IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! I AM LOVING IT TO THE MAX!!!!!

The greatest sweetener of human life is friendship. To raise this to the highest pitch of enjoyment, is a secret which but few discover.....

26th September 2013

Is a year since i had a wonderful birthday celebration with my good friends during 2012.

However, time tested us. Our friendship drifted apart. Till today, it hurts me because the friendship ended with no concrete reason. 

I was waiting for this day to come. I am expecting my mood to be down. And my mood was really down. Other people thought i am down because nobody wishes me happy birthday or no celebration for me. Actually, is not. I am happy when somebody wishes me and gives me presents. But if i do not have any of that, i am still fine with it. However, this year, i am unusually down because of other reasons. Part of it is my depression but another part is the flashbacks of the great time of my birthday celebration with them. I remember i received long distance call from a good friend on that day. I remember they bought me my favourite chocolate mint baskin robbin ice cream. I also remember they dedicated a live happy birthday song from the live singer in the cafe. I remember we had good times.

That is why i dragged coming to today. 

I though i will never have good times anymore. I thought i will never find friends like them anymore. I thought i would never be this happy anymore. 

But, my thoughts are wrong.

God is really great. He will gives you the person you need during the times. If He thinks you do not need them, He either takes them away from you or He makes them go away. Or if He thinks that you need certain friends during the tough times, He will gives you the friends you need, maybe is not the friends you want.... But is the friends you NEED.

I am grateful for all of you who makes my 2013 birthday celebration a blast. And girl, you know who are you. I want to say thank you for replacing my sadness with all this wonderful surprises. I am grateful because God gives me a friend like you during my tough times. I am grateful because you work hard to arrange this celebration birthday for me.... I am happy because you take away my tears with all these laughters with all of them.

I love the surprises you guys gave to me on my birthday despite i thought no one remember my birthday...

I love the cake so much despite you guys have an ugly penis on it.... 

I love the egg white despite i smell like an rotten egg at end of it....

I love the cake on my face despite i know i look ugly in picture in it...

i love the way you guys teased me for being sad because you guys thought i am upset cause there is no celebration for me despite you guys were holding so much excitement to throw the egg on me...

I love the laughter despite i feel like i want to cry during that time.

i love the birthday song you guys sang to me despite i feel is cheesy....

I love the booze you guys gave me that day despite i vomit like shit that day....

I love the companions from you guys despite the friendship we have is short period...

I love the friendship between us....

And i love my birthday celebration because of you guys. Is not because of what you guys gave me and did to me. Is because of the thought of me as your friend and colleagues. And because of that, you guys put so much effort in it. I really can feel my sense of belonging and sense of loving you guys as my friends.

I appreciate what you guys gave to me. Forever, i will hold on to this friendship as long as you allowed and also God permitted.....

Thank you, my friends.... 

I know i will be sad because i am leaving you guys soon. Leaving you guys for Saudi Arabia is my biggest regret because you guys are such a good companion and friend in my life. Your presence is very important in my road of recovery from depression. Although you guys do not know about it, but when you guys involve me in your life, you guys extend your hands to lead me and pull me back from being depressed. By just including me in your life, you guys are already my healers and saviours....

I am going to miss everyone of you.....

Friendship…..

Friendship is one of the most important elements of a happy life - but it can be tough to make new friends and tougher to maintain a true friendship.

The myth of the BFF can be tough to live up to. In Friends, you can see how supportive these 6 people with different characters, unrealistically maintain a long lasting friendships. But in reality, the myth is still a myth. Close friendships that crumble is very painful to watch even on-screen because it is so familiar for all of us. 

My close friends and I had been friends a year plus, and then, one fine day, nothing. I succumbed into big 'D'. On bad days, I turned quiet and isolated myself. On good days, i am ready to be connected but i shy away because i know these people will stopped returning my calls and messages. Although, deep down, i hope they won't give up on me. I hope they can continue be my source of inspiration just like those days. I hope we can still be continue be friends despite me not being myself. But in reality, months passed and i know my close friends had stopped being my close friends. Had, in fact, stop being my friend altogether. And the only reason i know is me being in big 'D'. 

Out of sudden, there was this silence…..

Paying It Forward - Is it worth?

What do you most value in your friends?

Their continued existence.” 

― Christopher Hitchens, Hitch

Every time i am down, i become more depressed. And then my soul dies a little.

Have i been feeling down till i woke up there is this heavy little weight in my chest? 

Yes, i have. 

And it seems kind of norm for women with PMS.

Sometimes i wish someone use a knife and cut my chest and take out the heart and take away the heaviness from me so that i feel a little light. 

Down and depression are normal emotions if it happened once in a while, but it's how we handle this emotions and how our friends response to this 'unusual-not-so-happy' side of me i find it intriguing.

