She is Back....

Yesterday night she didn't come back home. Dad said she will be in her friend's house. I know where is it but who was she with, none of us know. Why we did not find out???? Why I did not drive to the place and find out? I guess we do not want to know the truth.

So she came back at 6pm. First thing she did is lying down on the couch just the way she has been doing past two weeks....

We did not speak a word.

I withhold my anger.

For the sake of what...... I also do not understand myself anymore.

Good friend is right. I must have deeply hurt last time.

Home is not Like Home Anymore...

I came home. And as usual, she is lying on the couch again. I looked at the table, used plates and cups scattered on the table.

Today is already 4th day she did nothing again... She refused to get up again from bed again....

And this sight breaks my heart.

I spoke to brother...

 He said ' Just scold her, tell people nobody will understand, keep to ourself, we will suffer, might as well just scold her'

Brother is right..... No matter how much you tell anybody, nobody will understand what we are going through.

Spoke to her again today but I did not get any response from her. I guess it doesn't matter to her....

Today's mood : Depressed to max...

Goodbye Letter to A Friend....

Dear my friend,

I guess is time for me to bid goodbye.

I am sorry. I have to give up on this friendship. I want to let you know that I tried very hard to refrain myself from making this decision.

I have tried to salvage this friendship. i told you that I am feeling insecure and I know the problem is about me letting go. I also do not know why I have problem letting go this friendship. Part of me i want to hang on to this friendship. but part of me is already too tired to hang on to it, i wish you can pull me back to this friendship. Right at the moment, I feel I am the only one holding to this friendship. But, we have this topic so many times already. And you still do not know what to do.  i am so disappointed. 

Is much easier if you cut me out from your life, at least, I can grief and cry over it and then get over it. Although I will be hurt for life but at least I move on. 

In this  friendship, I feel my role as friend is replaced. I feel I no longer your priority as friend but at the same time,  you still want me in your life, but my role is just not the same anymore. As though i am nothing to you except be a vase.

Going into grey area is difficult for me in this matter. But life is not about black and white. I tried to create a grey environment for myself. I told myself time change, people change. But instead it makes me feel better, I feel worst. 

During therapy, when she told me to let go this friendship within myself, I cried and sobbed so hard. I feel so hurt. Why I am the one that have to let go? Why can't you hold on to me? I did not stop crying for half an hour.

Safety Net - Where are you?

I thought I grew up independently. Mentally and emotionally.... I always thought I'm strong me mentally... But, year 2012 gives me a blow in my head. Gosh, Xiao Xiao, you overestimated yourself.

I always thought is just only me alone that can make myself happy and move forward. I guess this trait is resulted from being the unusual one in the family. The one that people neglected since young. Thus, i always find ways to entertain myself. But I taught myself not to depend on other people. I thought myself not to be too attach on other people too.

Among my friends, i always known to be independent one. You can throw me anywhere and anytime, and I can survive.

I always be the strong one in the family. especially with A in the house, everyone needs to be strong. One day, I thought I come back home because I want to relieve my parents' burden due to A.

But, who know, i'm weaker than i thought....

One fine day i become moody, down and insecure. My nightmares are more frequent and obvious. I woke up easily. I get tired easily too.

I never thought the day I fall into depression will come.

Looking For Support Friends - Are You There?

5 minutes ago, I had a small chat with a friend and we were having small chat about 'support' via whatsapp.

She said she is having final exam soon. I told her 'good luck' and asked her what can I do for her?

She said 'Nothing'.

I am shocked. And I asked her 'You do not even need moral support?'

My friend believes 'support' is very subjective and depends on individual.

She said 'Ultimately what people do and say may influence ur choice but it is still up to you to put effort and make the decision.'

Somehow the negative of me implied what she said is...

'You are weak, you need more support. I'm not you. I do not need support like you.'

Missing home....

I am beginning to miss everything....

I miss home...

I miss my parents...

I miss Kiki....

Most important, 

I miss myself....

Will I ever find back myself?

Letter to the Myself, The depressive one....

Hello myself,

I think is about time i sent you this mail and as a reminder you some of the thoughts that you are going through now. i hope this letter will be a wake up notice to you if you ever succumb into another depression moment again, is not that i am cursing you but you never know what will happened to you in future, just like what happened to you now. Nobody would have guess you, the jovial and positive minded Xiao Xiao, diagnosed with moderate depression. Worse, the people you are hoping for support, left you there alone....

Do not worry Xiao Xiao, take your time to build your strength. One day, you will be stronger than today.

I know you are going through hard times. Your name is not up in the interview list for promotion. Your boss makes you her scapegoat. The administrator thinks you are nobody during meeting. Your specialist is giving you hard times. Your patient's progression is very slow. You are diagnosed with moderate depression. You need medication to make yourself sleep. Your friends stepped away from you because of your moods. They think you are contagious. Your sister is bipolar sufferer. You have bad childhood. Your sister push you away when you wanted to be with her. You become insecure and perceived things wrongly. You are losing yourself. You miss your old self.

Most of the times, you feel the life is crashing down on you, choking you, trashing you, and stabbing your heart. Then it buries you in the deep rubble and debris of life. Then left you there hanging here alone at the brink of break down.

I know it hurts!!!!

Losing myself to depression

When I am depressed, my perception about many things changes. Most of the time, I perceived things negatively. Is kind of not me.

I was known as 'kai xin guo' among my family members and my close friends. I always want to cheer up the scene, but not the attention seeking type, is more of just want to make everybody happy.

Few days ago, my patient told me that I am such a pleasant girl, my personality is so uplifting and motivating, so much determination and persistence in encouraging my patients to perform exercises. She is happy to have me as her therapist because I give her lots of encouragements to do her exercises. I have so much determination and persistence in me.

Ah.... Determination and Persistence.... I seriously think I am losing myself. I no longer recognize these words in myself. I equally miss the words 'drive' and 'motivation'. 'Sigh....'

My patient did not know, under this happy and confidence face, lies a depressed heart. I am hanging on there. Like a walking corpse. Dead walking around ward. Dead sitting in the meeting. Every morning, I forced myself to smile to everybody. I forced myself to look determine to motivate my patients.

Little did this patient know, this smiley face cried again this morning while on the way coming to work.

Little did this patient know, this cheerful personality girl, almost breakdown when her other patient was pouring out his sad and depress emotions because his wife left him. For a therapist, is a big 'no way'. I should not get involve into patient's life so deep emotionally and mentally. This girl is not in the right 'state of mind' anymore as a therapist.

Along the way, I kept a distance from everyone including my close friends and my family member. I only talk when necessary, I only laugh when necessary. The more I depressed, the quieter my heart become.