This journey is incredibly humbling for me.

From being wounded and not knowing which way is up and wondering whether or not i could be ALIVE or not and at the same time, finding new MEANING in my new life in this FOREIGN place.....It's been an AMAZING journey

I am a daughter, sister, dog-owner and friend.

Currently, i am learning to train my mind and body. I want to hold my body, challenge my physical ability to a level i could never imagine.

I definitely have learn to stop letting these people who do so little for me in my life but control so much of my mind, feeling and emotions.

Learning to let them go from my life is definitely one of the best achievement i ever done to myself.

Goodbye my friends.... Hope when we meet again, we are once strangers again.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

Pray tell, why the great hatred?

There is an article written in The Star Malaysia called 'Pray tell, why the great hatred?' By Dorairaj Nadason on 9 January 2015 that intrigued me because it was definitely closely related to my psychological barrier today. This post definitely not meant to pin-point to others or create another conflict with these people that involves in my life. For one thing i am sure, i love all these people as my family members and friends. This post is meant to create another point of view from my shoes, which i hope it will create a moment of understanding between me and them and also my answer to 'why i stray away from them'.
Dad is praying at Kusu Island, Singapore
I completely understand how the writer's felt when he experienced the scene where the missionary-minded ones stepped things up and accused them for worshipping devil. When I was ten years old, I experienced the same situation, when one day my aunt brought her friends to my house and her friends finger-pointed my family's prayer altar and commented 'the whole house looks wonderful except this area is dirty and yellowish'. Well, after many years of incense burning, obviously the wall has turned yellowish. Prior to this experience, there was once time, I was told by my older cousin brother, who I looked up to, that I was praying to stone whenever we performed our prayers. And I always remember he said 'all this cups, plates and papers are useless', he referred to the tea and fruits we served in the prayer altar and the paper we burned. My teenage era was completely shattered, I was out casted by my own sibling and cousins because of different faith especially during family gatherings. And few months ago, a close family member of mine wished for our whole family sees Jesus as savior as her lifetime wish list. How I wish she wishes for everyone in the family is happy and peace despite different faiths in religion.

 For some people these tiny matters are just trivial and easily brush off. But for me, these matters are not tiny weeny trivial that can easily brush off. If I'd trivial for me, I would not remember these words spoken by them for more than 20 years. These tiny weeny matters have a psychological impact on me that caused me having anxiety attack. Whenever I went to my aunt's Christmas party, I had internal conflict. In front of them, I was smiling and wishing them Merry Christmas. I ate their delicious meals prepared by them. Whenever they said prayer, I kept my head down and closed my eyes to join them. But, little do they know, every time I attended their Christmas celebrations, my heart beats like F1 car race and I breath faster than usual. During the first few years, I even threw up in the toilet quietly after the meal. During prayer, I was so scared and in fear that they will condemn me because I am not the same as them, they will probably scold me that I should not join their prayers and I have no right. I always prepare my mind that they will throw me out of the house because I am different. Little did they know, during that short 30 seconds of prayer, there are millions of things come to my mind at the same time, that I hardly can stop it.
But as a child, we are born to be resilient, we tend to find coping strategies so things are better when I grow up. I have less anxiety attack during Christmas dinners and family gathering. Although physically I am always with them but emotionally and mentally, I am staying away from being attached to my family members. I refused care and affection from them. I do not like to be hug unless is for culture and respect reasons. I believe this is called ‘defense mechanism’.

Although my situation was not as ugly as what the writer experienced, but I must said what these adults done during my childhood has indeed implanted a bad experience towards their religion that turned into childhood trauma, which I carry with me till today, that contributes to my psychological barrier today. For some people, they think they are advocating for their religion and is right to do anything to promote it, but little did they know, their actions actually cause an negative impact for other people, which may not occur immediately but it will occur anytime in future. For some people they think by showing disgusted look to others are just way of expressing their emotions, but they did not know that this negative response create tension between two persons. And every action will comes with a reaction. With all these actions, others will react by fleeing from them as how I choose to do while some will fight against it to protect their beliefs and honors as how all the wars now begin because of religion reason in this era. In 1940s, my grandma experienced war because of territory reason, in 2015, I may not experience war now which I hope I never will in my lifetime and even my next generation lifetime. But in this era, I witnessed terrorism because of religion reason. I believe God does not want this. I believe in this world, there is no religion to teach us to hate. I believe only love and compassion are what is always taught in every religion.

So, what we can do as an individual?

Even though, having Christmas dinners were difficult moments for me but i will attend the family dinners in respect of my aunt’s invitation and also to maintain family harmony and connection between each other. I believe nothing is better than a good get-together family dinners in festive season. So, i tell myself that I must be patient with myself, my anxiety, my sadness and their faith and culture. Even though, I feel sadness and lonely in the presence of everybody at home, I must be compassion with myself and also feel their presence in me and my world.

 Love and be compassion with each other. Learn to respect other people religion and practices and at the same time, practice your religion and practices in honor. Be mindfulness of every reaction you give even though is against your culture and practices. Be tolerate and considerate with other people's need.

As a Malaysian that works abroad, I believe Malaysians are well-trained and taught to be tolerate with many differences whether in race, culture or religious practices because of our unique root of multicultural environment created by our ancestors many years ago. Look at the recent flood disaster in north of Malaysia, MH370, MH17 and QZ8501 everybody is helping each other despite different nationalities, races, cultures and religions. But, do we need another major disaster to knock on our head and open our eyes towards this tension that we have now between us? If yes, I believe it will be too late by then.

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