bitterness in life, that life makes you lose something, some people along the way, even though without reasons keeps longer in your heart. You feel heartache....

During the times, when i feel everything does not go my way and when things fall apart, or when things do not meet my expectations, when there are times i need to learn to let go certain things in my life, i can feel the sourish in this sip of espresso. I feel left out, jealous and shiver because i am scared i am losing myself again.

But, during the times when i received parcel from my good friends, when my good friend's message pop up in my notebook's screen, when my family members call just to check me out, when my friend came over and sent my dinner, i can feel the sweetness in this cup of espresso. I can feel i am appreciated, i am loved, and i am good friend for people who are good to me. That's the sweetness to me....

Look like, life gives me ups and downs. There are times i can push myself spiral up the life. There are times, i need someone to pull me up. Or there are times, i just need someone listen to me without no expectation on me to feel better, no intention of correcting what i am feeling now, and do not see the need of making me feel better. Just listen.....

I guess, that is called LIFE with depression..... Is just like a cup of espresso....

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