How My Depression Destroys My Friendship....

Is very difficult for me to write this post because I am still in denial in letting go sour friendship.

But, I think I should write a post about thing that matters to me the most.

Depression destroyed my friendship with my closest friends.These friends were one of my closest friends I ever have. Maybe is only me thinking we are close. But I guess it does not matter at this point.

Friends are my pillar of life. I depend on them like I depend on my parents. When I was young, she was never close with me. Therefore, I always go to friends as my support. They are the place where I look for refuge.

However, as I grow, some friends come and go in my life. Most of the friendship grows apart because different interest or move apart due to time. Usually I have no problems with that. However, the most painful about sour friendship is one that separates as a result of no reasons and unresolved conflict. It is still painful for me to let go friendship because of these reasons.

Blaming Game....

I start blaming myself for putting myself into depression.

I blamed myself for bringing my friends into this blaming game as well.

I blame her for not being there for me when I’m having tough time

I blame her for ignoring my messages

I blame her for not anymore messaging me as much as before

I blame her for scolding me without finding out what happened to me.

I even blame my childhood for turning myself into what am I today.

I blame my sister for choosing Jesus and my cousins over me

I blame Jesus for taking away my sister

I blame my cousins for taking away my sister as my playmates.

I blame my attitude for being possessive over friends.

I blame myself for not able to express my anger properly.

I blame myself for starting this blaming game.

Is like a vicious cycle.

So what if I start to blame myself and everybody in this world….

It did not make things better…. It only makes me worsen as a human being.

I want to stop blaming myself but I hardly cannot control this self-torture behaviour.

What should I do from now?

I am not the only one.... He also feels the same....

17th January 2013, 1.44am

I woke up from my sleep again.

This time because I was sneezing non-stop....

I woke up to clear my nose.

I walked to my toilet.

When I walked out the toilet, my not so little brother stood in front of me..

He said 'I don't know what is dad and mom thinking??'

I asked 'what happened?'

My Thoughts....

Today is really a bad day for me.

I cried several times. I hardly can control myself. But I also realized even after I cried, I only feel better and relieved for a moment.

Crying is just a way to relieve my symptoms but it still did not solve my problems.

I seriously need to get hold of myself. I am so worry I am losing myself.I am worry I cannot control myself anymore and go into manic attack.

My thoughts are all negative. No matter how hard to push myself to think positively, I hardly can get hold of any positive thoughts.

Although she said tried cognitive behavioral therapy first, but somehow I feel I need medications help now.

Should I or should I not?

My Childhood, My Ghost....

“If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.” – Marry Engelbriet.

The first rain after a long hot day gets me thinking what I want to do with my depression. 

I decided to write about it.

Some say that their past haunts them like old ghosts. As for me, my ghost is my childhood.

When I was young, I have a doll that was given by my parents. One fine day, my cousin came over to stay with us. And she cried and demanded to my doll, as someone elder sister, I was forced to give my doll to her. I did not throw tantrum. I did not cried. But I remembered, I was dead upset. I remembered I kept the grudge over this doll business for many years. I only remembered I hated this cousin of mine. But luckily, she did not stay long with us. After a period of time, I forgot about my doll.

 But little did I know, I became protective over my belongings. I got upset and angry when people take away my things. However, as myself, I never confront people. Or should I say, I do not know how to confront people. Therefore, every time I become upset, I hide. I cried alone. I scolded the person for taking away my things. In fact, I programmed my brain I do not need the things anymore even though deep down in my heart, I wanted the things so much….

Whenever my things are taken away, my reactions will be automatic. Usually I will not confront and fight my things. I will allow my things to be taken away, then I will be upset with the person who took away my things and myself for not being able to protect my things.

When my sister chose my cousins and Jesus over me, I also showed the same response. I was really in bad shape. Everyone called me grumpy girl because I was grumpy all the time. Especially when my sister was around…. I became monster….

God Needs Better Assistants....

I also find it confusing.

But I guess all this while I was staying outside. I never know the actual fact of my family is suffering because of her.

Past two years, i came back home, I witnessed and experienced what my parents and brother experienced all the time with her.

Along the years since she suffers bipolar, she did many stupid things. Few significant issues like for cheated in internet scam, she lost 40k, mingled with people from Middle East via Internet, signed multiple packages n got herself credit card debts. We kept her credit card earlier but she went to sign up again... Refused to go out n helped in the stall. Now that she is jobless...

Father is forking out saving to cover her debts...

Initial I came back home to arrange my further studies. I guess I got to abandon the idea cause I think they will not able to support me already....

Initial, my result is not good at all. I thought I wanna go private n study. But I can't cause my dad was supporting her who was in UK then. During that time, conversion rate was high. And dad's business was close down for moment. That's why I went into government college. Now I completed my 5 years service n a long distance degree but both qualifications even Singapore also not recognize. So, I thought I want to go further my master in oversea, but now I have to abandon the idea.

I know bipolar is a long life disorder, is not something she wants and is difficult for her to control, but currently I am not in a position to give her support. Because I felt frustration already. I felt is not worth to help her anymore. But I cannot portray to her that i also have this emotion or else she will feel guilty. That is why  I am keeping to myself...

Telling me not to think too much is not helping me at all. At the moment like this, I cannot help but to think especially when I need to face my sister everyday

Thanks goodness good friend is checking out on me all the time. Asked me how was my mood, pull me bad when my mood was down. Shared with me that she is also bad mood. At least I feel secure in this friendship....

I am the CAUSE......

She insisted me to accompany her to meet her friends....

Out of sudden, She agreed to join the day care centre for a month....

That is why I agreed to join her because I want her to go to the day care centre. I feel even I cannot show my concern, at least I fulfill her request as a support...

I knew her friends; GL and SF, these two friends are her best friend since college times.

Both of them witnessed her transformation. They even witnessed her exorcism. I am grateful they are still so supportive over her but I am sure they are tired of her too as she lied lots during her manic stage.

She claimed she is out from her manic and depress stage now. That is why she wanted to clear things out now.

We met them in SF's house. It was a good choice because I cannot contained my emotions.

She explained to both of them about bipolar and claimed that many of her wrongdoings were during her manic stage.

Wrongdoings included got scammed by some guys. She got cheated RM60k. Lied around about her jobs and lifestyle. Involve in trans in temple.

She said nobody told her that she was in manic stage. Nobody talk to her over it.

She said I used the wrong ways to tell her. And it was not helping her. She said I was not supportive at all.

She said I am the CAUSE of she is not recovering....

My heart ache so much.....

I cried there.

I came back home and cried too..

I cried myself to sleep...

I told good friends. They were trying to help but my heart ache so much, I yet to feel any better....

😢😢😢

Kiki and Sunbathing....

Today I brought Kiki out for a run in the park nearby out house.

As usual, Kiki is superb happy and excited because it has been months since I allowed her to on loose leash.

Is already 11am. It was too hot for children to come out to play, therefor it was the right time.

It was raining few days ago and the grass is yet to be dried, in fact, it was muddy....

Kiki got herself muddy and wet...

So, I ended up bath her today... Right after her bathing, she ran around and shook herself dry.

And voila....

Enjoy herself under the sun...

She sunbathed herself now....