This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy Birthday, my friend.

"Take what you need, take what you can, and forgive the rest."

For my whole life, although i am close with my mom, dad and bro, but i am more attach to friends. According to my psychologist, she said it must due to the childhood trauma i experienced when i was young, when i was looking up to my elder sister, elder cousin brother and elder cousin sister but i was outcast from their clique due to different religion faith. Therefore, i wandered away and looked for friends as my support rather than family members. And somehow some of the friends that i am close with are much older than i am. 

Little did i know, i was resilient. I survived this difficult stage, turned a bit rebellious and different from them and lived on my own. Thus i thought i turned quite well. Independent, capable and happy-go lucky. Little did i know that there is this 'little one' in me that i buried long long long time ago, is scare, fragile and insecure. And for all my life, i a never aware of this 'little one' inside me. 

But for one thing i know, i have this friend, that has been with me since high school through college and work till my depression. 

Who knows this newly transferred girl back when i was form four, will be the same girl that walks through thick and thin with me in my adulthood. 

Thanks to her, i believe there is friendship that can lasts forever. 

Thanks to her i survive my adolescent well and fulfilling. 

Thanks to her, i also learn to shift our friendship to a new perspective after my depression. 

Somehow after depression hits me, i am no longer the same girl i was. I learnt to discover the 'little one' in me and become more reserve. I left home to a foreign place. I left the familiar place, familiar faces and familiar feeling to a complete different foreign place. In fact, i communicate lesser with many people in my life, but communicate more with myself and little one. 

Somehow i feel the need to take this step, staying away from everybody that i am familiar with and discovering the new self in me. But at the same time, i found it hard to move on for months even till now. I thought about my old friendships with a great sense of loss, i spent a lot of time googling about friendship and talking to my psychologist about it. I could not just forget about all we shared for the decades before, could i? My mind and hear was clouded with anxiety in me because my mind tells me to move on but my heart tells me i cannot just leave everything behind. 

There are many friends i left behind during my one year of self-escape that i feel confident that i can return to them when i come back. I believe these people are or will waiting for me. But somehow, for this particular friend, i feel like i will be losing her forever because i take the step for leaving everything behind including her and our friendship and that makes me feel uncomfortable. 

I waited it out for awhile. "Maybe it's just me," i thought. I needed to try harder, call more often, and be more available.

But i cannot do anything now because i am tired to feel the obligation to hold on to this friendship. I am tired to be the one who constantly make sure this friendship runs. I am tired to be the one who initiate all the conversations and activities for gathering. I am tired to feel that as though i am the only one who want to keep this friendship. Another reason i feel insecure for this friendship is the depth of friendship between us. Practically, we survived college, break-ups, family problems and happiness together. Our bond was unbreakable. And i also believe she is feeling the same as i do about our friendship now. And she is probably feeling insecure about it and feels as though our friendship is about to break anytime. But the person i know in her, she believes the lesser she does, the harm will be lesser too. Little she did not know, the lesser she does, the further apart we will be.

Today is her birthday.

If by chance she reads this message. I hope she reads this note i left for her.

' Dear friend,

For some reason, i never believe in best friend, but somehow after this incident and experience the degree of losing a friend, somehow i realize i do have a best friend in you.

I am sorry i left you behind even though i always know you need someone with you even though you never talk about it or act about it.

I am sorry to stop initiating all the connecting or communicating jobs as i always does.

I am sorry i never reply your whatsapp or email ASAP as i always do.

I know you also does the best as how you feel to make sure our friendship keeps going on. Somehow i think i am being greedy and expect more than just few words in the messages or i do not want to be the one that initiate the conversation.

I hope both of us can bring our friendship to a new perspective. Let's take what each of us can offer and forgive the rest. Let's give each other what we can.  And keep our memories close to each other. 

Happy Birthday to you, my friend. 

Thanks for being there. And thank you if you are still waiting. 

Xiao xiao (^o^)'

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