Anxiety because of one Movie Outing...

She fetched me from dad's shop today... She came back from her gathering with,= the group of friends who are monitoring her and give her many encouragement to overcome her symptoms of laziness.

Out of blue, she asked me out for movie. Immediately, I feel nervousness creeping into me... I do not know how to reject her... But I seriously not ready to go out with her ....

I kept quiet......

After a while, I spoke up....

I told her I would prefer to see her improve in another way... For example like helping around the houses and shops. I told her I'm not ready to do this....

Sigh.... I think I hurt her.....

But I can't help it.... I really cannot get over this barrier.....

Thinking that I may be the cause of she is not recovering is making me feeling really regretful and guilty.....

How I wish I can be better person to her?

Am becoming like her?

This morning I went to a hike. I'm expecting nobody will not be here cause is too early. But somehow she is here, not only she is here but she also arranged other people as well. Immediately, flashback came. I saw she and he talked behind my back, laughed and ignored me. Immediately i'm having palpitation and my mood went superb down.

I have no chance to tell them that my mood is bad. Maybe saying no chance is an excuse. I guess I cannot control my mood.... I wanted to tell them but when I saw their face, my mood completely went down.

I'm tired. Hardly sleep more than 3 hours. Although eyes close whole night but I'm having the same dream again.

She came home yesterday night after she did not come home the whole night. Immediately she slept on the couch as though she is back to her depress self. Immediately I can feel my temper raised. I took deep breath few times. I feel like scolding her. But I cannot. I can imagine my dad begs me to stop. That's why I cannot scold her. But this does not stop my temper. I slammed the cupboard and door. As though I'm showing my frustration but cannot do it directly at her. I asked J whether she is available for drink. Too bad, she is not available. I knew I have to leave the house or else I'll turn like a monster.

I continue with my task by mopping the floor. Then she rolled towards on the couch and said let me help you carry the pail of water?

Immediately I cannot stop myself. I shouted at her. ' IF YOU WANT TO HELP, PLEASE GET UP AND START BE YOURSELF'. I can feel my tears are boiling up. I took a deep breath again. She wants to tell me something but I stopped her. I told her, 'PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO ME, IF YOU TALK, I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO SLAP YOU FOR BEING LIKE THIS'

Home is not Like Home Anymore...

I came home. And as usual, she is lying on the couch again. I looked at the table, used plates and cups scattered on the table.

Today is already 4th day she did nothing again... She refused to get up again from bed again....

And this sight breaks my heart.

I spoke to brother...

 He said ' Just scold her, tell people nobody will understand, keep to ourself, we will suffer, might as well just scold her'

Brother is right..... No matter how much you tell anybody, nobody will understand what we are going through.

Spoke to her again today but I did not get any response from her. I guess it doesn't matter to her....

Today's mood : Depressed to max...

Blaming Game....

I start blaming myself for putting myself into depression.

I blamed myself for bringing my friends into this blaming game as well.

I blame her for not being there for me when I’m having tough time

I blame her for ignoring my messages

I blame her for not anymore messaging me as much as before

I blame her for scolding me without finding out what happened to me.

I even blame my childhood for turning myself into what am I today.

I blame my sister for choosing Jesus and my cousins over me

I blame Jesus for taking away my sister

I blame my cousins for taking away my sister as my playmates.

I blame my attitude for being possessive over friends.

I blame myself for not able to express my anger properly.

I blame myself for starting this blaming game.

Is like a vicious cycle.

So what if I start to blame myself and everybody in this world….

It did not make things better…. It only makes me worsen as a human being.

I want to stop blaming myself but I hardly cannot control this self-torture behaviour.

What should I do from now?

My Thoughts....

Today is really a bad day for me.

I cried several times. I hardly can control myself. But I also realized even after I cried, I only feel better and relieved for a moment.

Crying is just a way to relieve my symptoms but it still did not solve my problems.

