How My Depression Destroys My Friendship....

Is very difficult for me to write this post because I am still in denial in letting go sour friendship.

But, I think I should write a post about thing that matters to me the most.

Depression destroyed my friendship with my closest friends.These friends were one of my closest friends I ever have. Maybe is only me thinking we are close. But I guess it does not matter at this point.

Friends are my pillar of life. I depend on them like I depend on my parents. When I was young, she was never close with me. Therefore, I always go to friends as my support. They are the place where I look for refuge.

However, as I grow, some friends come and go in my life. Most of the friendship grows apart because different interest or move apart due to time. Usually I have no problems with that. However, the most painful about sour friendship is one that separates as a result of no reasons and unresolved conflict. It is still painful for me to let go friendship because of these reasons.

Blaming Game....

I start blaming myself for putting myself into depression.

I blamed myself for bringing my friends into this blaming game as well.

I blame her for not being there for me when I’m having tough time

I blame her for ignoring my messages

I blame her for not anymore messaging me as much as before

I blame her for scolding me without finding out what happened to me.

I even blame my childhood for turning myself into what am I today.

I blame my sister for choosing Jesus and my cousins over me

I blame Jesus for taking away my sister

I blame my cousins for taking away my sister as my playmates.

I blame my attitude for being possessive over friends.

I blame myself for not able to express my anger properly.

I blame myself for starting this blaming game.

Is like a vicious cycle.

So what if I start to blame myself and everybody in this world….

It did not make things better…. It only makes me worsen as a human being.

I want to stop blaming myself but I hardly cannot control this self-torture behaviour.

What should I do from now?