I've had massive frequency of downs and depressed moments for the past two years. And how 'friends' react to this so-called-negative sides of me has always give me a wake-up call. 

"Hello, are these 'friends' ok with you being down?"

Reality check. Ta Da!!!

"Not everybody will be 'ok' with you for being sulking 24/7"

How to tackle ur loneliness?

Hike 1 - Tabur Hill - 2 1/2 hours of hike. One long rest in between.

"I am lonely,. And I am lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, i can see just how lonely i can be, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic."

I am alone....

Once again, i am alone... In this mossy forest that filled with sharp stones. Once slip, i will be history.

Yesterday, someone asked me 'Am i lonely?'. Without hesitation, i replied, 'Yes, i am'.....

They she asked a crucial question, 'Why do you think you feel lonely?'

I hesitated for few minutes.

"I feel lonely because when i tend to isolate myself, they allow me to drift away and reduce their contact times with me."

She asked " Are you afraid of being lonely or you are afraid of friends leaving you behind? "

I paused and thought awhile.

Tears streamed down my cheeks again.

I feel loneliness is a pain. Is an hollow pain which i feel completely alone and empty because there is no one to fill that hollow feeling. The hollow feeling is a result of my fear..... My fear of being alone. I am even afraid to go within my heart and allow this truth to surface that i am actually afraid to be alone. Thus, i did not allow myself to heal, instead i think myself as victim.

Fear of being lonely.....

You are Fully Alive when You Know Fear....

" Do one thing every day that scares you" - Eleanor Roosevelt

End of this year, i decided to go to a place that is completely opposite from what i am standing now. I will lose the comfort of home, family support and Kiki. Not only the place is completely opposite from what am i having now, i will also endure all the challenges and tests all on my own. I will lose contact with everybody i know, i care and i want to keep in touch. I even risk of losing friendships with many people because i am no longer can be in touch as i was before.

Fear....

My emotions swung from clear to fear. Soon, it will turn terrifying. I know it sounded stupid. Why would i put myself in such situation? Why do i allow myself to take this step?

Because of one thing, i am more afraid to lose myself more than losing many things. For the past one year, i met many people. Some people came in to my life, left something and walked away. Some people came in to my life, left and came back, and this make me confused. Some people came in and never leave. I started to feel discomfort within myself. I started to feel myself is losing. I no longer cheerful and strong as before. I no longer hold on to certain things that i was last time. In fact, i am walking away from many things.

I felt crushed.

Anxiety because of one Movie Outing...

She fetched me from dad's shop today... She came back from her gathering with,= the group of friends who are monitoring her and give her many encouragement to overcome her symptoms of laziness.

Out of blue, she asked me out for movie. Immediately, I feel nervousness creeping into me... I do not know how to reject her... But I seriously not ready to go out with her ....

I kept quiet......

After a while, I spoke up....

I told her I would prefer to see her improve in another way... For example like helping around the houses and shops. I told her I'm not ready to do this....

Sigh.... I think I hurt her.....

But I can't help it.... I really cannot get over this barrier.....

Thinking that I may be the cause of she is not recovering is making me feeling really regretful and guilty.....

How I wish I can be better person to her?

I Am Not Where I Thought I Would Be….

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world” – Mahatma Ghandi

When I left Ipoh, I thought KL would be the place that allow me to expand myself further. I was in my comfort zone, right after I graduated from my long distance degree. I passed with flying colors – it was second upper class –. Not too bad for lazy slog like me…..

I envisioned myself enroll in the Pilates for rehabilitation courses, that allowed me to travel to Singapore monthly and also perform my daily routines of practicing Pilates, which I cannot get in Ipoh.

I can see myself learning from all the seniors in whenever hospital I will posted to.

I can see myself spending more times with Kingkong, which I miss out when I was in Ipoh for 4 years.

However, things did not fall on places as I expected. Kingkong passed away within months I returned to KL. I did not enroll the Pilates courses because the price is too expensive. Family problems come in picture. Lifestyle in KL was too hectic for me. I ended up with dry skin and pimples all over my face. Little did I know, inside me, I was not happy and struggle within myself. And slowly, I lose myself.

But God is kind to me.

Guiltiness towards Close Friends 100%.... Sorry.....

I finally told Good friends about my problems....

 And good friend said she will monitor me morning and night....Which is true.... this silly girl really message me morning and night.... to check out whether my mood is down or not..... to see what i'm doing.....

I told her she did not need to do till this extend but i told her i appreciate her for doing this... In fact, i'm glad to know that she concerned about me....

But one day, good friend asked why i did not tell them about it......

I told her guiltiness.....

I told her i know they always concerned about me..... and superb proud that this group of friends are the best group i ever have..... Even though i have lousy her.... but i have good friends like them.... like her....