I seriously need to get hold of myself. I am so worry I am losing myself.I am worry I cannot control myself anymore and go into manic attack.

My thoughts are all negative. No matter how hard to push myself to think positively, I hardly can get hold of any positive thoughts.

Although she said tried cognitive behavioral therapy first, but somehow I feel I need medications help now.

Should I or should I not?

My Childhood, My Ghost....

“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” – Marry Engelbriet.

The first rain after a long hot day gets me thinking what I want to do with my depression. 

I decided to write about it.

Some say that their past haunts them like old ghosts. As for me, my ghost is my childhood.

When I was young, I have a doll that was given by my parents. One fine day, my cousin came over to stay with us. And she cried and demanded to my doll, as someone elder sister, I was forced to give my doll to her. I did not throw tantrum. I did not cried. But I remembered, I was dead upset. I remembered I kept the grudge over this doll business for many years. I only remembered I hated this cousin of mine. But luckily, she did not stay long with us. After a period of time, I forgot about my doll.

 But little did I know, I became protective over my belongings. I got upset and angry when people take away my things. However, as myself, I never confront people. Or should I say, I do not know how to confront people. Therefore, every time I become upset, I hide. I cried alone. I scolded the person for taking away my things. In fact, I programmed my brain I do not need the things anymore even though deep down in my heart, I wanted the things so much….

Whenever my things are taken away, my reactions will be automatic. Usually I will not confront and fight my things. I will allow my things to be taken away, then I will be upset with the person who took away my things and myself for not being able to protect my things.

When my sister chose my cousins and Jesus over me, I also showed the same response. I was really in bad shape. Everyone called me grumpy girl because I was grumpy all the time. Especially when my sister was around…. I became monster….

God Needs Better Assistants....

I also find it confusing.

But I guess all this while I was staying outside. I never know the actual fact of my family is suffering because of her.

Past two years, i came back home, I witnessed and experienced what my parents and brother experienced all the time with her.

Along the years since she suffers bipolar, she did many stupid things. Few significant issues like for cheated in internet scam, she lost 40k, mingled with people from Middle East via Internet, signed multiple packages n got herself credit card debts. We kept her credit card earlier but she went to sign up again... Refused to go out n helped in the stall. Now that she is jobless...

Father is forking out saving to cover her debts...

Initial I came back home to arrange my further studies. I guess I got to abandon the idea cause I think they will not able to support me already....

Initial, my result is not good at all. I thought I wanna go private n study. But I can't cause my dad was supporting her who was in UK then. During that time, conversion rate was high. And dad's business was close down for moment. That's why I went into government college. Now I completed my 5 years service n a long distance degree but both qualifications even Singapore also not recognize. So, I thought I want to go further my master in oversea, but now I have to abandon the idea.

I know bipolar is a long life disorder, is not something she wants and is difficult for her to control, but currently I am not in a position to give her support. Because I felt frustration already. I felt is not worth to help her anymore. But I cannot portray to her that i also have this emotion or else she will feel guilty. That is why  I am keeping to myself...

Telling me not to think too much is not helping me at all. At the moment like this, I cannot help but to think especially when I need to face my sister everyday

Thanks goodness good friend is checking out on me all the time. Asked me how was my mood, pull me bad when my mood was down. Shared with me that she is also bad mood. At least I feel secure in this friendship....

I am the CAUSE......

She insisted me to accompany her to meet her friends....

Out of sudden, She agreed to join the day care centre for a month....

That is why I agreed to join her because I want her to go to the day care centre. I feel even I cannot show my concern, at least I fulfill her request as a support...

I knew her friends; GL and SF, these two friends are her best friend since college times.

Both of them witnessed her transformation. They even witnessed her exorcism. I am grateful they are still so supportive over her but I am sure they are tired of her too as she lied lots during her manic stage.

She claimed she is out from her manic and depress stage now. That is why she wanted to clear things out now.

