November 18, 2012
Today i feel rather confused...... I forced myself to cry..... Why i forced myself to cry???? I realized I was trying to numb myself. I am emotionless already. Then i realized i no longer can cry like before. Few years back, i always cry to myself. And it did makes me feel better. But now, i realized crying did not come naturally to me anymore. Therefore, i forced myself to cry....
I was waiting for them to come home. I sat on the stool. Kiki came to me. She saw the balls in my hands. She wagged her tail as usual. I looked at her for a moment. And i told myself 'Take this as opportunity, nobody is at home now, Xiao Xiao..... Cry..... Cry...... Cry all your heart out!!!!!!!!' Tears did not need to wait..... Out of sudden, floods of tears ran down my cheeks..... Suddenly i was crying hard..... Kiki looked at me.... She was surprised and shocked..... Cause she whined.... I kept on crying non-stop.... Kiki was still looking at me.....Then she walked towards me. She put her left paw on my right hand...... I cried harder.... Then she started to whine.....As though Kiki is trying to tell me that 'Things will be fine, Xiao Xiao'.....
After few minutes, my crying stop. It was a easy stop. I did not need extra effort to tell myself to stop... But, i feel better..... My heart feels lighter.....
She came home.... Mom was there too.... As usual, i do not have anything to speak to her..... Mom told to bath first.... She said 'Fine'.....
But she did not bath. She changed her clothes to pyjamas immediately..... She sat on the sofa..... and start making calls..... She talked on the phone as though she is happily in love....
I am annoyed because she did it on purpose in front of me. She knew i dislike this guy.... I ignore her completely...
My disappointment towards she is stronger. She no longer reply my whatsapp. Not even a word of assurance....
P.S: I'm a Bipolar Sister, and I'm trying to be stronger than her.....
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