We met them in SF's house. It was a good choice because I cannot contained my emotions.

She explained to both of them about bipolar and claimed that many of her wrongdoings were during her manic stage.

Wrongdoings included got scammed by some guys. She got cheated RM60k. Lied around about her jobs and lifestyle. Involve in trans in temple.

She said nobody told her that she was in manic stage. Nobody talk to her over it.

She said I used the wrong ways to tell her. And it was not helping her. She said I was not supportive at all.

She said I am the CAUSE of she is not recovering....

My heart ache so much.....

I cried there.

I came back home and cried too..

I cried myself to sleep...

I told good friends. They were trying to help but my heart ache so much, I yet to feel any better....

😢😢😢

Close yet Strangers.....

I know she is trying her best to bond with me.

She asked me out for movie but I declined.

She asked me out for shopping for her shoes but I declined.

As medical staff who read about bipolar, I understand about her condition and also the manifestation of the disorder. I know she is having difficult time to control her mood and herself.

I am tired. I am depressed. I am disappointed.

I am tired to be the support for her.

I am depressed and I lost my bubbly self.

I am disappointed with myself because I allowed myself to be depressed.

But at the same time, I feel guilty because I have to show her I am tired to support her anymore.

I know I am asking for too much.

I want her to be better but I cannot give her what she wants.

I know she always wants us to be close but I cannot.

Is very difficult to tell her and my parents that currently I am having my own issues to settle. And I am hanging on to it. I also have to depend on my friends for emotional support to climb up back.

As much as she is affecting me, I believe I'm affecting her as well. Thus, I called it even.

Part 4 - The girl needs help.....

In any normal circumstances, who wants to even befriend with psychopath. What some more want to be close with one? Plus who wants to mingle with moody brat like the girl.

Another thing the girl've learned is she does not own friends. And she has no control over her friends. The girl needs to change her way of thinking instead of the situation.

Right at the moment, the girl is filled with multiple emotions.

Sad because situation has changed.

Reluctant to let go of the closeness she bonded with her newly found friends.

Upset with herself for being such a pain.

Angry with herself for not able to control her distorted thoughts.

Disappointed with herself for not being able to conquer her emotions.

Clueless about the next step. Should the girl let go this friendship?

Lonely because she is doing this on her own.

Guilty towards her friends because these people are not suppose to be involved or affected because of the girl.

The girl is lost.

She knew she needs help. But not any ordinary help. The girl needs emotional help cause the girl knew what to do already. But, she feels weak and lonely to go through this alone.

But it seemed tall one, thin one and good friend did not know how to handle her. And the girl also did not know how to tell them because the girl felt ridiculous too.

One fine day, the cat city one told the girl to channel all of her yearning for help and attention from the tall one, thin one and good friend to her.

Cat city one messaged the girl 24/7 to check out of the girl...

Part 3 - Nightmare repeating.... repeating... repeating....

The girl returned to concrete jungle. But she forgot that she will turn into bitter girl again once she steps her foot into the house. She forgot but she always knew that she and her sister cannot stay in the same house together. She forgot she will turn weak if she ever stays with her sister in the same house.

She forgot everything till recently.

The girl returned home.

She worked with a torturous empress, who scolded her every other day till the empress found that after all this girl did not deserve the scolding anymore.

Everyday she returned home and looked at the four wall.

She hated her workplace.

She did not perform her best at what she does the best as movement doctor.

She was bored and clueless.

She lost her best companion to old age.

She lost her sense of direction.

Day after day, the girl not only losing herself, she also sees her sister losing herself too.

Back in rainforest, she only listened to brother's voice of disappointment over her sister. But, now that she is back home, the girl witnessed the sister's antic. The girl experienced disappointment too. Now that she is at home, she sees how her sister turns into different person everyday. Everyday, she sees her dad walks upstairs, knocks her sister's room and asked her sister to take her medication.

Once upon a time, her sister was someone who were smart, well-loved by everybody, went to expensive school, worked in expensive country and had high pay job.

Part 2 - As time passes....

Time heals the wound, at least for temporary moment.

The girl's sister was in expensive country. Everybody is proud of her sister and amazed cause her sister was working in expensive country. But the girl was nobody because the girl had nothing.

However, the girl moved on. She found herself an opportunity to study with support from her dirty kingdom. Although her kingdom is a dirty kingdom, at least she got her free education. The girl enjoyed her free education, she met many good friends as well as many good enemies who taught her many valuable lessons.

The girl've learned no matter how close a person with another person, the another person will still backstab you by bad mouthing you when you were asleep, at least the another person thought you are asleep.

The girl've learned 'real' friend was a person who spread bad rumors about you at the same time consoled you because you were down because of the rumor.

The girl've learned the whole class will boikot you because you were close with the teachers

The girl've learned not to be so blur because it was too late to know the thruth after 5 years the in incident happened because there was nothing you can do anymore.

But the most valuable lesson she learnt during her free education is true and sincere friend will be there for you no matter what you become and where you end up and always know how to handle your moodiness. She met 'cat city' girl.

One fine day, the girl's sister caught a bug. And her sister was not well in expensive country. The bug changed her sister into another person. On and off, her sister will turn different person.

Part 1 - Bitter girl....

Once upon a time, there was a girl who has a happy family. This girl was young, bubbly and energetic. However, her existence was overshadowed by her sister all the time. This girl has a sister, who is smart, hardworking, too scorer and well-received by everyone in her family. However, the girl did not mind, instead she was happy for her sister. She was proud because her sister was her mentor, idol and sister. She had someone she can look up to as role model....

However, as the girl and the sister grew up, the sister found a new circle of 'friends' and also new God. The girl was devastated.

One fine day, the sister told the girl that her God is better than the girl's God. The girl's God is just a stone. The girl turned confused. Her sister was condemning other people religion. The girl knew something was not right. But at the same time, she was angry at her sister for being ignorance and she was sad because her sister was no longer the sister she knew.

Her sister had newly found 'friends' and the girl cannot accept her sister's new God. Slowly the girl stepped back. Thus, she grew apart from her sister. Her sister also the same. They went into different pathway.

The girl felt left out.

The girl felt neglected.

The girl felt betrayed.

My Apology - I Just Do Not Know Where to Begin.....

May  2012

She started another drama again....

One day, Father called me while i was having dinner with them...... Father sounded nervous.... He said shefelt depressed, called him and asked him to come back.....

I told them that i need to go back home stat..... Three of them sounded shocked.... I do not know how to tell them.... cause is such a long story..... I just told them something happened at home.... I need to go home now.... I will explain to them once things more settle down....

I went home and saw her in her depressed mode again.... I asked whether she wants hospital admission or not... she refused.... then i asked what she wants..... She said she does not know.... Sigh...... I'm really clueless..... I really do not know how to help her anymore....

Annoyance plus Disappointment....

November 18, 2012

Today i feel rather confused...... I forced myself to cry..... Why i forced myself to cry???? I realized I was trying to numb myself. I am emotionless already. Then i realized i no longer can cry like before. Few years back, i always cry to myself. And it did makes me feel better. But now, i realized crying did not come naturally to me anymore. Therefore, i forced myself to cry....

I was waiting for them to come home. I sat on the stool. Kiki came to me. She saw the balls in my hands. She wagged her tail as usual. I looked at her for a moment. And i told myself 'Take this as opportunity, nobody is at home now, Xiao Xiao..... Cry..... Cry...... Cry all your heart out!!!!!!!!' Tears did not need to wait..... Out of sudden, floods of tears ran down my cheeks..... Suddenly i was crying hard..... Kiki looked at me.... She was surprised and shocked..... Cause she whined.... I kept on crying non-stop.... Kiki was still looking at me.....Then she walked towards me. She put her left paw on my right hand...... I cried harder.... Then she started to whine.....As though Kiki is trying to tell me that 'Things will be fine, Xiao Xiao'.....

After few minutes, my crying stop. It was a easy stop. I did not need extra effort to tell myself to stop... But, i feel better..... My heart feels lighter.....

She came home.... Mom was there too.... As usual, i do not have anything to speak to her..... Mom told to bath first.... She said 'Fine'.....

But she did not bath. She changed her clothes to pyjamas immediately..... She sat on the sofa..... and start making calls..... She talked on the phone as though she is happily in love....

I am annoyed because she did it on purpose in front of me. She knew i dislike this guy.... I ignore her completely...

My disappointment towards she is stronger. She no longer reply my whatsapp. Not even a word of assurance....

P.S: I'm a Bipolar Sister, and I'm trying to be stronger than her.....

She ran away from home....

13 April 2011

After so long i did not come to you to release my tension..... I cannot believe i have to come to you as my last resort....

She ran away to Penang yesterday.... We just found her.... I feel tired, lost and angry....

Yesterday night i was in Hotel for a course until i received call from him that she is un-contactable.... The Father received a call from her supervisor that she did not return to work after lunch break.....

Dav saw my stressed face.... she told me to take leave and settle the case in KL before go back to Ipoh...

After i settled with my course, i drove to shop. Along the way, The Father called me and said he received a call from her. But it was not her number. It was a public phone number 2290374.... My dad said she sounded lost.... She said she is in a dark room... She cannot come out.... We thought she was kidnapped.... Immediately the Father called inspector in charge and reported the same thing to him. The inspector in charge just simply entertained my dad.....

I reached shop.. Immediately i post her missing on Facebook and contacted my aunt in Ipoh for help.

Aunt worked efficiently.... She called the PPSKM in the north. And she managed to get them printed out brochure and the members helped us to pass the news around and also went to each telephone booth to call back their phone, so they can find the phone she used. Uncle and aunt in Penang also did the same.... I feel so thankful to have them.... even though we did not see each other more than once in a year... but these people are our family saviour.... Because of her my family indebted with so many people....

We did not receive any news till she called Father again.... But this time, she was using her handphone.... She described the place she was in.... i called Aunt and Uncle who was still in Penang the latest news we received from my sister.... Aunt told the PPSKM people, and they found her..... But when they found her, she was in acute psychosis.... Immediately, she was sent to A & E Hospital Penang...

It was 3 am when we found her.... We thanked the Inspector I/C despite he did not do anything to help.... We went home.... and drove to Penang early morning.....

When we reached Hospital Penang.... she was still asleep....

We spoke to the doctor and agreed to admit her for observation..... She was sent to psychiatric ward. Once she was more alert, no more drowsy from the medications, i observed her actions. And i know she was acting..... She did not have any psychotic features. She was acting as though she has psychotic features. i told Father and uncle about it. And Uncle tested at her and Father warned her that we will leave her inside this ward if she did not recover properly....

I feel something is amiss..... that't y i called the person who found her, who was also PPSKM member....

That guy told me that earlier of the day, he saw she stood in front of a dustbin... She was throwing a plastic bag into the dust bin, after that she picked up the plastic bag from the dust bin again.... He also felt something is wrong with the girl. But he did not received any news regarding her yet, so it did not occur that girl was she, I asked him what was inside the plastic bag. He said after he found her in the lorong, he went back to the dust bin to retrieve the plastic bag.... He said he found her purse and handphone are inside the plastic bag....

Immediately i told Brother this..... Earlier Brother told me he asked his sifu to look out for her... the situ said she is not alone and she is going to North....

I know she did something wrong and she knew she is wrong but did not how to cover it, that's why she is using psychosis method to cover her act....

After so many things we done for her, why would she does this to us?????